Chapter Text
God, you could really do with a smoke break right now.
It was a cold, miserable day. You were studying in the library. Or at least, you were trying to. Someone had cranked the AC too high, which meant you were shivering miserably in your worn-out sweater. How were you supposed to study for finals if you got hypothermia?
‘At least I’m not the only miserable one here today’ you thought to yourself dully as you stared at the chubby Asian girl in front of one of the library computers. You’d spent the past hour or so watching her get increasingly frustrated at whatever was on her screen, taking furious notes and running her hands through her short bob. Eventually, you take pity and shuffle your way over to her.
“Hey, you need some help there?”
She squeaks as she whips around to face you. Large glasses slipping off a blushing face, dark, disheveled hair, a Hello Kitty hoodie that’s clearly seen better days. The picture-perfect image of a panicked uni student. You find yourself instantly endeared to the short girl.
“O-oh! Hi! I’m just working on our economics homework”.
you furrow your brows.
“our homework?”
“The statistics one? That’s due tonight?”
you shake your head “Yeah I know the one, finished it last week, I’m just confused; are we classmates?”
Her face drops. she points at herself, a little unsure “Khin Yu? We sit next to each other? We have business communication, financial accounting, and leadership and management together?”
shit. Your lip nearly bleeds from how hard you bite it. You have absolutely no recollection of ever seeing this girl before.
You feel your face grow warm, but try to persevere despite the shame “Ah! Right! Sorry, I’m a little face blind. Um, do you still want some help with your work?”
Khin Yu glances away in what you think is an attempt to hide her reddening face and starts tugging on her choker. the movement draws your eyes to her dangly, silver bracelet with shiny little hearts. Huh.
Cute.
“Um, if it’s not too much trouble I’d really appreciate that, thank you- My brains having a lotta trouble processing graphs right now haha”
You brace yourself on the table and lean over her shoulder to get a better look at the statistics graph on the computer screen
“Anytime!”
-
The first thing Matthew did when you arrived at the limo was fire the chauffeur. You felt pretty bad for the guy but you definitely agreed with Matthew that neither of you had grown up rich enough where it didn’t feel kind of weird to be driven around by a stranger. Still, you had been shocked when to replace him, Matthew summoned two…well, two Demon Hipster Chicks. you’d kind of thought he’d been lying when he said he had those.
“they get lonely if I only summon one” he explained from his seat next to you, as if there being two of them was the weird part of this whole situation.
” Oh, uh, Cool! Do you guys have names?”
The girls turn to stare at you from the front of the limo. For a second you’re scared you’ve said something wrong, but then their faces split into wide grins
“we’re Ameesha and Akshata!” they say in unison, which does not actually do anything to clarify which one is Ameesha and which is Akshata.
You glance at Matthew, only to find him already staring intently at you. The panicked look you give him seems to snap him out of whatever thoughts he was having. “Huh, usually no one except family ever asks their names”
“Oh” you bite your lip, feeling sheepish “Is…is it weird that I asked?”
Matthew looks a little surprised “Huh? Why would it be?”
“I don’t know, I just-“Your sentence is cut off by Akshata (or is it Ameesha?) giggling loudly and whispering something to the demon girl at the wheel, which causes her to start giggling as well. The only word you manage to catch is ‘Namnu’. Matthew seems to have heard them and now looks like he’s trying to shrivel up into his suit jacket, like some kind of fancily dressed turtle.
The girls' attention is suddenly on you again. Or, well, Akshata’s (?) is, since Ameesha (?) Is busy making a U-turn
"you should come over and try Nirmalaben's Khandvi sometime!"
you send Matthew a questioning look. He still looks like he’s attempting to merge with the seat, but he reluctantly replies "My mom", before quickly adding “Her Khandvi is really really good”
you continue chewing your lip, trying to suppress your smile (it doesn't really work).
You open your mouth to make some sort of joke about first dates and meeting parents, but the words die in your mouth. The thought of dates makes all your anxieties from earlier today spring up again.
Is this a date? Suddenly another equally horrifying thought occurs to you. Do want this to be a date? Sure, you like Matthew but do you really like him? You suppose that's the point of a first date, to experiment and see if you're a good match. But is that kind of casualness really possible when the guy is literally your boss? And if things don’t work out? Your mind feels a little sick as you remember how easily he fired the limo driver. You shake your head. Matthew might not even see this as a date. Stop overthinking things.
Your attention snaps back to Matthew when you hear his voice. He seems to have mostly recovered from his earlier embarrassment, leaning his elbows on his knees and looking for all the world like the suave CEO he thought he was.
”So, you have any hobbies other than horror stuff?”
“Puzzles”
Matthew laughs like you said something funny. Evidently, he thinks you’re joking. You decide not to tell him the only reason you’re even subscribed to a newspaper is for the crosswords. Or that you have a shelf full of Rubik’s cubes. And definitely not about your wall of framed jigsaws.
"Anything else? At least some cool new show you’ve seen? "
You scrunch up your nose "dude, I work at one of North America’s biggest media companies. I haven’t been able to watch anything new for years because every time I see the G-Man Media logo in the corner I think of Gideon Graves’s repulsive rat face”.
Matthew looks like he’s mulling something over. Eventually, he says “I mean, I wouldn’t call Gideon's face repulsive”
You’re not quite sure what emotion you feel when you say “Matthew, what are you implying here…”
Matthew seemed to have been self-aware enough to be ashamed that he was holding the shovel for his own grave, and yet unable to stop digging it
“I’m just saying, he might be the world's slimiest jerk but-"
“oh my god”
“-he’s a hot slimy jerk- stop laughing!”
He gives your shoulder a light punch but you only continue to double over in gleeful laughter.
“Gideon!? that’s your type!? Seriously!?”
“I- shut up!”
His face is bright red. You feel sort of bad but not enough to stop
“Are you into glasses? Or is it the whole CEO thing? Maybe I should have just given you my job, you could have gotten a sexy secretary outfit and everything-“
At this point, Matthew had started physically shaking you, his voice straining in embarrassment
"Shaddup shaddup shaddup-"
You're cackling your ass off when, only finding further motivation from his flustered state, when suddenly you hear a sentence between the despaired noises of mortification and pleas to shut up that makes you freeze
"-I swear to god I’m going to cut your salary-"
You know it’s a joke. You know he’d never actually do that. But the reminder that he can makes you feel faint.
he doesn’t seem to notice anything wrong, so you try to continue laughing as if you hadn’t just had a very rude awakening to the truth of crushing on your boss.
The conversation flows easily for the rest of the ride, but no matter what you can’t ignore the growing sinkhole in your stomach.
Once the limo nears your neighborhood Matthew starts peering out the window. He seems almost awed, which catches you off guard. Sure, Brighton Beach is interesting but you didn’t think it was that interesting, your image of it being mostly decrepit little shops, beach houses, and ugly brick apartments, with the one bright spot being your favorite pelmeni place. The contrast between run-down little Brighton Beach and shining the G-Man Media building never failed to make you feel incredibly poor. You glanced at Matthew, who was intently watching two old men cuss each other out in Russian outside the pharmacy. you suppose Matthew didn’t grow up in New York, though you can’t for the life of you remember where it actually was he grew up, so maybe you’ll let him be a little awed.
“How long does it take you to get to work from here?”
You tilt your head, calculating your morning commute to Manhattan
“Bout an hour, give or take”
Matthew blanches a little “What? You weren’t even getting paid well until I took over!”
You shrugged "Yeah, well, it’s like you said; wasn’t getting paid very well, so I couldn’t move anywhere better. Besides, my roommate is family friends with our landlord so I’m paying better rent than I would be any closer to the office."
All this thinking about your job and your salary is making you nauseous. The pit in your stomach has grown to the point where it feels more like your organs are cannibalizing themselves.
You need to clear things up. there's no way you'll be able to enjoy the rest of tonight if you're not even sure what ‘tonight’ is
"By the way, ah, I was wondering, isn't it kinda weird of you to be taking your employee out?"
You tried purposefully to keep the wording vague, but Matthews's reply still hits like a metal bat to the gut
"I don't see why we can't be friends outside of work!"
I don't see why we can't be friends outside of work!. The words echoed in your head.
You swear you hear Ameesha and Akshata take sharp inhales of air; You might’ve if you felt physically capable of opening your mouth. It’s fine though! You're not surprised! Why would you be upset? This makes everything so much less complicated. Of course, he was just being friendly. Of course. It would have been stupid of you to hope otherwise.
You’re saved from further conversation when you realize the limo has come to a stop. You look out your window and realize you’ve arrived at your home. You can’t help but feel self-conscious about how much the limo stands out on your tiny little street.
It’s not like where you live is horrible, but your neighborhood is mostly modest pensioners. Definitely no limos in sight. Your house is small with two stories, deeply in need of a new paint job on the old wood. Maybe a bit worse for wear than your neighbors, but you suppose it’s cozy in its own way. Your own small escape from the frigid night.
Once you’ve climbed up your porch steps you turn and give Matthew a warning look “Don’t make too much noise while we’re here, the landlady lives here and our flat is right above hers. Mrs Stavitsky is old, but unfortunately, her hearing is better than mine most days”
Also, you’ve been on thin ice with Mrs Stavitsky ever since the coffee machine smashing incident behind the house, but Matthew doesn’t need to know about that. He gives you an enthusiastic thumbs up, that only mostly looks ridiculous because he’s shivering so bad you can practically hear his teeth chattering.
You crack a strained smile; spring is fast approaching but his tailored suit is still much too thin for chilly winds. You twist the door knob and let yourselves in.
You both instantly relax once you’re inside the small hallway. The walls are a fading floral and it smells like old lady but it’s warm and homey. You hang your coat up (and show Matthew the olive green one he can borrow so he doesn’t freeze to death as soon as you step back outside) and take a few short steps to the door at the end of the hallway, past the entrance to Mrs Stavitskys rooms. Behind the door is a steep flight of old carpeted stairs that leads to your humble abode. you’ve just shut the door behind you and taken the first few steps on the sagging stairs when you hear a familiar, biting voice.
“Solnushka? What, not pulling another all-nighter at the office?”
Momentary panic sets in. Despite telling Matthew yourself that you had a roommate, you’d forgotten that him coming over meant he’d actually meet said roommate. You weren’t really prepared yet for your two worlds to crash together like this, but you supposed there wasn’t anything to be done about it now.
Lena stepped out of your tiny shared bathroom, clasping a golden necklace onto her long, pale neck. Mrs Stavitsky liked to coo over her, saying she was like a graceful swan. You preferred comparing her to a ginger giraffe who also suffered from a horrible case of anemia.
“-I’m going out with Dima and Natusya, so don’t expect to see me again till about four pm tomorrow”
You keep walking up the stairs, placing your right hand on the old wooden wall for support. In the back of your mind, you can’t help but think it’s as if you're shielding Matthew.
“Dima? I thought you excommunicated him after he said your veins were easier to spot than your boobs”
“Let’s say he’s on parole” She gives a sniffle that she still manages to make sounds mean somehow “But enough about me! Who’s this?”
At this point you’ve both reached the landing that stretches around your small apartment, leading to your bedrooms, the living room, and the kitchen with its uneven warped floors.
You gently elbow your boss “Matthew, this is my roomie!” (you hope your smile isn’t too forced) “Careful, she bites"
"I do not” She extends one of her lanky, immaculately manicured hands “Lena Gershman, Pleasure to meet you"
Your boss gingerly takes what you can’t help but think of as Lena’s claw
"Matthew Patel!"
This immediately wipes the self-satisfied smile off Lena’s face. She gives you a stunned look, as if not fully able to believe ears "Matthew Patel? As in your new boss?"
You feel the blood rushing to your cheeks, deeply regretting how much office gossip you shared with your roommate.
"Yes, that Matthew Patel. We're going to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I’m just dropping by to change out of my office clothes"
"Wow Solnushka, I knew you were a masochistic workaholic but still"
You’re fully prepared to lunge and chuck Lena’s bony ass down the stair but thankfully before you have a chance, Matthew interjects with a question
"Solnushka?"
Lena doesn’t spare Matthew a glance, clearly hoping that if she continues the staring match the two of you have started then she’ll be able to convey whatever judgemental thoughts are filling her head.
“childhood nickname, I guess it could be translated as ‘Sunny’. It started cause when they were like eight, cause they kept trying to convince their vegan cousins to blow up the sun"
"Aw, are you guys childhood friends?” Matthew pauses “Wait, you have vegan cousins?"
Lena crosses her arms, sniffing indignantly “We are not childhood friends”
Lena’s family had immigrated to the States when she was around twelve, and your mother had instantly befriended them. Lena was a few years older and always seemed to resent being forced to spend time with you, but it wasn’t like either of you had many friends in your own age range to hang out with. Once you’d hit college you’d started actually getting along, which is where Lena traced your friendship to. Personally, you thought all this did qualify you as childhood friends, but Lena always did like arguing about the semantics
"Yeah, my cousin's whole side of the family is Vegan, there’s a lot of pressure about getting into Vegan Academy and stuff. There’s been some recent drama cause one of my cousins is going through a rebellious phase and turning Vegetarian"
" Doesn’t really affect me though” You give Lena’s shoulder a gentle bump as you start walking past her “I'm getting changed, don't scare him off"
Lena rolls her eyes and Matthew gives you a panicked look. You ignore them both.
You start rummaging through your clothes drawers. You’re not really sure what the dress code is. you kinda regret not asking Matthew for more details, but you decide to just go with your favorite top and any bottoms you find that match.
Matthew and Lena’s voices start to drift down the tiny hallway. You think they’ve moved to your kitchen based on how muffled their voices are, but if you focus you can still make out their words
"I uh, I like the wall decoration thingy"
Sounds like Matthew. You can see the white cloth with its blue embroidery clear in your head, a graduation present Lena got from her mum when she completed her French Language degree
"hmm? Oh, thanks. It's a list of words for emotions that don’t exist in English"
You switch to the other drawer. Were your clothes always this disorganized? You swore you saw the desired top just the other day
"This one's supposed to be Hindi. 'the intense desire to live', would you say that's an accurate description?"
"No clue, I don't speak Hindi"
"What, your parents didn't teach you?"
"Uh, no, we speak Gujarati at home"
You wince. Really, it’s not Lena’s fault she’s so…white.
“Ah…would you like something to drink? I’ll get the kettle”
You crack a weak smile at Lena’s shitty deflecting skills. You just hope she doesn’t horribly embarrass herself (and by extension, you) any further.
You’ve just managed to locate your favorite top and assemble what you hope is a decent outfit when suddenly Lena pokes her curly head through your doorway
"Ugh, what’s taking you so long? Your knight in emo armor is getting antsy"
You can't send Lena any glares while applying eyeliner but you try your best anyway
"yeah, yeah, whatever Madam Bitch. Could you look for my bracelet while you're here? The one I wore to Yasha's birthday, I think it rolled under the bed"
She groans but does it anyway. For a moment the room is silent except for Lena rustling under the bed, then she speaks up "he seems nice. In a weirdo loser sort of way. but I’m worried this is only going to end badly"
You sigh, whispering in the hopes Matthew won’t hear the two of you "Yeah, I know, I know-"
“Solnushka, I’m serious-“
“I know he’s my boss-“
“that’s not what I mean”
You stop doing your eyeliner and glance at Lena. She's sitting on the floor in front of your bed, holding your bracelet in one hand and pulling on her perfectly styled shorts curls with the other.
“I mean, I'm not sure what you're thinking going out with your boss and this could be really bad for your job stability- But that’s not what I mean. Despite all that I do think this guy could be really good for you- but you know who else I thought that about? Khin Yu, and it turns out you can’t stand anything that might be good for you. I don’t want you to self-sabotage yourself again.”.
You deflate. Memories of Khin Yu finally calling it quits flood your brain. You’d never seen anyone look as miserable as she had in that moment. You’d made her reach that snapping point. Just thinking about ever making anyone else feel like that made you feel physically ill.
You sigh "Relax, it's not even a date. He's just lonely and looking for friends" It's painful to say but you know it's the truth.
Lena raises her eyebrows. You snatch your bracelet from her.
“Whatever. How do I look?”
“Not a date my ass" she mumbles before turning to the door "Hey Patel! Get in here and tell Solnushka they look fine”.
You hear loud hurried footsteps and then Matthews's greasy little self appears in your doorway
"Woah! You look great! I really like the eyeliner-"
The rest of his sentence dies off as he looks around. You track him as he looks around and takes in your small room; the shelves full of puzzle boxes and horror flick DVDs, framed jigsaws and crosswords on the walls, the demolished coffee machine corpse in the corner, your messy bed with the Cheburashka doll Lena gave you for your twenty third, and finally, right above your desk, the picture of Gideon Graves you were using as a dart board
Lena mutters something about how if he’s not careful, Matthew will be next. He looks a bit queasy. You decide it's time to head out
-
You’re the first one to break the kiss.
“Hey, could we turn the tv off?”
Khin Yu blinks dazedly up at you from her position on the couch, arms still slung over your shoulders
“The shining is kind of a mood killer, no offense.”
“Mhm, but it’s a first date classic” She pulls you down again, burying her face in the crook of the neck “Blehh, you smell like smoke”
“Is it? I’m pretty sure you just made that up”
“Ok, then turn it off”
“that would be a lot easier if-ah-If you’d stop doing that-“
Khin Yu stops nibbling on your neck, but you can still feel her smug little smile against your neck “What? I thought you said The Shining was a turn off”
“God, you’re impossible” Despite your best efforts you can’t help the laugh that comes from deep in your chest
-
The cold air stings your cheeks as you exit the theatre but you don’t notice, mind still reeling from the life-changing experience you’ve just had.
“Do...do all shows involve that much dancing? I mean the audience dancing, not the actors obviously" Your eyes are wide and you’re shaking a bit from all the leftover adrenaline.
Matthew throws his head back and lets out an elated laugh "Nope! Rocky Horror is just like that haha. I'm guessing you liked it?"
You spin around and grab his shoulders, barely containing yourself from violently shaking him
"liked it? Do you KNOW the kind of things that have just been awakened in me?"
Matthew carefully unlatches your hands from his shoulders and beams at you "The joys of musicals, am I right?"
"I'm never going to experience this kind of euphoria again" you groan dramatically before spinning back around towards the theatre "Gonna go look for the bathroom, I'll be right back."
Once you manage to fight your way past the tide of people exiting the building, finding the bathroom itself is relatively easy. The line was awful, but at least a couple of people leave once they saw the cracked yellow-stained tiles of the dimly lit room. It's an old building, the kind that needs constant renovation, and they seem to have other priorities for what to do with their budget. Still, despite your surroundings, you can't help but smile to yourself. The ever-present dread that's been plaguing you all day isn't gone per se but it's definitely subsided somewhat. This is... it's nice. Maybe being friends with your boss isn't that bad. Maybe being just friends isn't that bad. There's a dull ache somewhere in your chest but you focus on thoughts of future musicals you and him could see.
Navigating your way out of the building is much easier now that most people have set off on their way home. Matthew is exactly where you left him outside the doors and you're about to call out to him when you spot a short, heavyset figure speaking with him. She has her back to you, but you can make out golden brown skin and bleached hair, all wrapped up in more pink than you've ever seen anyone above the age of eight wear. You're too far away to hear their conversation. You could just walk over. You could join them. Instead, you just hang back and watch like the loser you are.
They laugh about something, and you feel like a pit has formed in your stomach. Your wallowing is cut short when she starts to walk away, waving goodbye to Matthew. You can't really make out her face from where you lurk, but one of her dozens of bracelets still manages to catch your eye. A dangly silver chain, with little Bejewelled hearts attached.
Your stomach drops.
You've seen it before. Where have you seen it before? Suddenly there's something disconcertingly familiar about the glittery girl.
"Hey! There you are!" Matthew has started jogging over to you. Your anxiety is only partially soothed by how happy he looks to see you
"Man, you just missed Kitty!"
Matthew's reached your hiding spot now and even in your miserable state you can't help but smile a little at his enthusiasm
"Who?"
"My internet friend! We met on MySpace, but this is the first time we've actually seen each other in person! " Matthews gesturing wildly with his hands as you start to make your way to where the girls parked the limo "I can't believe we ended up at the same show, wild how stuff like that just happens! Kitty's not her actual name by the way- at least I don't think it is. I don't know her real name, but she goes by PrincessGoreKittyxoxo82 online so I just use Kitty"
Matthew reels back when you flick the air next to his head
"What is it with you and names? You have early onset Alzheimer's or something?"
The rest of the trip back is filled with Matthew explaining in extreme detail his exact thought process when picking his MySpace playlist, infodumps about all the musicals you've never heard of, an interrogation about what your favorite part of Rocky Horror was, and an info dump from you where you explain everything you liked about it (which is, of course, everything). By the end of the car trip, you've been convinced to hunt down a production of Little Shop of Horrors.
It's approaching twelve AM and you and Matthew are standing silently on your front doorstep. Despite the lively conversations you'd been having up until now, you've suddenly found your throat clogged.
"I uh, I had fun today"
You glance at Matthew, shifting awkwardly from foot to foot
"Yeah! Me too"
More silence. The cold, slimey dread is back again but you take a deep breath anyway
"Wanna come up and watch a shitty movie? I’ve got beer"
-
It was meant to be a quick trip to the grocery. It should have been a quick trip to the grocery. But just as you and Khin Yu were leaving you had reached out to add a cigarette pack to the cart and now the two of you were locked in a heated, whispered argument, trying your best not to get kicked out by the Walmart employees.
“-Babe, it’s really none of your fucking business what I put in my lungs”
Khin Yu puffs out her chest, as if that’ll somehow gain her a few inches “It will be if you get lung cancer! Also, in case you forgot, we share a flat! I have a right to complain if you’re stinking up the whole place-”
“You know the only reason I’m smoking this much is cause I’m stressed about exams!”
You don’t know if it’s the florescent lights or your girlfriend's nagging voice, but you can feel an oncoming migraine
“You’ve been saying that the whole time I’ve known you! Maybe you wouldn’t be so stressed if you ever thought about anything other than exams. You don’t need to spend every second of your existence studying! You’re always so busy, this was the first time you’ve gone anywhere with me in weeks!”
You’ve had this same argument a hundred times but you still grit out “Yeah well maybe if you weren’t always ‘going’ places your grades wouldn’t be so shit. And besides, why do you need me to go out with you? Isn’t that what you have your friends for?”
“You’re changing the subject” her face was going red from the barely contained rage “and maybe I want to hang out with you because we’re dating!?”
You can feel the other shoppers starting to whisper about you. the attention makes you want to shrivel up and die. Instead of replying to your enraged girlfriend you grab the cigarettes and push past her.
-
"-and then! And then! He poured the fucking coffee on me!"
"He what?!"
"Yeaaaah, it was a bad day" The memory wasn't funny but you giggled anyway, snuggling deeper into the couch, trying not to think about how at some point tonight Matthew's accent had slipped out and he hadn't bothered putting it back. You liked it.
"I guess I'm lucky the reason he was mad was that the coffee was too cold, otherwise I'd be kinda fucked"
Matthew makes some kind of cut off half-laugh half-choking noise as he turns away from the TV to face you. Technically, you're sitting on opposite ends of the living room couch. But the living room couch isn't very big, and your faces are only a couple inches apart. That's definitely why you're staring so much at his big, beautiful, dark eyes. definitely.
Matthew takes your hands in his and whispers oh so seriously "I would never pour a lukewarm iced spice latte on you"
Neither of you were really paying attention to the film anymore. It wasn't even a horror movie, Matthew was too scared to watch any from your collection, so you had to steal some poorly subtitled Soviet romcom from Lena's room. Still, something about the atmosphere is making your insides all warm and fuzzy.
"Yeah cause if you did I'd change all your device passwords and blame it on a virus "
Matthew mock gasps and takes his hands off yours, laying one on his chest dramatically. You try not to think about how much colder you feel without him. Predictably, You fail.
"Wooooww, you're so scary"
Now it's your turn to mock gasp "Are you making fun of me? You think I'm not scary?"
Matthew gives you a smug look "Noo, you're very very intimidating. I have nightmares every night about you giving me lukewarm Starbucks"
God, he has nice eyelashes.
"Oh I'll show you intimidating"
"Yeah? How so?"
Before your self-restraint can catch up to you you've pinned Matthew down, using strength you didn't know you had. It's a hard balance keeping his arms above his head and straddling him without slipping off the small couch, but you manage. You pant a bit but grin down at him triumphantly anyway. "You intimidated yet, Mattie?"
"Mghhmm"
The grin drops off your face as you suddenly process what you've done. Your face is so close to Matthews that you can feel how warm his breath is, see his pupils dilating, the sweat forming on his skin
"uh-"
Your mind goes completely blank as you feel something press where your hips meet his. You glance down quickly and when you look back up at Matthew's face, he's practically melting. fuck, you didn't even know someone could blush that much. You can feel your heart about to burst out of your chest, but the only thing you can focus on is how soft Matthew's lips look.
"I think I like it when you call me Mattie"
That’s all the invitation you need before your lips crash onto his.
The air around you feels warm and thick as you figure out a rhythm, slowly deepening your kisses. You think you’re about to lose your mind when you hear the airy moan that escapes Matthew's lips.
At some point he had managed to free his hands and had moved them to grip your sides. You’re thankful humans can’t spontaneously combust otherwise you’d already be guts on the wall.
He pushes up a bit, indicating that he wants to sit up. You oblige, moving your hands to his shoulders for stability. He starts lifting your shirt, sliding his hands underneath. Your head feels like it's about to spin off your shoulders. Fuck, how can someone’s hands feel so nice?
He's perfect. His firm hands on your skin are perfect. His hair in your hands as you tug on it is perfect. The sounds he makes when you bite his lip is perfect. His-
him.
Matthew Patel.
Suddenly everything snaps back into horrible, awful, sharp focus and you realise you're making out on the couch with your boss of like, four days tops.
The face Matthew makes when you push yourself off him almost makes you regret it, But if you don't stop now you're terrified you'll only regret it more later.
"Fuck, I can't do this. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"
"What?"
His voice sounds so small, it feels like someone’s carving out your insides, but you don't stop.
"This was a bad idea- this was such a bad idea. Can we just pretend this never happened?"
You know this- this whole thing can only end in tragedy. Either this is just going to be a one-night stand - you're just going to be a one-night stand- and in a few days or weeks or even months you'll go back to being just another employee, or you're going to hurt him. Hurt him like you do everyone else. You're going rip his heart out and chew it to pieces and then spit it in his face, just like you did to Khin Yu, Just like Ramona did to him. Both of these options make you feel violently ill
"Right - Right, I Totally get it, I'm sorry, I'll just go now-" Matthew stumbles to his feet and practically runs for the door. He looks like he's about to puke your shitty beer.
You're left alone with the shitty romcom on your tiny tv, in your tiny living room, on your tiny couch, with your tiny bitch ass heart that you've just smothered to death in your own two hands. And the worst thing is, there’s no one to blame it on except yourself.
-
You’re sitting on your living room floor, watching the last of your cigarette crumble to ashes. The silence is deafening. You keep expecting Khin Yu to show up and yell at you about it. Tell you it’s going to send you to an early grave, that you should go to so-and-so’s birthday or whatever with her. You’d say you were busy. She’d tug on your arm and make pouty faces and you’d call her clingy and she’d storm off, but a few hours later she’d come back with hot cocoa and you’d quietly thank her and then you’d both pretend everything was fine. But that wouldn’t happen today. And it wouldn’t happen tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow, or ever again. Because she’d left.
” I can’t do this anymore. You’re just a hollow shell pretending to be human.”
She’d said it in a soft, hoarse voice. If it wasn’t for the words themselves, you might have mistaken it for the voice she used late at night when you were both curled up in bed, too tired to be mean.
She’d packed her bag through tears and poorly contained sobs, and you’d just stood there, too stunned to say anything.
What had finally pushed her over the edge? You had been having the same argument you’d had a thousand times before. Did you say something worse than normal? Was it when you’d mocked her new pink highlights? Was it when you'd blown smoke into her face?
You looked at one of the movie DVDs she’d forgotten in her rush, feeling how painfully dry your throat was.
everything
It had been everything. It had been you.
-
Matthew Patel has greenlit and started production on a brand new off-Broadway Musical; Scott Pilgrim vs The World. You’ve both been in overdrive trying to manage everything. Between the bloated overfunded mess of a musical your boss has devoted himself to and the increasingly plummeting net worth of the G-Man Media company, neither of you has had any time to discuss that night. Mr Patel is still friendly with you, but there haven’t been any more theatre excursions. It’s like it never happened.
Things are better this way. less complicated.
But, every night as you lay in bed, you can still feel soft lips on yours-
you can still feel sparks.