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The captain jolted up from sleep, barely holding back a yell as they glanced around their room aboard the Grandcypher. Taking a deep breath, they wiped the tears that had started to form from their eyes as the memories of their dream started to dull, though those four words they'd written as their proof of rebellion burned in their mind with the same amount of pain they'd had when writing it.
“There is another helmsman.”
Even now that Rackam had been brought back courtesy of the Otherworlders being defeated, the memories of the helmsman’s cessation of existence still plagued them just as much as the deaths of the rest of their friends. Losing one of their closest confidants in the war on the Otherworlders, losing one of their closest friends, had pained them immensely, made only worse by not being able to open up to the rest of the crew, who were left completely unaware as to what they'd lost. Rackam was back, the captain was aware and beyond relieved by that, but a thought was constantly blooming in the back of their mind that if they turned their back again he'd be gone once more.
Vyrn was still soundly snoring, which managed to pull the captain back to the present and get them to chuckle quietly. They didn't want to wake him, talking with their best friend wouldn't quite help as they'd want it to. Rather, they slipped out of bed and made as quiet an exit as they could manage. A bit of a walk might help clear their mind.
As they passed through the halls of the Grandcypher, they pushed down the anxiety from the nightmare that continued to fight its way into their heart. Though as they paused, their thoughts drifted to more lasting losses. They'd gotten back Rackam, but everyone else was still gone. Everyone had given their life for them and Lyria, and Katalina had even told them to have the adventure they'd wanted. But how could they do that by this point..? They'd failed everyone in their crew, they'd lost so much. Any ideas of adventure were spoiled by the pain of loss by this point.
The captain didn't realize they'd stopped walking a while back. They hadn't even noticed they were crying. They'd tried to be strong for the sake of Lyria, they don't remember if they'd ever cried since before the events in the Oarlyegrande Skydom. But now, they couldn't stop the tears from breaking free, streaking down their face as their body shook with quiet sobs.
“Captain? Hey, what's wrong?”
Oh. They hadn't realized they'd stopped at Rackam's room. But now, the helmsman was standing in his doorway, dressed in his basic sleepwear. The captain released a shaky breath and restrained their sobs before speaking up slightly, mumbling an apology to the older man.
“Hey, don't apologize. You didn't wake me up. But really, what's the matter?”
He'd approached the captain, though they had to envision they were quite the sight for the helmsman even if they hadn't woken him up. They couldn't bring themselves to answer the question, instead wrapping their arms around Rackam and moving themselves closer to the helmsman, releasing their tears once again as the older man froze for a moment in surprise. For a moment, the captain worried he'd be too startled from their sudden action, but Rackam carefully returned the embrace and responded quietly.
“Ah, kid… It's alright. I'm right here.”
The two stayed as they were for a time, until eventually the sobs from the captain slowed, and they withdrew themselves from the embrace they'd had Rackam in. A flash of guilt ran through them as they noticed how much their crying had gotten onto his shirt, but the helmsman interjected before they could apologize again.
“Don't apologize, captain. It's not a big deal. Are you feeling a bit better?”
They nodded, not trusting their voice after a good few minutes of crying, and Rackam gave a small smile in return.
“Good. You don't gotta talk about it right now, if you don't want to, but it seems like you really needed that.”
They attempted a smile in return, but shook their head before taking a breath to calm their nerves. It wasn't easy to revisit the events that had pained them this badly, but they owed their helmsman, their family, the truth.
“...God. That’s… I don't even know what to say.”
They'd relocated to the helmsman's bed when the older man had noticed the serious look in their eyes, and he'd remained silent as the captain recounted everything that had happened after he was erased. On occasion, their emotions would creep back in, aiming to overwhelm them with grief once more, but Rackam had reassuringly squeezed their hand to help ground them anytime it had happened.
“It…was painful. It is painful.”
Their voice was hoarse, their crying having caught up with them over the long story they'd told to their brother. They took a slow breath, squeezing the helmsman's hand as they exhaled, and met his gaze again.
"I...let you down. I let everyone down. You all trusted me, and you all died because of it. I'm not worthy of being any captain. Even if we can bring everyone back, how can I ever-"
"Hey, captain. Sorry to interrupt, but can I give my take on it?"
They paused for a moment before nodding. Their voice was failing them anyways, and Rackam looked serious about what he wanted to say, though he gave a small squeeze of the captain's hand to reassure them before he spoke up.
"I can't speak for anyone else, obviously, but if I had the chance to go back, I'd easily do it all again. Not because I want to die, mind you, but I feel you've got it backwards. None of us died because you failed us, we all chose to give our everything for your sake. We all believe in you as our captain. I've always believed in you, ever since Port Breeze. I'd give my life for you without hesitation because you're my c-...no, that doesn't seem fair to say. You're my family."
"But, I-"
Rackam shook his head, carefully pulling the captain into a seated embrace as he responded. "None of that, please. You haven't done anything to lead us astray. It's not like any of us would kill ourselves if you told us to, but if it comes down to it, if they're like me, they wouldn't regret their decision or having you as their captain."
The captain paused, taking in the older man's words as they returned the hug and let out a much more relaxed breath.
"Thank you, Rackam. I...didn't see the time to say it when you showed up, but I...I missed you."
"Don't you worry, captain. I'm not going anywhere."
The captain smiled as they pulled away from Rackam, before their prior exhaustion caught up with them and they failed to suppress a yawn, drawing a small laugh from the man sitting next to them.
"It's pretty late, and you've been pushing yourself so much. You really should get some sleep, captain. We'll fix this, but we'll need you at your best to do so."
They nodded, but rather than taking their leave, they shuffled closer to the other edge of the helmsman's bed and fell on their back against the mattress, taking Rackam by surprise.
"Captain? Everything alright?"
The captain smiled and dragged themself under the mess of covers, sleepily patting the extra space still on the bed next to them.
"...Oh. You want to sleep over, tonight? You could've just asked, y'know."
Rackam rolled his eyes, but couldn't fight back a fond smile as he joined them and halfheartedly made an effort to readjust the covers into something presentable.
"Heh, sorry about the mess here, then. I wasn't really expecting a sleepover. ...Good night, captain. I promise, I'm not going anywhere until you wake up."
The captain smiled as they pulled their brother into another sleepy embrace, mumbling a quiet good night as they let their exhaustion finally carry them off to slumber.
They would stumble, they'd have their problems come back to them, it was nearly certain. But they didn't have to bear them alone. They'd won back a part of their family, and they'd give everything they had to make sure they never lost it again.