Archive of Our Own

In a world with mutants, magicians, time travellers, infinity stones, aliens, sentient androids and superheroes, there were also soulmates. 

No one was quite sure where they came from or what really decided who your soulmate was. Different religions believed different things, scientists had their theories, doctors had their suspicions, but really, there was no answer for them.

Centuries ago, soulmates had meant a lot more. It was criminal to be with someone you weren’t fated for and societies throughout time held soulmates as one of the most important things a human could have.

Witch hunters gave up their life’s work upon finding out their destined love was a witch, space wars were ended when a pilot from a rebel team found his soulmate on the opposing side, magic in lands where magic was outlawed overturned their rules when the king found out his soulmate was a sorcerer.

But as time went on, and people changed and laws changed and the world changed, the rules changed.

People began to question the means of how their soulmates were decided. Why should we all listen to some higher being we don’t even know just because it says a stranger is our soulmate?

So as time went on, people didn’t care too much for soulmates. There were those who would wait ages to find theirs, not dating anyone recreationally until they found their other half. There were people who wanted to meet their soulmate but didn’t mind dating others before they met. There were people who didn’t care much either way, they wanted to fall in love with whoever they wanted, and if that so happened to be their soulmate, great. Then there were those who had refused to let their lives be dictated by a strange force and would avoid meeting their soulmate as much as they could.

In the 40s, not being with your soulmate was still relatively new, but never looked down upon. Most people would date with the understanding they weren’t made to be, but sometimes they lasted, sometimes they got married and had kids despite the world still being grey for them both.

James Buchanan Barnes was one of the few people who dreamed every night of the day he’d finally meet his soulmate.

He was sure she would be beautiful. Kind, soft and sweet, but also strong enough that she would tease him. Taunt him and joke along with him. Not be afraid to slap his arm and tell him to quit it if he was going too far. 

He romanticised soulmates, fell in love with all the books and movies and plays about them. He read every study that had been done on them, all the myths, legends and rumours that had been passed on.

Bucky would ask his parents starry-eyed about their love story. He’d make them both tell it to him a million times over and they would smile so lovingly at each other as they told their story, never tiring of it.

He’d meet elderly couples who wore soul rings and would ask them their stories, he’d ask his classmates what they hoped their soulmate was like.

Bucky would even ask the girls he dated recreationally what they hoped their soulmate would be like. After holding hands he’d wonder if his soulmate would hold his hand the same way. After kissing, he’d wonder if his soulmate would kiss him the same. After a date, he’d wonder if his soulmate would enjoy it the same.

Thinking about his soulmate gave him something to look forward in his boring, monotonous life. 

And when the war came, it was his soulmate that made Bucky enlist. Whoever she was, Bucky wanted her to be safe, to not live in fear of war. He would enlist to help make the world safer, just for her. Just so she could breathe a little easier at night, even if he didn’t know who she was quite yet.

Steve had advised him not to enlist, especially because Bucky hadn’t met his soulmate yet, but Bucky needed too. The same way Steve insisted he needed to as well. And Steve let it go with a stern shake of his head that he had mastered long before he was ever Captain America.

Everyday he trained, he trained for his soulmate. Everyday he shot a gun, he shot a bullet for his soulmate. Everytime he was put out on the field, he fought for her.

And he fought good, he fought with every bit of strength he had, just for her.

And then the 107th got held hostage, and he was taken to a large room, full of needles and a long bed with a terrifying machine over it.

His time being held hostage gets a little blurry, there are times when he wants to give up. Give up the hope that he’ll be saved, free from this hell. But he thinks of his soulmate and he keeps his will strong.

The long empty boring nights are filled with day dreams of how they would meet.

Sitting in a restaurant, Bucky would be with Steve and his Peggy (because of course, of course Steve met his soulmate during the war), and they would be having a nice dinner. A girl would laugh at the table next to him, so gently and Bucky would turn to look at her, and she’d turn to, their eyes locking as colours bleed into their life. Bumping into each other one night, she would begin to teter and Bucky would reach out and steady her. They’d lock eyes and the greys in his eyes would melt away. Maybe one day he’d be grocery shopping, just picking up some bread and he’d greet the cashier, who would smile at him. She’d look up to grab his change and their eyes would lock.

He thought up a million scenarios of how he’d meet her, and he’d get excited each time. Bucky would get out, he’d get out of here and he would meet her.

And he does get out. Steve comes in and unstraps him from a table that Bucky can’t really remember why he’s on in the first place.

Not that that had really been his main focus when his previously five foot four best friend was now over six feet and a fucking tank.

They get back to their base, and Steve immediately wants to go back into battle. And Bucky follows him, because of course he does. He would follow Steve to the end of the world.

Bucky used to think that maybe if Steve had been his soulmate, everything would’ve been easier. They were best friends, and they did love each other in ways others would never understand. But Bucky’s world had remained grey for too many years for it to be Steve, and he longed for his soulmate too much to give it all away.

Anyway, they go into battle, destroying as many of Red Skulls’ bases as they could, fighting wars, winning battles, and life is seeming great. Yeah, Bucky is probably gonna have a hell of a time trying to sleep when he gets back home, but he’ll feel better know he’s protecting the world his soulmate lives in.

But then he falls off the train.

Bucky can see the way Steve reaches out for him, the terror on his face the moment he realises he’s out of reach.

Bucky hopes he doesn’t haunt Steve’s nightmares too much. He’d hate to ruin the perfect life Steve had been slowly assembling for himself all because he fell off a train. It wasn’t Steve’s fault, but Bucky knows as he falls and watches Steve get smaller and smaller that Steve would probably blame himself until the end of time.

Bucky can’t really blame him though because if it was Steve who fell, Bucky would never forgive himself.

As he falls, the wind whipping around his face, watching as the train and Steve get impossibly smaller, he thinks of his soulmate.

He hopes that by some miracle, it was a one-sided sort of thing. That maybe he never really had a soulmate in the first place. Or that if he did, the universe gives her a new one, because it’d be a real shame if she lost hers before she ever even got to see all the beautiful colours Bucky’s parents loved to talk about to him.

He wishes he could have met her, even for just a second, so he could tell her how much he loved every part of her despite never having known her.

Bucky hits the ground and dies.

Except that he doesn’t.

Instead, HYDRA finds him, and the next seventy or so years of his life are one massive blur of torture and torment.

Bucky doesn’t ever really get time to think about his soulmate again, because he never really gets to think . The Winter Soldier takes over for most of the seventy odd some years, a cold, robotic soldier who does whatever he’s ordered. Words repeated back to him over and over, energy surging through his bones, punishing blows that beat him into shape.

Every now and then, he breaks through the Winter Soldier brainwashing. Every now and then he gets glimpses of time passing, he remembers bits and pieces of a life that’s not really his as time goes on.

Bucky remembers being on top of a building, holding a gun and staring into someone’s window. He’d always been a good shot.

He remembered jumping onto a car, holding something in his hand. A steering wheel? He’s not quite sure.

He remembers being yelled at by a bunch of HYDRA members for remembering, remembers being clasped into a machine and terrible electricity running from his brain to his toes.

He remembers fighting people. Multiple people? He thinks one of them might be Steve. Another is a massive bird? Or maybe a Pterodactyl. He’s not sure anymore. All he remembers is breaking a wing and throwing whatever out of his way.

He remembers dragging Steve to dry land and dropping him there.

There’s other memories that blur together after that, like he’s not fully clear in the head and he’s watching someone else memories as someone frames him for T’Chaka’s death.

After that, he doesn't remember anything, no bits and pieces, until he fully wakes up. Arm locked in a massive mechanism, blood trickling down his forehead, and the world a lot more colourful than it had been seventy years ago.

HYDRA had taken everything from him.

They had taken his name, his freedom, his goddamn arm, his ability to sleep at night, his friends, his life , and now, they had taken his soulmate.

Figuratively, of course. Bucky was sure HYDRA had no way of finding out whoever his soulmate was, because Bucky didn’t even know.

But at some point, when he was the Winter Soldier, he had made eye contact with his soulmate.

And he didn’t remember it. He didn’t even remember remembering in colour so he doesn’t even know where to begin. 

Was it during the 70 years? Were they an enemy he killed? An innocent civilian he hurt? Were they alive? And if they were, were they terrified he was their soulmate? 

Maybe he had met them undercover. Maybe they had even been someone who worked for HYDRA (god he hopes not). 

It doesn’t matter who they are though, because he will never know. He met his soulmate, the person he had fought for for years, the person who had inadvertently helped him survive being held hostage, the person he longed and had yearned to meet for years .

Gone. Just like that.

Years of hoping to meet her, years of dreaming how it would happen, years of wondering who she’d be, how she’d act, what she looked like, gone .

All because of fucking HYDRA.

Steve asks him a few questions to make sure it’s him, really him and not the brainwashed soldier as some unnamed man crosses his arms and stands nearby, on guard.

Bucky answers them as millions of emotions swirl in his chest as his brain focuses on thinking clearly for the first time in decades.

Steve clears him quickly, letting his damn arm out of the stupid machine that’s holding him in place, but the other guy is still hesitant to trust Bucky, still on guard and Steve sighed heavily.

Bucky tells Steve about the others, the other soldiers that could tear the world apart with their bare hands while the other guy stares hard at Bucky. The two of them talk in hushed voices and the other guy sighed heavily before leaving the room. 

Steve moves closer to Bucky, crouching in front of him but keeping more than an arm’s length of distance. 

“What’s wrong, Buck?” Steve asked, voice careful, like he’s stepping on thin ice.

He’s treating Bucky like he’s a feral animal and it’s really fucking bugging him, but that’s not the main issue right now.

Bucky ducks his head, that long hair he never asked for falling from behind his ears, shielding his face from the world around him.

“I can see colours,” Bucky mumbled, voice low and heavy. Anger twisting in his words and dancing with sadness as his words spill out. “And... It must’ve happened when I was him because I have no fucking clue who they are.”

Steve’s face softens with pity, his eyes shine with sadness and he reaches a hand out to rest on Bucky’s knee.

“I’m... really sorry, I know all you ever wanted was to meet them.” Steve said and Bucky shook his head self pityingly.

“For all I know the Winter Soldier killed them. All I ever wanted was to meet them and now-” Bucky scoffed wetly, tears in his eyes but he forces them back. “HYDRA took everything from me, Stevie. Everything .”

Steve is silent for a long moment, his thumb gently caressing Bucky’s inner knee in a comforting gesture and Bucky closes his eyes, focusing on the feeling. 

“A few days after you fell off the train, I crashed into the ocean,” Steve said, voice heavy and Bucky nods to show he’s listening since his eyes are still closed. “Was frozen for seventy years. Basically took a really long nap. When I woke up, almost everyone I had known had died or was gone.

“Except... Peggy was still alive.” Steve said and Bucky looked up in surprise. He hadn’t even had the time to think about Steve and Peggy because he’d been a little preoccupied feeling sorry for himself. “But she was older. She had married someone else who had also lost his soulmate. They had kids and a happy life. I went to talk to her now and then, but she wasn’t really... here . Not mentally.

“... She just passed away the other day. In her sleep, at least. But... She’s gone. I never even got to go on a date with her.” Steve said and Bucky shakes his head.

“I’m so sorry,” Bucky said and reached his right hand out to rest on Steve’s. Steve looks Bucky in his eyes now, emotions behind his eyes intense. 

“We might just not be the people meant for soulmates, Buck,” Steve said and sighed heavily. “We’ve got a world to protect. People in it who do have their soulmates, or other loves in their life. We need to fight for them. So they don’t have to go through what we have.”

Bucky nods, blinking his tears away and sitting up straight.

“I’m right besides you, always.” Bucky said and Steve smiled warmly. 

“I know.”

They have a mess to clean up, and apparently Steve’s on the run from the United Nations, so it’s a little hard because they all have to run low profile. But Steve says he has it handled, he always has it handled.

The other guy, Sam , keeps giving Bucky the cold shoulder though. At every turn, Bucky spots a cold gaze, dull words and a grating attitude.

A simple “Can you move your seat up?” is met back with a monotonous “ No.” and Bucky really needs Steve to get back in the damn car because otherwise he’s gonna punch the dude in the face.

Bucky gets it, but doesn’t all at once. He’s Bucky Barnes, former Winter Soldier, who knows if the big WS killed someone this dude was close to or something? He wouldn’t blame him for being pissed. 

But also, it’s not that Sam’s pissed. He’s just... cold is all. Like Bucky did something personally to him that hurt his feelings or something dumb like that and Bucky doesn’t know what gives.

What’s weirdest is that despite the cold shoulder the guy gives him, Bucky feels drawn to him. It’s probably because Steve clearly trusts the guy almost as much as he trusts Bucky, but Bucky feels better knowing that the guy is on his side. That he’s fighting to help bring light to the hell he’s been put through. That he’s understanding it all. And despite his sharp, cutting words sometimes, Bucky doesn’t dislike the dude. 

Granted, Bucky’s not his biggest fan or anything, but he’ll work on it.

There’s no time to really dwell on the weird emotional distance anyway because he and Sam have a jet to secure and there’s some fucking bug ( beetle? spider?) mutant thing attacking them.

Bucky’s quick to work around Sam’s fighting skill. Sam attacks high and focuses on defence and distraction while Bucky kicks low and focuses on offence and attacks.

Bucky’s almost certain that whatever they’re fighting can’t be older than twelve or something though because his voice is high pitched and he keeps trying to innocently start a conversation like he isn’t actively kicking their asses.

And when the kid swings at Sam, it’s a strong pull in Bucky’s chest, active panic crawling on his skin that makes him jump in front of Sam, trying to take the brunt of the kick without realising the bannister behind them is glass.

When Bucky falls on top of Sam, he swears his body feels electric. And not the kind of electricity that would flow through his body when he was being electrocuted.

This is something different.

Something... good .

The kid disarms them and Redwing launches the kid outside and Bucky sighs weakly, out of breath.

“You couldn’t have done that earlier?” Bucky quipped, because it’s easier to return the taunting jabs than it is to even try and unravel the feels twisting into a knot in his chest.

“I hate you,” Sam shot back, just as breathless, but there’s no real heat behind his voice, no trace of genuine malice.

They both laid on their back for a moment to catch their breath, but not too long because they have a mission.

Bucky gets free first, his right hand completely free as he digs into one of the pockets on his thighs and produces a small knife, cutting off the- whatever - that they’d been detained with and he sits up, crawling over to Sam quickly.

Wordlessly, Bucky gets him free, and though Sam doesn’t say anything, his eyes express gratefulness before he turns away.

“Let’s go, we don’t have much time.”

Most of the stuff that happens after is insignificant to Bucky, it’s a lot of mindless fighting. Punches, kicks, all super power adjacents. They win is the only thing that matters. 

All he really clearly remembers is his left arm being blasted off, the shocking pain that shot through his entire body and he almost threw up from it, the excruciating shock shaking him to his core.

Bucky goes back on ice in Wakanda, to help him. Get all the nasty bits HYDRA put in and Bucky doesn’t think about much while he’s under.

Except, for some reason, he thinks about Sam.

He really doesn’t get it. They hadn’t even spoken more than five times but the man took up most of his thoughts.

The weird look he gets in his eyes when he catches himself being even slightly nice to Bucky. The odd way he quips and makes jabs at Bucky, like he’s forcing himself to be mean almost. 

They’re not even working together anymore. Bucky’s off ice in Wakanda, doing mental therapy until they deem him fit to be a functioning member of society again and Sam’s off- Probably in jail if Stark got his way. Bucky’s not entirely sure what happened to everyone else afterwards.

And yet, Sam runs through his mind a lot.

One day, Bucky’s helping one of the farmers when Shuri comes by to check on him. It was her job to continuously make sure he was slowly integrating with society well enough. That he wasn’t having any traumatic lash outs and that he could function with one arm well enough.

It was weird that a kid was so equipped to handle that sort of baggage, but Bucky had begun to stop questioning things once a guy with red skin came floating down from the sky with a cape.

“Ch’Tusee, your sister wants you.” Shuri tells the person working with Bucky. The woman smiles and takes her leave as Bucky continues sorting through plants and picking what’s good and marking what needs its time.

“What’s up?” Bucky asked because she rarely ever pops in this randomly unless something’s up.

“Captain America has been asking about you,” She informed with a teasing grin that Bucky dreads because it’s normally followed by her teasing him. 17 year olds could be so ruthless. “A lot .”

“He worries easily.” Bucky said, shaking his head fondly. Seems like even super serum and years under ice could never change Steve Rogers. “When we were younger, I’d break my arm a lot and he’d freak out everytime.”

Shuri’s grin grows more wicked. “You two are awfully close,” She noted and then, as casually as she could, leaned against the fence. “You two soulmates?”

Bucky scoffed with an eye roll, grabbing his basket and standing up. A little shakily because his only arm was currently occupied, but he was getting better at managing.

“No.” Bucky said and Shuri quirks an eyebrow because she can clearly tell there’s more to be said. “Steve met his a while ago and loved her a lot. She passed away though.”

“The agent right? Agent Carter?” Shuri asked and moves out of Bucky’s way as they begin to head back to the main building. 

“Peggy, yeah.” Bucky said and sighed. “They didn’t get much time together.”

“Well then, what about you?” Shuri asked and Bucky raised an eyebrow.

“What about me?” He asked and she rolled her eyes.

“What about your soulmate? Met them yet?” Shuri asked and Bucky frowned deeply then and she immediately lost her grin.

“I can see colours.” Bucky said and looked out at the distance towards the setting sun. Bucky swallowed thickly at the hauntingly beautiful colours that painted the sky. It made his stomach roll getting to see the orange and pink that crept up the blue sky. “But I don’t know who my soulmate is. Or was.”

And Shuri is smart. She doesn’t need to ask what that means because her look gets all too sympathetic for her and she shakes her head gently.

“Sorry for asking,” She apologised and Bucky shook his head back.

“Don’t apologise. It’s natural to be interested.” Bucky said and then tried for a soft smile, gently bumping his shoulder against hers. “So what about you? Have you met your soulmate yet?”

“Ugh, yes .” Shuri said and shook her head. “He’s rather annoying, you know. We’ve known since we were kids and-”

Time goes by, and Bucky slowly gains mental stability. He finally begins to feel safe in his own skin. That he’s not going to just snap and hurt someone, he won’t lash out if someone so much as mumbles in Russian at him.

He’s James Buchanan Barnes, he’s White Wolf, he’s Bucky , not the Winter Soldier.

What HYDRA made him into isn’t who he is, and he’s finally comfortable with saying that. He’s even begun to believe it himself.

And weirdly, the more comfortable he gets, the more he thinks about Sam.

It gets so bad one week that he even calls and asks Steve about him.

“ Sam?” Steve asked, double checking in shock. “What about him?”

“Just... I dunno. How’s he doing?” Bucky asked and winces at how awkward that sounds. The Wakanadan, Shanga, that’s screening his call chuckles good naturedly at him and he rolls his eyes with a smile. 

“He’s... Doing as good as any of us can, really.” Steve replied. “Been very determined lately, going on a lot of rescue missions. Found some files that imply there’s more Winter Soldier testing going on. He’s very involved with that right now.”

It makes something not bad twist in Bucky’s chest at that.

“He is? Do you know why?” Bucky asked and Steve is silent for a moment, like he’s thinking. 

“Nothing for sure, but I’m starting to have suspicions.” Steve said, like he’s slowly piecing things together and Bucky is feeling a little left out. “Anyway, how’s Wakanda been treating you?”

“Same as last time.” Bucky said. “Everyone’s incredible and kind. I feel like I’m overstaying my welcome though.”

“Hey, they want to help you as much as you want to be helped.” Steve said. “You can leave whenever you need to, but they have all seemed to take quite a liking to you.”

“Can confirm,” Shanga said and Bucky laughed gently at them. 

“See? Don’t run if you don’t want to,” Steve said. “Trust me, I bet things are a million times better over there than they are out here anyway.”

“You surviving okay?” Bucky asked and Steve sighed heavily. 

“Could be doing better.” Steve admitted. “But I signed up for this, you know. It’s not all bad though. You remember that kid who beat your ass?”

Bucky groaned. “How could I forget?”

“His name’s Peter, I actually think you’d get along great if you two got to talk. But anyway, he’s been a little reckless lately, doesn’t know when to call it quits-” “Hey, sounds like someone I know,” Bucky interrupted.

“Shut it,” Steve said and Bucky can hear his smile and he tunes out a little as Steve begins to drone on. “But Tony’s put him in like, time out or something. Kid’s been crawling the walls, literally, wanting to go out on patrol. He’s taken to trying to convince everyone to convince Tony why he should be let back on duty. The other day he almost broke Sam begging.”

And like that Bucky is paying full attention again, and he really can’t even begin to fathom why.

“How?” Bucky asked and Steve chuckled.

“He tried connecting with him by talking about a robotic spider he made. It helps him shoot webs or whatever. But kid talked about how the spider only activates when he’s working and that he misses him and you know how attached to Redwing Sam is, so Sam could relate.” Steve explained. “Sam almost broke right then and there and broke the kid out of sweet mansion solitary himself. Only realised the kid was playing him when FRIDAY mentioned Peter hadn’t used the spider for months.”

Bucky liked learning new things about Sam, regardless of how unimportant or ridiculous they were. And hearing how much Sam cared about an inanimate object warmed his heart somehow.

More time passes and Bucky starts to not think about Sam so much. He doesn’t even think about his soulmate either, though he still can’t find himself to appreciate the colours around him. They all feel so dull because of the fact that was stripped from him.

Just as Bucky has finally begun to become comfortable with himself, the security of his mind and all that, Thanos happens.

And then it’s a lot.

It’s bigger than Bucky’s ever handled.

Fighting Nazi’s he can handle. Fighting HYDRA and it’s lackeys, he could handle. Fighting a goddamn alien with a goal? He’s not even sure what he’s supposed to do about it.

Everything goes so fast. They’re fighting on the Wakanda field, there’s a massive purple alien, there’s more fighting everywhere, everyone’s trying to regroup, the blip happens and as fast as Bucky can blink, he’s back, he’s alive, but five years have passed.

He thinks everyone’s pulling a fast one on him for a second, that they’re doing some big joke but no, it’s been five years. Bucky blinked and five years passed.

Dr. Strange gathers him and everyone else, there’s another big ass battle and Bucky’s getting real tired because everyone else may have gotten a five year break but it’s barely been five minutes for him.

They win is all that matters. 

They win and Tony Stark is dead.

They win and need to replace the infinity stones.

They win and

And Steve goes back.

They talk before he does, Steve with stars in his eyes as he explains the plan to Bucky and Bucky’s throat feels like it’s closing up as he nods slowly along.

He wants to be mad.

He wants to scream and kick and punch a tree or Steve, he wants to strangle his best friend and shout at him, call him names, a traitor, abandoner, an idiot. He wants to be furious, wants to be livid at Steve for just leaving like that after all he did to save Bucky.

But Bucky gets it. He does.

Steve wants to go back to Peggy, his soulmate , the love of his life. He wants to go back and be with her finally, he wants to go on his date, dance with the woman of his dreams.

And Bucky gets it. If he even know who the hell his soulmate was, he’d bend the laws of the universe for them.

So Bucky wants to be mad, and deep down he is, but overall, he’s understanding, he gets it.

Sam doesn’t get it. Sam does get mad at Steve for leaving. When they talk to Steve again, the old man who sits on the bench, smiling warmly yet sadly as he looks out at the water, Sam yells at him.

Steve takes it, and Bucky wants to interject, but he also thinks Steve deserves it, just a bit.

Steve passed away a few months later. 

It’s then that Bucky screams, kicks and punches a tree. It lets out a sickening CRACK! And bends threateningly low. At the funeral, he can’t even give his speech because if he does he thinks he’ll start cursing his best friend’s grave.

All these years, throughout everything , the only constant that had remained in Bucky’s life had been Steve Rogers.

When they were kids, they were inseparable. When Bucky had begun to become obsessed with his soulmate, Steve was there to tease him about it. When Steve got rejected after asking out yet another girl, Bucky was there to cheer him up. When Bucky was kidnapped, Steve had saved him. When Steve had needed him, Bucky had been there for him. When Bucky was brainwashed, Steve had refused to give up on him.

Bucky may not know who his soulmate is, but he’s certain that the half of his heart that isn’t saved for his soulmate, belongs completely and entirely to Steve Rogers.

Steve Rogers, who is six feet under.

Bucky sort of throws himself into work to avoid all the rumbling emotions in his chest. The grief, the anger, the longing, the confusion, all of it.

It feels like with just a few months of being back in society, everything he’d learned and worked on in Wakanda just washed away.

He had court mandated therapy, he ran missions and cases as often as he could, he tracked any suspicious behaviour and he worked with Sam a lot.

It was like Steve dying brought them together. Steve had been close to both of them, Bucky’s best friend since practically birth and Sam’s trauma bonded best friend since he woke up in the present. Steve was gone and both of them had felt... Lost. So they had found some sort of solace in each other.

Sam still gave him dirty looks now and then, still kept Bucky at arm’s length like he was going to snap at any second, but he didn’t seem scared so Bucky didn’t get it.

But it didn’t matter too much. That familiar feeling of being drawn into Sam grows and grows each day and it doesn’t matter how many strange looks Sam gives him, Bucky has silently devoted himself to protecting the other man. 

They don’t talk a lot sometimes. They’ll even go weeks sometimes without ever so much as shooting a text at the other. Then other times, Bucky is in Delacroix helping Sam with some odd jobs and joking with him like they’ve been buddies all their life.

It’s a rough road for them, neither of them are a wide eyed person who willingly trusts anyone they come into contact with. But they’re trying, for both their sake’s, to get to a point where they can trust each other.

And they try, but neither of them really truly build that bond of trust until the Flagsmashers.

During which, they have each other’s back the whole time. Bucky realises, startingly when they’re in Madripoor and Bucky is playing the role of Winter Soldier, that he does trust Sam, completely and wholly.

Bucky only realises when he’s standing behind Zemo, face impassive and blank as he plays up the role of the mindless brainwashed killing machine. He hates it, he hates everything about this, but he does his best not to let it show.

He doesn’t hide it as well as he thinks though, because he catches Sam glancing at him now and then, brows pinched with emotions Bucky can’t decipher.

When they’re running away later, Sam grabs Bucky by his right arm and pulls him to the side, carefully, gently, and asks if he’s okay after all that.

And Bucky feels his heart begin to race, feels his palms begin to sweat and realises Sam was worried about him. Concerned for him back there and was checking if he was okay.

So yeah, Bucky trusts Sam with his entire life by this point.

With the trust, comes a lot more emotions that begin to swirl in his mind and occupy his every waking thought.

This... trust, it’s different than he had with Steve. And Bucky knows it’s unfair to continuously compare every friendship he’ll ever have to what he had with Steve, but it’s really the only point of reference he’s ever had for a healthy relationship so sue him.

But where Bucky trusted Steve with his being, his safety, his secrets, Bucky trusts Sam with his everything .

It’s weird, actually, how much Bucky trusts Sam despite not having known him for long and having gotten along with him for even shorter. But he does.

Bucky realises Sam trusts him too when he reaches out and grabs Bucky’s hand, staring into his eyes as he grips the bare hand that has the strength of fifty men and has killed hundreds.

It takes Bucky’s breath away as the realisation rushes through his body and it takes every ounce of will power to finally let go and leave.

After the Flagsmashers and Sam officially taking the mantel of Captain America, they become official work partners. Any mission Sam went on, Bucky went on to watch his back. Anytime he had new intel about anyone that could cause harm, Bucky was the first person he told.

Bucky wasn’t his only work partner, of course not. Sam was Captain America , he needed a team , not just one guy.

So Joaquin Torres helped a lot, and so did Yelena Belova, and the whole group felt oddly familiar to Bucky but he couldn’t really place it.

The more they worked together, the more Bucky trusted Sam and the more Sam trusted Bucky.

It got to the point where when they’re in a fight, Sam doesn’t even need to call out to Bucky for help, because the soldier is already running to his side for assistance.

And they begin to trust each other with more than just work stuff too.

Sam gets his own place near Sarah’s so he can still help out when she needs it, but isn’t crowding her space, and the moment he has a place secure, he asks Bucky to move in with him.

“What?” Bucky asked and Sam crossed his arms, leaning against the counter. He had cornered Bucky while the other was making his third cup of coffee for the day.

“I figured it’d be good to get out of that shit hole in New York,” Same said. “I get that that’s always been your home, but being so far away and isolated can’t be good for you. Or missions.”

“You do realise what living with me would entail, right?” Bucky asked, incredulous. “You’ve heard me on the couch when I stay over.”

“Your night terrors aren’t a deterrent, Buck.” Sam said and Bucky huffed. “This isn’t something I just thought of on the whim, you know. I thought it through and I think it’s just the best option for both of us.”

“I get how me moving in would help me, how would it help you though?” Bucky asked as he lifts the pot off the hot plate to pour more coffee into his cup. He doesn’t wait for it to cool as he takes a long sip. Sam’s nose crinkles in disgust at that, though Bucky can’t tell if it’s because of the heat of the coffee or the fact it’s just plain black. Regardless, he sticks his tongue out at him like a child.

“You’re not the only one with night terrors,” Sam reminded. “Plus, it’s easier to keep track of you if you’re just a room over.”

Bucky is silent for a moment, staring deep into Sam’s eyes and Sam doesn’t even attempt to look away, staring just as intensely back at Bucky.

There’s something there, deep in Sam’s eyes that holds a deep emotion Bucky can’t even begin to process. In deep, swirling brown eyes, emotions twist and turn and Bucky can’t even pin one down to try and read Sam, not that the other has ever been easy to read.

Bucky breaks the eye contact and ducks his head.

“I’ll have to talk to Dr. Raynor.” Bucky said, taking another sip of his coffee. “She’ll have a lot of thoughts about it.”

And boy oh boy, she has a lot of thoughts about it.

Bucky hates all that therapy bullshit, but he has still told her so much about himself and she expresses every opinion she has about the situation.

Ultimately though, she agrees with Sam that she thinks moving in would be a good decision for Bucky. That making friends his actual age (“No matter how many years you’ve lived you’re still mentally 40, James.”) would be good for him. 

They would have to sort out therapy in the future and how his court mandated meetings would work with him in a new location, but that would be another conversation.

So Bucky moves in with Sam, and if he thought they were close before, living together makes them even closer.

They have a lot of deep, late night conversations. Sam wakes Bucky up from night terrors almost twice a week and sits by his side until he falls back asleep. They’re able to work more fluidly together now that they’re learning more and more about each other.

And as time passes, Bucky thinks he starts to fall a little in love with Sam Wilson.

There’s a joke here to be made about how he must have a Captain America kink, but he knows better than to think too hard about that.

Sam Wilson though, is almost everything Bucky had ever dreamed for his soulmate to be.

Sam was beautiful, handsome in his own charming way. He had one of the kindest hearts Bucky has ever know, was soft and sweet to all, but strong around all his edges, sharp when he needed to be. They joked and teased each other, making jabs and taunts more often than not. Sam was never afraid to tell Bucky to stop being an asshole, or to give him a punch in the arm when Bucky got a little too close to killing someone he wasn’t supposed to on a mission.

Sam was... everything and it sort of scared Bucky a little.

Somewhere, out there, on Earth, in Space, in Heaven or Hell, was his soulmate, the person Bucky had yearned and longed for all his life. The person he fought for, the person who got him through his hardest times. And here Bucky was, falling head over heels in love with someone else.

For a bit, Bucky wondered if Sam could be his soulmate, timing lined up if he thought about it. He had met Sam when he was the Winter Soldier, so he wouldn’t have remembered the colours coming when they made eye contact. But he’s sure if they were soulmates, that Sam would’ve said something by now.

Slowly, Bucky stops hating the colours he sees, he begins to appreciate the colours that twist and turn in the sky, that paint the beautiful nature around him. They still seem a bit too dull for him, but he was learning to appreciate them for what they were.

He particularly loved the red hues in Sam’s skin, the beautiful brown of his eyes, the shining silver of his armour, the dark blue of his favourite shirts. Everything about Sam seemed so much more bright than the rest of the world.

Bucky didn’t know how to turn this off, this feeling that had begun to ignite itself in his chest because it was beginning to burn through his entire body every time Sam so much as looked at him.

It wouldn’t be so bad if Bucky knew anything about how Sam felt about romance. If he was a die hard soulmate guy like Bucky thought he was, if he couldn’t care less, if he had met his soulmate, if he was even into guys or whatever. But Sam never talks about any of that stuff, and Bucky never had any clue how to bring it up.

Thankfully, a few weeks after Bucky’s whole being in love with Sam problems start to become unbearable, AJ starts the conversation for him.

Sam and Bucky are helping Sarah with a boat again. It’s a new one that someone had given to her to fix up and use, and she had batted her eyes at her brother, begging him to fix it like he did the other, and Sam was nothing if not a family man and had given in before she could even try to bribe him. 

They’re taking a short break now, Sam talking idly with one of the neighbours that stopped by while Bucky sits on the dock, drinking a beer and admiring the sunset.

AJ walks over, catching him watching and lights up.

“Omigosh, can you see colours?” AJ asked and Bucky turns to him, catching the way Sam immediately turns to tune into the conversation.

“Uh, yeah, I can.” Bucky said and AJ sits next to him, excited which was a whole new attitude for the younger boy who normally acted like he couldn’t care less about anything. 

“You’ve met your soulmate? What are they like? Are they cool? Are you dating? Oh no, were they from the 40s, are they dead now?” AJ asked at rapid speed and Bucky laughed at him, shaking his head.

“I’ve met my soulmate, yeah. But I don’t know who they are kid, met ‘em when I was that other guy,” Bucky explained and AJ frowned a little, but was still bouncing with energy and even more questions. “I’d love to know who they are though. I’d dreamed of meeting them for my whole life. Was kind of disappointed when I woke up and realised.”

“That sucks,” AJ said with zero sympathy and smiled again. “Have you tried finding them? Are you one of those old guys who will only ever date their soulmate? Or are you woke and would date whoever? Can you even date, you work all the time?”

Bucky laughed again and shook his head with a smile, always happy whenever the kids gave Bucky their full attention. Despite it being a sensitive conversation for him, Bucky answered away.

“I’d like to meet my soulmate, I really would. I used to dream about them when I was in the war, you know? I don’t know if you’ve ever been to the museum but at some point I got kidnapped and almost gave up. But thinking of them still out there made me fight to get free. I don’t know if they’re even alive though, so I’m not sure I’d ever be able to find them. I think I’d be open to dating people who weren’t them though.” Bucky says, in lieu of telling AJ he was deep in love with his Uncle.

“Makes sense.” AJ said and nodded. “There’s this girl in my class who’s super shy. I’m pretty sure she’s my soulmate cause we’ve never made eye contact before and she-” 

As AJ rambles on about the girl in his class, Bucky sneaks a look at Sam, who’s still talking to his neighbour, but now with a small frown and contemplative look, and Bucky wonders what he possibly said to make Sam look like that.

Bucky thinks that that’s it, end of soulmate conversation, until later, when Sarah’s put the kids to bed and is in her room watching a movie, that Sam brings it up again.

“Earlier,” Sam said and Bucky turned to him, taking his eyes away from the news channel that was reporting on something or other. “You were talking about your soulmate.”

Bucky feels a little flustered about talking about it with Sam, but he nods, clearing his throat a little.

“Yeah, AJ caught me looking at the sunset and put two and two together.” Bucky said and Sam hummed.

“You said you used to dream about them, what did you mean by that?” Sam focused on the tv, not turning to look at Bucky as he shrugged.

“Steve used to make fun of me for it, but I was one of those kids who couldn’t wait to meet their soulmate. I was determined to meet them and love them no matter what. Because if they’re destined for me, obviously I’d love them, you know?” Bucky explained. “Pretty much everything I did, I did for them, even though I hadn’t met them yet. I even joined the war just to help fight and protect the world so they would be safe. When I was held hostage, I almost... gave up.

“They were testing me then, preparing me for the super serum and shit, and it was torture back then and I wanted to give up, but then I remembered they were still out there and kept fighting. Even when I thought I was dying, I thought about them. I hoped the universe would give them a new soulmate because they deserved to see colours. 

“Then I got brainwashed and when I woke up I could see colours. It... It really sucked, you know. I mean, I had fantasised about meeting them forever, but HYDRA took that from me.” Bucky explained and sighed heavily. “Now I don’t know. I want to still meet them, I still love them even if I don’t know who they are. But I have no idea how I’d even find them, so I’ve been sort of trying to move on.”

Sam is silent for a very long moment, taking a sip from his own beer and still keeping his eyes locked on the television.

Bucky gently nudges Sam with his knee, giving him a strange look. “Why the sudden interest in my soulmate anyway? You’ve never asked stuff like that before.”

Sam shrugged. “I guess AJ got me thinking about it. I didn’t know you even cared about soulmate shit until now.”

Bucky chuckled. “Steve used to make fun of me, call me a hopeless romantic for it. I’d ask old couples all the time about what it was like meeting for the first time.”

Sam smiles a little at that. “You? A romantic? I can’t even imagine.”

“Hey now, I’m a huge romantic.” Bucky insisted. “Just haven’t had any chance to really show it off, you know?” 

Sam nods in understanding and silence falls over them for a bit as Bucky works himself up to ask his own question. He clears his throat awkwardly to get Sam’s attention and the other man finally turns to look at him, brow raised.

“So what about you? You met your soulmate yet? Do you even care about that stuff?” Bucky asked and Sam sighed heavily, ducking his head.

“I mean, I do care, it’s just... complicated.” Sam explained. “Soulmates aren’t as important now, it’s more common for people to date people they’re not soul bound to, you know? It was different for me. I thought it’d be cool to meet them, but I’m not gonna let some mysterious force control who I fall for, you know?”

Bucky nods in understanding, and feels hope spread through his bones a little. If Sam doesn’t care about ending up with his soulmate, Bucky might have a chance with him. A small chance but a chance nonetheless.

“When I was in pararescue, I fell in love with someone,” Sam explained, tone serious and he swallowed thickly. “Riley and I were- We were inseparable. We loved each other a lot even though we weren’t soulmates. I trusted him more than anyone I’ve ever met, and I loved him deeper than anyone I’ve ever loved before.

“But he died, and it kind of messed me up, you know?” Sam said and he turns away completely from Bucky, rendering his face unreadable and Bucky frowns a little at that, but says nothing as Sam continues on. “So when I met my soulmate, I kind of freaked out internally. I mean, we already weren’t getting along great and stuff, so there was that on top of all the Riley shit. I couldn’t bring myself to even bring it up to him, and he never said anything, so I assumed he didn’t care about it. Turns out he.... Was colorblind or something, never even noticed I was his soulmate.”

“Damn,” Bucky said and Sam nodded a little. “Man, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Sam said. “It’s just been so long I don’t even know how to bring it up to him. It’ll feel like I’ve kept it a secret on purpose, you know?”

“I’m sure he’d understand,” Bucky said, even though his heart is twisting and churning in his chest. Sam sounds interested in said soulmate. Interested in maybe dating him, and Bucky is trying to choke down any sadness or jealousy slipping into his throat.

“I dunno,” Sam said and sighed heavily. “I don’t want to be with someone just ‘cause something says I should, but I think I might feel something for him despite it. I’m just not sure if he’d feel the same because it’s me or because some unknown power told him he should.” 

“Would probably help to try and start a conversation with him about it,” Bucky said and tried not to let his jealousy slip into his voice. He shrugs nonchalantly and turns away. “It’s unfair to assume anything without getting to know how he feels about it.”

Sam moves and stares at Bucky for a long time and it’s Bucky’s turn to look away and stare at the television.

They don’t talk about soulmates or anything for a bit and Bucky sort of draws back away from Sam after the conversation. 

It’s unfair of Bucky to be so... affectionate with Sam if he feels something for someone else. If he’s fated for another person who might love Sam back.

It hurts, it really does, but Bucky’s not going to force himself on Sam, won’t force the other to try and reciprocate his emotions out of some obligation.

His chest turns when he thinks about it, that fire of desire that burned through his body starts to hurt, starts to scorch his insides and it makes him feel sick.

It feels like the harder he tries to shut off his feelings for Sam, the stronger they grow, and the more it hurts.

Bucky wonders who Sam’s soulmate could be. Sam said he knew but they didn’t and that he might feel something for them.

Part of his deluded mind had the flickering thought What if it’s me? Before shaking his head and being rid of that thought. He loved Sam, he did, but there’s no way he’d ever get that lucky. Sam’s too perfect for the universe to shackle him permanently with Bucky.

He keeps wondering and wondering who it is as time goes by. And he keeps slowly distancing himself so that way when Sam starts dating whoever it won’t hurt as much.

They’re working on an undercover mission now, sneaking into a base that rumoredly had ties with both HYDRA and the Red Room. Sam had offered to go undercover with Bucky, but Bucky had insisted he and Yelena should obviously go together since they were closer to the case.

Despite it being an obvious choice, the other three all gave Bucky a strange look since he always insisted being Sam’s partner on any mission ever, but Bucky waved a hand in dismissal as he began to explain the plan. When he finishes, insisting Yelena was the obvious choice to go with him, he looks at Sam, who’s brows are furrowed and he looks hurt.

Whatever. It’s fine, Bucky can make up with him once he gets over the whole being in love with him problem. Right now, he really needs to start figuring out how to work with others in case Sam’s soulmate has any issues with him.

Yelena is smart though, once they’re all done discussing everything, she grabs his arm harshly and drags him to the sparring room.

He raises an eyebrow at her as she shoves him to sit on one of the benches.

“Explain.” She said, hands on her hips and Bucky’s eyebrow raised even higher. “What’s with you and Wilson?”

“There’s nothing with us .” Bucky said and Yelena scoffed, sitting down next to Bucky and giving him a disbelieving look.

“There’s always something with you. This is more serious though, did you two fight or something?” Yelena asked and Bucky shook his head.

“What? No, of course not.” Bucky said then back tracked. “Well, we always fight but it’s never anything bad. It’s nothing bad now.”

“You’re such a shit liar,” Yelena informed. “How you were HYDRA’s greatest weapon, I never know. Tell me the truth or I’ll go ask Sam about it.”

“He wouldn’t know anything anyway,” Bucky said and crosses his arms, leaning against the wall and sighing heavily. “Do you know who your soulmate is?”

Yelena chuckled humorlessly, arms crossed. “No, of course not. Red Room handled all that. Did some wack surgery that made us all see colours since we were young. Took that whole shit away from us. It’d be a distraction, you know.” 

“Yeah,” Bucky said and sighed. “I met mine when I was brainwashed. HYDRA stole my chance of ever knowing who mine was from me.”

Yelena smiled sadly and slapped a hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “The life of a fucked up assassin.” She said and then nudged him a little. “Why bring them up?”

“Me and Sam talked a few weeks ago about soulmates. I don’t know who mine is, but I wanted to know about Sam’s.” Bucky explained and Yelena nodded. “Sam knows who his soulmate is and he seemed interested, like romantically. He said he was gonna talk to him about it or whatever, and I just- I dunno.”

“You got jealous.” Yelena concluded and Bucky flushed a little, but he knows better than to try and deny it. Yelena was smart, smarter than probably the three of them combined. No amount of lying or evading the truth would save him. “Maybe you’re his soulmate, did you consider that?”

“I did,” Bucky admitted. “But he’s too perfect . The universe would never do that to him, shack him with me. But I had hoped that maybe he wasn’t all into that soulmate stuff. That maybe I could... I dunno, ask him out and we could date.”

“You still could,” Yelena informed. “Sam’s feelings for this unnamed soulmate could be fleeting. He trusts you, you know. And he cares for you. Probably loves you, I wouldn’t know.”

“I don’t want to make him feel like he has to date me though,” Bucky said. “I mean, the poor dude already feels obligated to help me through every single nightmare I ever have, if he doesn’t feel the same, I’m worried he’d still go for it, just to spare my feelings.”

“Sam cares for you and would do a lot to make you happy, but he’s also his own person. Independent. He wouldn’t sacrifice his own happiness or anything just because he’d feel bad rejecting you,” Yelena decided. “He’s not some weak pushover. If he didn’t feel the same, he’d tell you. And if he does decide to date you, it’d be because he wanted to.”

Bucky sighed heavily. “I know that logically ,” Bucky explained. “But I just... I’m worried. And what if his soulmate is like, perfect for him? Better than I could ever be for him? I don’t want to take that from him.”

“His soulmate could be the most perfect fucking human alive and Sam could still choose you,” Yelena said. “My point is, don’t take away that chance for Sam to choose .”

“Ugh,” Bucky groaned and glared at her. “I hate how much sense you make.”

“It’s cause I don’t waste my time worrying about stupid shit,” Yelena said and stood. “Now get up and spar me. I want to break my record.”

Bucky thinks a lot about what Yelena said for the next week.

As much as he hates to admit it, she’s right. It’s not fair of Bucky to just decide he’s the worst possible choice for Sam. Granted, he has no idea if Sam even feels anything for him outside of friendship, but Bucky isn’t going to just quit. 

He stops avoiding Sam and pulling back after a few more days of thinking, and Sam immediately notices, he can tell he does because one morning when Bucky is making coffee, he hands Sam his own, already made cup wordlessly and Sam smiles, shoulders relaxing instantly. Bucky feels a little guilty when he sees it, realises how much Sam had hated Bucky distancing himself, and silently vows to himself to never do that again.

And time passes again. Bucky is still working on the internal mess going on in his body that he calls feelings, but he thinks he’s finally getting to a point where he might talk to Sam about it all.

Until he catches Torres and Sam talking in hushed voices in private one day.

They’re in the shop, previously having worked on Joaquin’s own Falcon wings, but the wings lay on the table, abandoned as Sam and him sit on a low hanging beam. 

They’re close to each other, heads ducked low as they talk quietly to each other. Sam’s hand is on Torres’ knee and he squeezes it and Torres’ face lights up.

Bucky turns away as quickly and quietly as he can as realisation washes over him.

Joaquin is Sam’s soulmate. Obviously. It all made a whole bunch of fucking sense the more he thought about it.

How close they were, the way Joaquin had always admired Sam, the way Sam trusted him despite just waltzing into his life out of nowhere.

Bucky feels sick to his fucking stomach. He thought he would be able to handle it, handle seeing Sam with his soulmate, with someone else, but it hurts so much more than he ever could have even dared to imagine.

He walks out of their base and down the street and he has no idea where the fuck he’s going but he just needs to get away from there. Get time to fucking think and clear his mind and figure our how he’ll ever be able to look Sam in the eyes again.

Bucky also tries not to think about the fact he’d have to see Torres and Sam everyday. All the fucking time. 

There’s the rational part of his brain that tells him that it’s not what he thinks, that Torres is too young to be Sam’s soulmate, that the stories don’t line up, but the insecure part of his brain that loves jumping to conclusions drowns out the logical points and screams at him that he’ll be a miserable fuck for the rest of his life.

There’s so much emotions swirling in his chest, heartbreak, self hatred, confusion, anger, jealousy, betrayal, self loathing, self pitying, self deprecation and he felt like he was going to just goddamn explode.

He waits until he’s far away enough from anyone before letting out a low, guttural screaming and turning to punch the nearest tree with all the emotions that swirl and swirl inside of him, twisting and turning into a violent tornado.

The tree snaps in half and falls to the side. It’s a goddamn great thing their base is in a remote location so the tree just falls back onto an empty field. 

Bucky screams again and kicks at the fractured stump and then immediately feels everything drain out of him and he sinks to the ground, ducking his head on his knees.

He doesn’t know exactly how long he stays there, breath shuddering as he cycles through every self soothing method Dr. Raynor taught him, but it’s long enough for the others to realise he’s gone.

His phone and radio both go off several times but he ignores them both, and at some point the others realise he’s not picking up and his locator pings. He rips it off his vest and chucks it a few feet away from him angrily. The others will know he’s not in any immediate danger once the locate him, but he really doesn’t want anyone coming to him and bugging him.

He doesn’t want Sam, the object of his issues, coming up and bugging him about what’s wrong. Because Bucky can’t tell him, not now, not after this.

And he definitely doesn’t want Yelena coming and bugging him about this, trying to be all analytical and reading him like a book and telling him everything will be fine because it won’t.

So of course, the universe hears him and sends him Joaquin.

“Uh...” Joaquin says, stepping over to Bucky and the soldier curses under his breath. “Did you kill a tree?”

“What do you want?”Bucky asked, voice sharp and angry and Joaquin raised an eyebrow at him. Maybe a year ago he would’ve jumped back, intimidated by Bucky’s behaviour, but they’ve been working together for ages now and Bucky’s harsh exterior has stopped scarring Joaquin. 

“Dude, what’s wrong?” Joaquin asked, crouching next to him. “Did you have, like, an episode or something?”

“Leave me alone .” Bucky forced out through gritted teeth and Joaquin sucked at his teeth.

“Sorry, legally can’t.” Joaquin explained and Bucky knows that. Knows that most people in Bucky’s life have been informed if it looks like Bucky’s having a hard time, the best case of action is to call the police because who fucking knows if he’s turning into the goddamn Winter Soldier again or having a PTSD flashback so bad he’ll kill someone cause of it. But it doesn’t mean Bucky has to like it. 

“Go back to Sam or whatever, I’m fine .” Bucky insisted and Joaquin crossed his legs, inhaling slowly and shrugging at Bucky.

“Sam’s about fifteen minutes out, you messed up your locator or something so we weren’t sure on your exact location. Yelena is still at the base in case you come back. So we either wait for Sam to come to us, or we head back.” Joaquin explained and Bucky finally lifts his head and glares at him. “Or this can all be done and over with if you just tell me what the hell is going on.”

Bucky doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to talk about it, but he also knows that it’s probably the best course of action to get this sorted out as quick as possible.

“What were you and Sam talking about?” Bucky asked and Joaquin raised an eyebrow.

“Personal stuff, why?” Joaquin asked, cheeks flushed a little and Bucky’s stomach turned.

“Soulmate stuff?” Bucky asked and Joaquin turns away, no longer facing Bucky so the other can’t read his expression. But the aversion answers Bucky’s question enough. 

He wants to vomit.

“It’s not what you think,” Joaquin said, already catching where Bucky was going with this. “Yelena said you had a knack for jumping to conclusions but this is crazy.”

“I haven’t even said anything.” Bucky grumbled and Joaquin snorted.

“You think we’re soulmates. We’re not.” Joaquin informed and Bucky frowns, looking at him but Joaquin still looks away. “He was actually asking me for help about his.”

“Why would he ask you for help?” And not me? Bucky leaves unsaid, but Joaquin clearly hears it regardless.

“You’re not exactly the right person to get advice from about this.” Joaquin informed and Bucky scoffed, sitting upright correctly now. 

“Why not? I’m his best friend. He trusts me with his life in battle, why wouldn’t he trust me with this?” Bucky asked and Joaquin rolled his eyes, facing Bucky now.

“It’s not that he doesn’t trust you.” Joaquin explained. “And he didn’t come to me for advice, I started the conversation about soulmates and he just naturally segued into talking about his own.”

Bucky grumbles and pickles at the grass growing on the ground. He feels a little ashamed and embarrassed now for getting so heated about something that was obviously, obviously nothing to begin with. 

Silence passes over them for a bit as Bucky tries again to calm the fuck down and Joaquin sits with him the whole time, not rushing him or even calling Sam to let the other know where they are. Bucky forgets sometimes that Joaquin is a good kid, that he trusts him too, that they’re friends too. 

“Are you good now?” Joaquin asked once Bucky had sat straight, breathing normal and Bucky gave him an unimpressed glare. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Joaquin stands up now and turns his own locator on, stretching his limbs out.

“For the record, you should talk to Sam about the whole soulmate nonsense.” Joaquin said and Bucky scoffed, standing up too as they waited for Sam. 

“We’ve talked about soulmates before,” Bucky informed and Joaquin squinted a little at him.

“Talk to him about it again,” Joaquin said, sort of cryptically as Sam comes into view, dropping from the sky with his wings. 

He rushes up to Bucky and grabs his shoulders, giving him a once over and making sure he’s okay.

“What happened? Did-” Sam looks behind Bucky and frowns. “Did you murder a tree?”

“Enough about the tree!” Bucky shouted. “I’m fine now, I just needed to punch it out.”

“And you chose a tree to punch it out on?” Sam said teasingly. “What did Mother Nature ever do to you?”

Despite Joaquin’s insistence to talk about soulmates, Bucky doesn’t bring it up to Sam, and Bucky has to re-mentally psych himself up to try and confess to Sam after his mini-breakdown.

He never gets a chance to bring it up first though because two weeks after the Tree Murder, Sam comes into his bedroom and asks to talk.

Bucky’s heart immediately starts to race because he had zero idea what this talk could be about.

He doesn’t even think about anything soulmate related. He’s worried Sam found out some old HYDRA mission or something that’s making him rethink living with Bucky.

Regardless of the anxiety eating away Bucky’s insides, Bucky agrees and meets Sam in the living room.

Sam’s leg is bouncing nervously and he looks up at Bucky.

“I’m in love with you,” Sam says before Bucky can sit down and he freezes, half crouched over the couch to sit as he registers the words. 

Then he sort of falls backwards incredulously and points at himself, dumbfounded.

“Me?” Bucky asked, brows raised high and Sam scoffed.

“Don’t sound so surprised.” Sam said and Bucky gaped at him.

“ You’re in love with me? ” Bucky asked and Sam nodded.

Silence passes between them as everything Bucky had been thinking about and worrying about for months swirls in his mind in confusion.

He’d been so worried to talk to Sam, to even ask if this was a possibility. Fearing Sam didn’t feel the same, fearing it might change things, fearing Sam wouldn’t want him because they’re not soulmates, fearing everything and now it’s all been for nothing because Sam loves him.

And he doesn’t know what to say, how to properly express that Bucky loves Sam back, that he’s head over heels, that his heart stops everytime Sam gets hurt, that his heart skips a beat everytime Sam smiles, that he feels a little crazy when they got too close sometimes, that he feels insane just being allowed in Sam’s life.

Nothing he wants to say wants to form into a proper sentence so instead he says:

“ Why? ” 

Sam looks dumbfounded and blinks.

“Why?” He repeated and well Bucky did ask that so he doubled down.

“Why would you fall in love with me? Is there something wrong with your head?” Bucky asked and reached forward, holding Sam’s face gently in his hands and turning his head a little, as if to inspect his brain that's very much hidden inside his head. “Did someone brainwash you? Are you a hologram? Quick, tell me something only Sam would know.”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Sam informed and Bucky nodded.

“Hologram test passed.” Bucky said very seriously and Sam glares at him. “Not sure on the brainwashing...”

“Bucky,” Sam grabs his wrists, holding his hands in place on his cheeks and his eyes stare deeply and intensely into Bucky’s soul. “I love you. I love you because I trust you. Because you’ve always got my back. Because you’re an absolute asshole, but you still fight everyday for everyone else. Because despite all that you’ve been through, you choose to be good. Because you’ve been here for me. I love you, because I just do.”

Bucky stares into his eyes back, feeling a little at a standstill and Sam is silent for a long moment until Bucky realises he hasn’t really said anything back.

“I love you too.” He informed and something in Sam’s face settles calmly. He relaxes at the confession, but less out of fear Bucky wouldn’t return the feelings and more out of... something else Bucky can’t pin down yet. “Just for the record.”

“Why?” Sam asked, grinned with a mocking tone and Bucky rolled his eyes.

“Because you’re Sam freaking Wilson.” Bucky said. “You look out for the little guy. You’ve got the kindest heart I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. You’re soft and sweet but also a bit of an asshole. You hold back in a fight when needed and let go if you can. You’re always asking for advice, to help improve even when you’re doing the best you possibly can. You’re strong, smart, and resilient. Despite all the shit you’ve been through you-”

“Stop or I’ll cry at you,” Sam threatened, and despite his tone coming off as joking, the glistening of his eyes revealed the threat would hold if Bucky continued praising him. “I got the point, okay?”

“Okay,” Bucky agreed and then frowned. “I thought you- Don’t you have a soulmate? You mentioned that- That you felt something for him? That was the entire reason I never said anything first.”

Sam pulls out of Bucky’s hands now, looking away and swallowing thickly.

“I do have a soulmate,” Sam said and inhaled slowly. “And I feel a lot for him.”

Bucky frowns deeply now. “Then what’s- What is this, Sam? Testing out your options to see if your soulmate’s worth it or not? That’s shitty.”

“No, that’s not it,” Sam rests his head in his hands. “I don’t know how to explain it to you.”

“Well try,” Bucky said, starting to frown. “Cause if this is some sort of rebound thing I don’t-” “It’s not.” Sam insisted. “Bucky- You’re my soulmate.”

Bucky feels the world stop, his ears start ringing and he feels a hundred pounds heavier.

His ears rumble, his eyes burn, his hands clench and unclench into fists as he processes Sam’s words.

Soulmate.

Bucky is Sam’s soulmate and he-

Sam never told him.

Even after Bucky had told him how much meeting his soulmate would have meant to him. Even after Bucky cracked open his heart and laid it out on a table for Sam to poke at. Even after Bucky told Sam about how the only reason Bucky had ever even fought for his right to live was because of his soulmate.

Even after all that, Sam hadn’t told him.

“What?” Bucky asked, tongue feeling like lead in his mouth and Sam inhaled slowly, shakily as he gathered strength.

“We’re soulmates.” Sam said. “When you weren’t... you , you attacked me, Steve and Nat. We made eye contact halfway through the fight and that’s when it happened.

“I was scared out of my fucking mind man. A psycho serial killer was my soulmate. At the time we didn’t know anything about what was going on and all I worried about was what did that say about me that the Winter Soldier was my soulmate?

“Then you got all unbrainwashed, but I didn’t really understand it yet. I didn’t trust that you weren’t just going to snap and attack one of us again. I was scared out of my fucking mind man and I hadn’t even cared about my soulmate then. And I lashed out a little okay? I was still hurting from Riley’s passing even years later. Finding at that you had been my soulmate was almost like salt in the wounds. I didn’t know you , Steve knew you. In my mind it had made more sense for you and Steve to be soulmates than it did us. And I was mad at the universe that it had chosen you over Riley.

“We slowly got to know each other more though and I started to realise why we were soulmates. And I wanted to talk to you about it because I didn’t even know if you knew or anything, but then goddamn Thanos happened and we got a little preoccupied with that.

“And then after that we got so close. I trust you with my life and you trusted me with yours and I was in too deep and it was too late to bring it up. It felt like I’d be blindsiding you by bringing it up out of nowhere one day, so I just... I never mentioned it.

“Then when you started talking about your soulmate and how you used to- To dream of them, I got a little freaked out. I was worried if I told you, that you’d only want to be with me because you had been in love with your soulmate decades before you ever knew them. I needed to know that what you felt was- Was real . You loved me because I was me. Not just because I was your soulmate. And then I didn’t know how to bring it up again .”

Once Sam finishes explaining his piece, he turns and looks at Bucky, who stares hard at his knees.

It’s silent again, you could hear a pin drop (or their neighbour who was singing way too loudly for a Thursday night) as Bucky thinks and processes everything Sam told him.

Part of him wants to be mad that Sam hid it for so long, even after finding out about how long Bucky had long to meet his soulmate, heard him lament over how it was part of him that HYDRA had stolen, angst over the fact he might not ever know who they were.

But the rest of him is honestly just so goddamn fucking happy that Sam is his soulmate.

“Okay,” Bucky said and Sam leaned a little closer like he hadn’t properly heard him.

“Okay?” He repeated, soft and Bucky sighed.

“Okay,” Bucky said. “I understand. I’m a little upset, and I think I deserve to be, but I understand.”

Sam relaxes completely now and nods. “It’s okay to be upset,” Sam said and Bucky scoffed.

“I know it is,” He informed proudly and sat up straight. “Dr. Raynor has told me a million times it’s okay to get angry about things. And I think once I’m not so fucking happy you love me back that I might get properly mad about it, but right now, I’m just upset. I think I’ll get over it eventually.”

Sam hesitantly reaches a hand out, palm facing upwards to Hold Bucky’s hand.

Bucky turns and looked at him, looked to his left because that was the side Sam was sitting on. The side with his killing machine of an arm, with hands that have crushed hundreds of men’s heads, and yet, Sam smiles openly at him, reaching out for that hand and Bucky’s insides melt as he reaches over and interlocks their fingers together.

“What now?” Bucky asked and Sam chuckled.

“I dunno how things worked in the 40’s, but typically after confessing our deep love for each other, people start to date each other.” Sam said and Bucky swallowed thickly.

“If we do, I’m in it for the long run,” Bucky explained and Sam squeezed his hand a little. “This isn’t just some fleeting romance for me. I don’t do things half assed either. I’ll be here for the rest of your pathetic life.”

Sam rolled his eyes with a grin and gently bumps their shoulders against each other.

“Well good, because I’m in it for the long run too.” Sam said. “Every bad and good day, I’m here Buck. I’m not leaving anytime soon.”

Bucky wants to choke almost with how hard his heart is beating.

Sam loves him. Sam loves him, all of him. The good, the bad and the ugly. Sam loves him and is in this for the long run.

Sam is his soulmate.

Bucky squeezes his hand a little harder than he meant to but Sam remains unphased from it. 

“I’m not going to be easy,” Bucky warned. “It’s been- decades since I’ve even been in a relationship. I’ve got years of trauma swirling in my brain. I’m gonna be a real shitty boyfriend some days.”

“Hey, so will I.” Sam said. “You’re not the only one haunted by your past.”

They both squeeze each other’s hand in unison.

“I’ll scream awake sometimes. Get mad and punch things when it gets too much. I’ll break down and cry like a toddler other times.” Bucky said and Sam rolled his eyes.

“There’s no convincing yourself out of this,” Sam said. “I knew what I was getting into when I fell in love with you. And I’d rather take you murdering some trees than bottling up all your emotions.”

“Stop bringing up the tree,” Bucky said, laughing a little and Sam’s smile turned warmer. “Okay, I get it. You’re here.”

“I’m here.” Sam said and Bucky leans against him a little, their thighs flushed against each other, biceps pressed snug together and Sam is so so warm Bucky never wants to leave his side. “Can I kiss you?”

Bucky’s head snaps up to meet Sam’s eyes, which are staring deep into his own. 

Sam’s eyes are gentle, the soft brown shining so bright as they lock with Bucky’s. There’s flakes of gold that come from the centre of his iris, illuminating the red tint brown that mixes with a deep, darker brown. The rings of Sam’s irises are almost black, a stark contrast to the light interior and they stand out, making him look almost like a piece of art.

“Yes,” Bucky said softly and Sam’s hand comes up to rest along Bucky’s jaw, thumb gently rubbing along the stubble of his cheeks as Sam gently manoeuvres Bucky’s mouth to his.

Bucky closes his eyes, sighing into Sam’s lips as they press against his.

The kiss isn’t long, nor is it rushed. It’s not chaste but it’s not messy either. It’s somewhere perfectly in the middle and Bucky wishes to live in the spot forever as he and Sam pull apart from each other.

The sun is setting outside, shining through the window and illuminating the room with a smattering of colours.

It’s orange and pink, the sky’s still tinged blue. The colours twist and turn into their own unique painting, brushing Sam and Bucky’s skin with blinding light, dragging them into the beautiful painting.

Sam’s skin glows gold while Bucky’s shines pink, skin holding onto each other as they sit on the couch, trapped in this moment.

As Bucky looks around the room, as he looks at Sam, as he looks at his soulmate he finally decides that maybe colours aren’t so dull afterwards.