Chapter Text
John hates himself. He has for a long time. Maybe it started after the flag smashers, after he lost the captain America title. After his alpha left him and took his pup. But John knows it’s none of that. It all started when he was 14 and had his first heat. He was an omega. Weak and disgusting. He saw the disappointment in his father's eyes and John began to hate.
Bob hates himself. He always has. It’s very easy to believe you're useless when you have a father say it to you constantly, never mind the embodiment of depression breathing down your neck. Bob was an alpha. He was supposed to be strong and ruthless and demanding. He was none of those things. He saw the disgust in his father's eyes and he began to hate.
It had been two months since the fiasco with the void. John hadn’t been on a team in a long time but he knew how to be on one. He was in the military for goodness sake. Doesn’t mean he liked it. Everyone here was crazy. John felt like the only normal one and like everyone hated him. Which was nothing new. He wasn’t the only omega which you’d think would cause some camaraderie between them except the other omega was no other than Bucky Barnes who made it obvious he had little to no respect for John.
It’s not like things weren’t getting easier. John was just beginning to settle in. He had his own room that he decorated how he liked. It was cozy and he had an actual nest! Though he wouldn’t admit that’s what it is. It’s just a very comfortable space with lots of blankets and pillows and his scent and a random blanket he found in the common area that smelled like home. John was actually starting to enjoy his time here. Hey at least he had a place to stay where he didn’t have to pay for anything. He gladly used up Valentina’s money getting fancier shit than he ever needed or even wanted.
So yeah things were kinda going good. It didn’t bother him that no one even liked him or tried to really be near him…except for Bob. Bob who was so kind it disgusted him. Bob who even when John was a complete dick still treated John like he was worth something. John hated him. Hated his soft smile and ruffled hair. The fact he wore too big clothes to seem smaller. The way he always made sure John was taken care of. What was the guy's motive? Surely no one was that…that good.
Currently John was in the gym. He liked this spot the best. Workout until he hurts and than continue on with his day feeling lighter. Pain grounded him. He needed it.
Like usual after his workout he headed to the massive kitchen to grab water. Bob is nearby reading and when he spots John he waves with a goofy grin. John ignores him. For some reason that never works. He’s starting to think Bob doesn’t understand that ignoring someone doesn’t mean coming up and talking to them.
“Hey” Bob says sweetly. “Working out again?” It’s an attempt to make conversation. A very bad one. John scoffs.
“What gave it away?” He snaps and bob to John’s dismay doesn’t flinch at his harsh tone like he used to. He keeps smiling like he expected John to be an ass. Which he probably should.
“You were down there for hours. Rest of the team is out. Team bonding” Bob explains when he notices John looking around. John’s brows furrow. He feels kinda hurt.
“They didn’t mention it to me.” Bob shrugs.
“They didn’t think you’d be interested” which maybe he wasn’t but that doesn’t mean he didn’t want to be invited. Feel wanted.
“I’m not” wait why was Bob still here? “You didn’t go with them?”
Bob shrugs with a sheepish grin. Why the fuck was he looking at him like that? John decided he didn’t care and instead pushed past Bob to go to take a shower. He was sweaty and honestly wanted to just be away from the enigma that is Bob.
John likes his shower hot enough to boil him alive. If he doesn't come out looking like he might be sunburnt he honestly doesn’t want the shower. Thank God the water here was just as he needed it. And the water pressure. Don’t even get him started on the water pressure. John washes himself quickly and efficiently. He tries to do all things like that and honestly he knows if he lets himself go slower he’ll somehow become horny and he honestly isn’t in the mood even if his body always seems to be. Being an omega with super soldier serum has him producing slick like crazy and the need to be filled almost constantly. Another reason he hates himself. John thinks he should make a list. The therapist Bucky has forced the group to see says John should keep a journal. John also hates therapy.
John leaves the shower and dries himself. Dresses in his pajamas and lays in bed. Time for his favorite activity. Doom scrolling.
It’s the middle of the night and John has re-read every article about himself when there’s a knock on his door. It’s rapid and annoyed. Yelena.
“You smell like shit. Calm down or leave you’re upsetting Ava” that last part John doesn’t believe. He struggles to imagine the beta upset with his scent most likely just Yelena being an overprotective alpha. Even if yelena wouldn’t admit she liked the beta.
“Fuck off belova”
“Don’t make me go in there” John thinks it over. He wouldn’t mind a fight right now he decides with a shrug. He opens his mouth to say something he knows he shouldn’t when he can hear Bob calming Yelena down on the other side. Yelena leaves and there’s another knock. It’s calmer and almost timid.
“John?” Bob calls out softly.
“What” silence for a moment and than the door creaking open. John sneers, he doesn’t want this.
Bob enters slowly with a small smile. “Everyone just can’t help but notice your…scent” John doesn’t react. Doesn’t flinch even though his entire body and soul is disgusted by the reminder that his scent is the way it is. Bob just sighs, his smile more strained.
“We’re here for you if you need anything John. That’s why we’re a team.”
And with that he leaves him alone.
John stares at the ceiling and he hates himself. And the world until the sun rises.