Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Things aren’t perfect, but they’re getting better. Slowly, but surely, things are getting better. 

To Pepa, that’s a positive way of looking at things (she’s trying to be positive, even when it’s hard), although what happened mere weeks ago still haunts her nightmares on a regular basis. That’s when she manages to fall asleep; sleep is harder to come by at the moment. Her insomnia and anxiety have really teamed up, with the sole purpose of messing with her. The less sleep she gets, the more anxious she feels, and the more anxious she feels, the harder it is to sleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

The image of Josefa choking plagues her subconscious, and the guilt eats her alive when she remembers what happened. It had truly been one of the most terrifying days of Pepa’s life. 

Almost a month later, thinking about it still fills her with dread. She tries not to think about it too much (which is way easier said than done); it’s already happened, and she can’t change it. However, that doesn’t mean that she can become complacent. It’s complacency that caused a lot of this in the first place. She and Agustín had really let things slip, with disastrous consequences. As a result, Maria has lost trust for them almost completely. It hurts Pepa immensely, and she knows it hurts Agustín too, but it’s understandable. What had happened hadn’t been a simple, easily overlooked mistake.

All she and Agustín can do is continue to move forward and prove to Maria that they can be relied upon. It’s going to take time and effort, but Pepa hopes that they’ll get there eventually.

And if everything had been frightening for Pepa, then it’s a hundred times worse for Maria. Maria, who had to step in and save Josefa’s life because for whatever reason, Pepa and Agustín froze.

That’s one of the hardest things for Pepa to get her head around, and it’s not something that she’ll be able to forgive herself for easily. She and Agustín had been in charge of the triplets and Josefa for those few minutes, and in those few minutes, the triplets had made an error of judgement that could have killed Josefa.

It would have if Maria had not stepped in. 

It’s not their fault; Pepa and Agustín had failed to educate them on the basics, and it was an oversight that had led to near deadly consequences. Not only that, but because they’d panicked upon seeing Josefa choke, it had been up to Maria to take action and save her baby’s life. That’s a lot for any mother, let alone one who is just sixteen. Many people couldn’t handle a crisis such as this. It was pure luck that she could, all things considered, or things wouldn’t have ended as well as they did. And it obviously hadn’t been fair to her to have to step in when no one else had been able to help her along the way.

She’d had to be the adult in a horrible situation, when she had not just one, but two parents she was supposed to be able to rely on. Who were supposed to help her during such stressful moments to make things safer. She and Agustín have plenty of parenting (and in Agustín’s case, midwifery) experience, so they should have known what to do and done it instantly, putting their own panic aside and putting Josefa first. For reasons unbeknownst to either of them (they’ve talked about it over and over, and they still don’t know) that hadn’t happened. 

Naturally, Maria had been furious. Not only furious, but terrified. Those are both feelings that had been absolutely valid for Maria to feel. This had not been like one of Maria’s past outbursts; where she’d yelled and screamed for hardly any reason at all. This was way different from her not being allowed to go to a party or because she didn’t get enough gifts on her birthday; Maria’s child could have lost her life that day. She’d trusted her parents and siblings to care for her daughter so she could do something as normal as go to the bathroom. 

She absolutely should not have had to return to see her child choking. Of course, her trust had been wounded and trust is a very fragile thing. Perhaps even more so in the case of Maria and her parents; it’s no secret that they’ve not always had the best relationship. The relationship they had only really began to blossom when Maria fell pregnant with Josefa, after all. Something like this is bound to cause damage when the foundations of trust were already somewhat weak. Pepa doesn’t blame her.

It’s like all of the hard work and bonding for months had been undone, and that’s a very hurtful thing for Pepa. She would never break Maria’s trust on purpose, but she has to accept that even though it was by accident, Maria’s trust had been damaged and she and Agustín are responsible for earning it back.

Maria’s trust is something that Pepa and Agustín really had to regain, and they’ve been working on rebuilding it ever since, every single day.

All things considered, things aren’t going too badly. 

Pepa considers herself quite lucky that things are improving little by little. Maria is clearly still anxious about not having Josefa with her, but she’s asking for help from her parents again. Only with little things, and only while Maria is in the room, but it’s a step in the right direction in terms of rebuilding trust. Especially with everything considered around it.

Not perfect, but there’s more progress than Pepa expected there to be at this stage. They’re allowed in the same room under supervision, for a start.

Honestly, it’s a minor miracle that Maria will even let Pepa hold Josefa. She hadn’t for a few days afterwards. The only one who had been allowed to was Alma, and that was only for a couple of seconds at most once Maria had recovered. Pepa is grateful for any progress, no matter how small. She adores Josefa and wants to be a part of her life. She doesn’t want this to be the end of her relationship with her granddaughter.

Josefa appears to be fine in herself now; she’s returned to her normal, happy self. For a few days after the incident, she seemed more timid and clingy. That’s to be expected. But right now, she’s sitting happily in Pepa’s lap, babbling to herself as she shakes her favourite toy rattle in her hand. 

Maria is trying to draw, but she keeps looking up every few seconds. She hasn’t gotten very far. She’s only able to focus on Josefa.

At this moment, Pepa is more concerned for Maria than she is for Josefa. For a few days after Josefa choked, Maria was angry and hostile. She barely spoke to anyone, and when she did speak it was only when it was absolutely necessary to do so. She was understandably angry, betrayed and clearly terrified from the whole ordeal. After a few days, she slowly seemed to get over the shock and begin to speak a little more. Still, she takes Josefa everywhere with her now, even to the bathroom.

Maria and Josefa are rarely apart, which is a possible reason as to why Maria looks so tired a lot of the time right now. Although it’s a partial reason, Pepa suspects that there’s more going on. Maria is definitely not her usual self. Well, even less usual, as of late.

She seems distant and disinterested in general. Maria cares for Josefa; she’s asking for help more than she used to, but only with little things, such as burping Josefa or changing her. Of course, Maria is always in the room and watching closely. But it’s like the smallest things are draining for her and she needs help. Of course, Pepa doesn’t mind helping. She’s grateful to even be asked, given the circumstances, but she’s concerned too.

Maria smiles at and engages with Josefa as she did before, but the smile never quite seems to reach her eyes. Maria loves Josefa, there’s no doubt about that, but Maria is definitely exhausted and feeling bad. 

Or perhaps Pepa is reading too much into things. Maybe she’s overthinking everything and seeing imaginary problems when, in reality, there aren’t any at all. She doesn’t know. She second guesses herself constantly. She does it so often that she doesn’t even realize, but it’s a constant tug too. She’s afraid of making a wrong move and another mistake with every single thing she does. Like she’s always one second away from stepping out of line and making another mistake.

She finds people hard to read in general, but Maria is one of the hardest people for her to understand. Pepa wants to, but she knows deep down that after everything, Maria probably isn’t going to open up to her again on that level for a long time. She never really did in the first place; not as much as Karina would, for example. It’s way easier with Karina; Pepa knows that with Karina, what she sees is what she gets. There’s no need to second guess or worry that something is being hidden from her. She and her eldest have always had a solid bond and there aren’t any secrets. She knows she loves her too and that there’s no secret motives, or that Karina would speak to her all things considered. They would be able to talk through anything, even more difficult topics, Pepa is sure of. It’s much easier with her, which makes the contrast to this even more uneasy to her.

For obvious reasons, things aren’t like that with Maria. Things are shaky, awkward and fragile. Every moment is full of unease and doubt, and there’s often angry sounds of voices. It’s the complete opposite in comparison to Karina. It’s often the opposite of calm.

Sure, Maria is asking for help with Josefa, but that’s about as far as things go by means of conversation. That and small talk simply when the silence gets too long. Long and uneasy, a new type of uncomfortable. Pepa had never known that silence could be so powerful, and so painful. Sometimes it’s as if she’s about to vomit from the unease in her chest that she can’t get rid of when none of them speak. As if she’s waiting for something to unleash.

Pepa has asked her if everything is okay, but Maria simply says yes and that’s the end of the conversation. It absolutely feels like something is off, and that Maria is petty or angry, and doesn’t give her the full answer.

And Pepa knows better than to push her luck when she’s already on thin ice. Maria clearly doesn’t want to talk about it with her, and she knows better than to try anyway. She’ll just escalate the situation.

Their time together involves a lot of awkward silence these days. It’s awkward, but manageable if she does her best. At least Maria isn’t outright angry anymore. At least, she doesn’t show it if she is unless Pepa does something that visibly frustrates her.

Looking at Maria now, she looks exhausted and emotionally drained. There are dark circles under her eyes, and she’s pale. Above all, she just seems to be flat and distant. With Pepa at least. 

She’s watching Pepa with Josefa, but she’s not really engaging too much. Any smiles she has are reserved for Josefa and Josefa only. When Josefa smiles and laughs in Maria’s direction (she’s having a great time, sitting on Pepa’s lap with her rattle and a full belly), Maria will smile back and give her a little wave. It’s these brief moments that make things feel temporarily less awkward. 

Because to be honest, being in the same room with Maria is awkward right now. Again, Pepa understands why and she doesn’t expect things to be back to how they were. Not for a long time. The progress they’ve made already is more than Pepa expected and the last thing she wants is to appear ungrateful.

It’s just hard for Pepa to see Maria so tired and drained and be unable to really help her; it’s understandable why she’s tired. Maria is finding it hard to trust anyone to be alone with Josefa. Karina is probably the only person she’ll allow to do so, and that’s only for a minute or so. The rest of the time, Maria has Josefa with her twenty four hours a day. Even with the extra physical help that she’s asking her parents for, that level of anxiety and needing her baby close to her is bound to be a mental drain. Maria can’t have any time to herself, and if she does, it’s not relaxing because all she does is worry. Even right now, she can’t concentrate on what she’s trying to draw because she’s constantly checking on her daughter. 

That’s how much her trust has been burned. And Pepa is so uncomfortable and in pain from seeing her daughter so drained and anxious. She doesn’t want any of her children to feel such pain and unease. She’s doing her best to shield them from such discomfort and such harsh sensations, but right now she can’t. She wants to, and she feels like a bad mother because she can’t protect Maria and help her ease the burden by helping take care of Josefa. Maria needs the ease, but she won’t accept it, and since Pepa knows exactly why, she feels worse, knowing that she’s part of the sleep deprivation and anxiety, and that she’s playing a part in what she was trying to save her children from. She can’t be the help Maria needs. 

Before Maria became a mother, anxiety wasn't a word that Pepa would associate with her daughter. Honestly, she would associate her with the opposite. Just raw emotions and anger and spite, but no anxiety in sight. No worries, even when there should be, not even for herself, just raw emotional impulses and nothing else.

But motherhood changes a lot of things. 

And of course Maria is going to be anxious after what happened, especially when she feels like she can’t trust anyone else. Josefa depends on adults, and Maria doesn’t deem anyone else safe enough around her. If no one else is there to help caring for her, no one else will if Maria doesn’t. Josefa has no one else, so Maria can’t put herself first without risking neglecting Josefa, which is clearly the last thing that she wants. She’s got no choice in constantly tending to her even when her body is about to physically give out, since no one else is safe.

That in itself makes Pepa feel guilty, because she knows that she’s partly to blame for that. 

Pepa mostly just does as she’s asked and tries not to be overbearing and too much. Maria asked her to hold Josefa for a while so she could have her hands free to draw, so that’s what Pepa is doing. She’s enjoying it, although Josefa is starting to become restless. She’s starting to move around a lot as she gets older, really testing those limbs out.

She had a good nap today, but it’s early evening and it’s at around this time that she usually becomes quite fussy. She’s not tired enough to sleep yet, but she’s growing weary and grumpy. Playing is overstimulating but she doesn’t want to be alone either. The fact that she’s teething isn’t making things any easier either.

“I’m going to take her out for a walk soon.” Maria says, and Pepa nods. 

Maria takes Josefa out for a short walk most evenings; when the weather is good, of course. Tonight, the sky is mostly clear and the temperature is nice, so the conditions for a walk are good. Josefa enjoys her evening walk (well, of course, she’s not walking, she’s being carried) and the fresh air soothes her. It’s become part of her nightly routine, and the introduction of the evening walk means that Josefa sleeps for longer at night and her quality of sleep is better. 

Pepa wishes she’d thought of that when her children were babies. She’s sure it would have made things way easier, at least when she and Agustín only had one baby at a time.

Maria puts down her sketchbook and comes and removes Josefa from Pepa’s lap, giving her baby a smile and a little kiss.

“Is it time for our walk now? Yes it is. Then when we come back, it will be time for your bath.” 

Josefa babbles in response.

Pepa smiles a little; she loves seeing Maria talk to Josefa. She gets to see the soft, motherly side of Maria; Maria talks to Josefa all the time, knowing how important it is to stimulate Josefa’s brain. Talking to her will help her language skills later on. Plus, while chatting away to her baby, Maria seems a little less tired, if only for a few seconds. 

Maria turns to Pepa; she doesn’t smile, but she doesn’t look hostile either. She simply says a short:

“I’ll see you later.” And then she turns and leaves. 

For a few minutes, Pepa is alone in the living room. Her lap feels strangely empty without Josefa, and although things are still a little awkward with Maria, it feels lonely now she and Josefa aren’t here. With such a large family and there always being people around, time alone can be difficult to come by. Pepa doesn’t mind alone time; actually, she needs it fairly often. Despite being used to the noise and the business of a busy household, she still becomes overstimulated easily. And for some reason it’s become a lot worse the past year. She’s sent over the edge way more easily, and some things are way harder to manage. Even before things turned sour with her relationship with Maria again.

Pepa being overstimulated is not only bad for her, but also those who are in close proximity when she’s overwhelmed. She’s lost count of how many times she’s angrily snapped at people. She doesn’t feel good about herself when she does; in most cases, the other person has done nothing wrong. Unfortunately, they could breathe wrong and that’s enough to tip Pepa over the edge sometimes.

Just ask Agustín.

At the moment, however, she’s feeling uneasy and could use someone to talk to.

As a mother, it’s really hard for Pepa when one of her children is feeling off. It’s even worse when she can’t put a finger on exactly why; with Maria, most of the reason is obvious, but Pepa is still toying with the idea that there’s something more wrong. 

She hates to see Maria looking so unlike herself. She hates to see anyone in her family go through a difficult time; she remembers Julieta’s postpartum depression and how much she’d suffered, particularly after the birth of Antonia. Those had been very dark days indeed; Julieta never smiled, never laughed, and she barely spoke. She’d truly been a shell of her former self and Pepa had hated it. It hurts seeing someone loved suffer and being unable to change it when all she wants is to remove the pain in an instant and try to make it all better. It makes her feel so defenseless and useless. Although things don’t seem quite as severe with Maria, Pepa still feels a knot in her stomach whenever she thinks of Maria going through something similar. 

No one wants that for someone they love. Especially not their own children.

As much as she wants to talk to Maria about this, she worries about her daughter’s reaction. She doesn’t want to make everything about herself and her concerns, especially after everything that happened. That would be the last thing Maria wants and could make things even worse between them. She doesn’t want that at all.

She’d like to think that Maria would come to her if things were seriously wrong, but right now, isn’t sure about that. Especially when Maria doesn’t trust her the same anymore. She doesn’t want Maria to be suffering in silence. And it also hurts knowing that she’s Maria’s mother, but Maria doesn’t trust her with these things when she should. Pepa will always be there for her. She loves her and will always listen and help her, and it hurts knowing that Maria doesn’t see it and doesn’t see Pepa as someone trustful that she feels safe with. It makes her feel uneasy too, because she’s doing everything she can to prove herself to Maria, but it’s not enough. It makes her feel like she’s not enough for her own daughter, and she doesn't know what she wants when she should know what she needs. And Maria should realize that Pepa is there for her and that she knows her needs so that she doesn’t have to be so alone.

It is scary not being able to be that right now when they were finally getting somewhere before. She can’t support Maria when she absolutely clearly needs it.

It makes her mind feel all over the place, and she could have easily started overthinking if left with this for too long.

Luckily for Pepa, she isn’t alone for long. When she sees Agustín stroll into the living room, her anxiety settles slightly. 

She automatically clambers into Agustín’s lap as soon as he sits down, and she hugs him tightly. He returns the hug, giving her a reassuring squeeze as he kisses her head. It puts her at ease.

“That’s a lot of feelings. Do you want to talk about it?”

She does, but she isn’t sure where to start yet.

“I do, but maybe in a few minutes. What are the triplets doing?”

“They’re upstairs doing their homework. Well, that’s what they should be doing. The girls in particular seem to have a lot of energy right now. I don’t think they’ll get much done tonight. Nicolás seems a bit distracted too.”

Pepa nods, snuggling into Agustín even more.

The past weeks haven’t been easy on the triplets either. Of course it hasn’t, not when it was technically their actions and their mistake that led to Josefa beginning to choke. Pepa uses the word “technically”, because it hadn’t really been the triplets’ fault at all. They didn’t know better, and that had been on Pepa and Agustín. Still, the ordeal itself, witnessing Josefa choke and being screamed at by Maria afterwards had affected them. The three eleven year olds had seen a near-death experience unfold right before their eyes; it’s hard enough to see someone go through that, let alone be the cause of it. It’s even harder with the triplets still being children, children who genuinely wanted to help, and thought they were doing the right thing. 

They thought that Josefa still looked hungry and thought that feeding her would help. Only, they fed her the wrong thing. 

They still love and adore Josefa; that’s never going to change. She’s their niece and they cherish and value Josefa as a member of their family. However, they’re way more cautious now. Not that Maria will let them be alone with Josefa now, and she probably won’t in the near future, but all three of them seem to have lost some of their confidence around Josefa. Diana especially, since she’d been the one to actually put the little piece of arepa into Josefa’s mouth.  

They don’t ask to help feed Josefa her pureed baby food anymore, and when they play with her, they keep toys a fair distance away. It’s like they’re nervous that something will end up in the baby’s mouth and something terrible will happen again. It’s as if they’re waiting for things to go wrong again.

Of course, Pepa and Agustín have since sat them down and given them the same lecture as they’d given to Karina and Maria all those years ago. Actually, they gave them a way more detailed one. No one wants to make the same mistake again, and the pair of them really made sure that the triplets understood what they’d said. The triplets understand and are way more careful, but they’re still shaken by the whole thing. 

They feel incredibly guilty. 

And the triplets aren’t the only ones.

It’s going to take time.

Pepa and Agustín are thinking about getting the triplets some counseling. They’re so young and impressionable, and it would probably do them good to talk to someone who could properly talk to them in a way they could understand, especially after having witnessed an event like this. It would hopefully make things easier for them and make them properly be able to process it much better. It’ll make it easier for them to understand the harder things with the situation without making them blame themselves in the end. It’s absolutely very complex and they could get stuck up thinking about it otherwise.

“Well, their homework isn’t due for a few days, right?” Pepa says as she tries to remember their schedule. It’s way easier when Karina is an adult, and Maria is out of school, and the triplets are all in the same year. There is only one grade to keep track of right now when it comes to scheduling. “There’s still time.”

“Yes, but it will be easier on them if they do it sooner.” Agustín points out. 

She and Agustín have always had differences of opinion when it comes to homework; Agustín prefers for the kids to do their homework as soon as possible, so it’s out of the way. Whereas, Pepa is more lenient. It’s probably that way because when she’d been in school herself, she hated homework and put off doing it for as long as possible. She does see Agustín’s point though; rushing to do it at the last minute isn’t exactly fun either. Rather, it was always miserable for her and she never corrected it either, leading to many errors from not checking her own work properly or only skimming the questions. Not fun.

Either way, it will get done. It always does. 

At least homework goes way more smoothly since Diana has been applying her strategies to help with her word blindness. She gets way less frustrated than before; it’s still hard for her, but she’s doing really well. Pepa is very proud of her. She makes sure to tell her that even more often right now, especially when she can see that she’s not quite herself, and that the guilt makes it harder for her to focus. But with the circumstances, Diana is doing well, so are Nicolás and Camila.

She’s proud of all of her kids. 

“Mm.” She nods, holding Agustín’s hand in hers and playing with one of his fingers. 

He needs to cut his nails. 

They’re way too long.

“You ready to talk about what’s on your mind?” He asks her.

“Maria, mostly.” Pepa sighs. “I don’t know… she’s just not herself. I don’t really expect her to be after… you know. She’s just really on edge and doesn’t like to leave Josefa, but it looks like the strain is wearing on her. She asks us for help way more often than before, even if it’s harder to notice since she’s still in the room and watching us. It’s like even simple tasks like burping Josefa or changing her takes all of her energy. She just seems disinterested in everything in general, and it’s hard to know why when she doesn’t feel like she can talk to us. This doesn’t seem like a tiredness from her not getting enough sleep, but a tiredness that’s sort of… deep inside. Does that make sense?”

“It does. I’ve noticed.” He sighs. “I think what happened really frightened her, and now she’s on edge and worried about something similar happening again. Even though we’ve apologised and we’re proving ourselves, she isn’t going to trust us again overnight. Constantly feeling like she has to supervise people and keep watch is probably exhausting her. I know I would be exhausted, remember how exhausted we were when we always had to supervise her? Even if she’s doing less physically, it’s still mentally taxing. We just need to keep proving to her that we’re taking her seriously, and hopefully in time, she’ll be able to relax more and we can help her.”

“I hope so. I guess it’s really hard to tell how things will affect someone long term.” Pepa hums. “I mean, we’re all affected in some way, but Maria is affected more since Josefa is her daughter and she’s the one who had to step in and take over saving her life. I still feel guilty and I still replay it all in my mind, but I don’t really feel like I have the right to feel bad when it was our mistake.”

Even as she simply talks about it, Pepa gets a quick flash of the event in her mind. It makes her bite down on her lip in unease. These are not images she’d like to remember, or a day she’d like to relive.

“It’s natural to feel guilty. I feel guilty too, but the important thing is to not let our own guilt take over. We can’t change what happened, but we can change what happens next.” Agustín replies. “We’re doing everything we can.”

Somehow it doesn’t feel like enough. Not nearly. Pepa wants to do more. She wants Maria to let her do more. She wants to be allowed to help her when she’s there and willing, and wants to ease her burden. It feels strange not having her accept the help, even if she knows exactly why she isn’t. But she doesn’t like how she’s suffering in silence when there’s people around.

“I know. I still don’t think what happened is the sole reason for Maria feeling like this, though. I can’t put my finger on it, but I think there’s more going on. Whatever it is, I’m concerned.”

“That’s understandable.” Agustín kisses her head once more. It soothes her a little, but not by much. Now when Pepa has started talking about it, it’s all she can think about. She keeps wondering about what she’s not picking up on, and what Maria is hiding. She is uneasy about any hidden pain she’s carrying on her own instead of sharing it so they can handle it together. That’s what a good mother does, she is there to help and make her children safe. “I think we should keep an eye on her and see how things develop. We’ll see if there’s any more change in behaviour and address things as they occur.”

Pepa nods. That sounds like a decent plan.

“Okay. I just don’t like seeing her like this, especially when I know she probably wouldn’t accept my help even if I knew how to help her.”

It also hurts not knowing the answer. Even if Maria asked for help, Pepa wouldn’t exactly know what help to give. It’s another way to make her feel useless, because she’s supposed to be there with guidance and make things easier for her children. She shouldn’t be clueless and lost.

“Yeah. But even you said it yourself; there’s more progress than you thought there would be. Yes, she watches us like a hawk, but we’re allowed to hold Josefa and care for her now. That’s pretty good considering the fact that less than a month has passed. We need to think of the little things and what they mean. It’s good.”

“I know.” Pepa nods. “You’re right.”

“I know. Where is Maria, anyway?”

“She’s taken Josefa for her evening walk.”

“Oh. How long ago did she leave?”

“Probably around twenty five minutes to half an hour ago.” Pepa says. 

Give or take a little. She hadn’t kept track of the time too well when she was zoning out and left with her own thoughts before Agustín found her. Though she’s sure it’s around that time. It’s absolutely around half an hour.

“That’s longer than usual.” Agustín frowns.

Maria’s walks usually only last for around ten to fifteen minutes, and she never goes far. It’s just a quick walk leaving the house to soothe Josefa. Josefa settles relatively quickly in the fresh air, and Maria doesn’t stay out for longer than necessary. 

Josefa is on somewhat of a consistent schedule now. She’s not as strictly scheduled as Pepa’s own kids had been (something she learned the hard way a few months back) but the evening walk is timed to be right before her bath. If Pepa has her timings correct, Josefa is usually being bathed right about now. 

“Maybe Josefa is having a harder time settling.” Pepa shrugs. 

Of course, the exception to the rule is if Josefa is fussier than usual; Maria won’t bring her home until she’s calm. Which does happen from time to time. All babies have their moments, and some days they’re just fussier than usual, sometimes without any reason. That’s one thing Pepa can be confident about at least.

So they don’t think too much about it for the time being. Babies could be really unpredictable depending on the day.

Still, after a further fifteen minutes with no sign of Maria and Josefa, Pepa is beginning to worry. So is Agustín; she can tell by how tense he is and the anxiety filled expression on his face. He scrunches his nose up slightly, it’s a telltale sign. And how he uses his thumb and index finger to pinch and run through his moustache. He simply looks like he can’t settle, and it makes it harder for Pepa too. If she sees Agustín visibly tense, it’s easy for her to follow, and her own mind starts working overtime to fill her with new anxieties and a lot of paranoia. It’s hard to be calm whenever that happens, even when she tries.

She can’t be calm in situations like this.

“I think we should go look for her.” Agustín decides, and Pepa nods in agreement. She doesn’t hesitate in the slightest.

She was going to suggest this herself if Agustín hadn’t. She’s concerned, especially because this is no longer like Maria. It used to be, of course, and right around the time she got pregnant, she and Agustín wandered the streets looking for her, only to not find her most of the time. When she’d come home, she’d be hungover or still drunk from the night before. 

Josefa had been conceived on one of those nights. 

Maria had no care or consideration for just how worried she’d made her family. She just disappeared whenever she wanted to without informing anyone, not caring about the worry and anxiety, or the plans of other people that always had to be dropped in order to search for her instead. It had become a full time job, and yet she managed to find ways to escape no matter what they did, with no care in the world as she continued to put herself in danger. The conception of Josefa was proof of that. It had been a horrible, tiring pattern that always made Pepa uneasy. Maria continued to sneak out night after night and Pepa swore the anxiety of where Maria was and what she was doing almost sent her to an early grave. They never knew, and they always had to argue with her. They could never do something for themselves because they had to lecture and tend to Maria instead. It was as if she always forced things to be about herself when all they wanted was a break from her to just feel normal for once, and to get a break from the constant stress which was parenting her. It had been anyone’s worst nightmare.

Things had been so horrendous then, and it’s not an experience that Pepa wants to repeat ever again. Her nerves won’t stand it. It had felt like she was breaking apart on a daily basis as parenting Maria and keeping her safe had become an almost manic chore they couldn’t keep up with. It had been some of the worst times in Pepa’s life.

Those times seem like a distant memory now; Maria has no reason to escape or run away, not when she has a baby to care for. Maria is home every night with Josefa, and it’s been that way for months. She’s never away like this. The past felt so distant, like Maria was a completely new person now. The troubles and heartaches, pain, suffering and annoyance were all a distant memory as she had become someone actually kind and likeable, and it made it easy to forget all of the torment and unpredictability of the past. She hadn’t acted like this, or been gone for long without cause since before she had started behaving and turned over a new leaf.

That’s why Maria being gone for so long now is so concerning; Pepa’s not used to it anymore. The bad behavior wasn’t there. The absence is concerning now for a different reason.

She’s learned to rely on Maria to be home within a certain time limit after going for one of her walks. She can go as far as to say that she can trust Maria now, something she wasn’t sure that she or Agustín would ever be able to do. They had been prepared for a lifetime of distrust, something they hadn’t considered might change until recently. The trust came naturally without Pepa having to think about it too much, and she can relax in the knowledge that Maria will be home when she says she’ll be home. 

Well, she thought she could. Now she’s not sure. The unease and doubt make her feel all tangled with confusion.

The doubt had been so easily seeded, and now she thinks of all the worst case scenarios, and all of the times in the past where they thought they had been right about Maria, only to end up hurt and disappointed again. She pushes them aside, doing her best to not let them overtake her, as she doesn’t want her worst nightmare to become reality.

She never wants to see the Maria of old again, not after all of the pain and suffering that she’s forced her through. She’s grown used to associating her with pain and hurt and distrust. She doesn’t want to do that again when their relationship is finally starting to become normal, or had been. And well, when Maria has started to act normal, something Pepa hadn’t been sure she ever would ever since the age of two when the worry had started to creep in at her behavior. She had known deep in her bones back then, already back then, that something was off, and she wasn’t sure if things would ever feel right until Maria started to mature while having Josefa.

As she and Agustín leave the house and begin walking, Pepa can’t shake the uneasy feeling in her stomach. Even holding Agustín’s warm hand in hers doesn’t seem to be helping much. Instead it pulls and tugs at her. It’s as if she’s swallowed an ice pick that’s ripping her organs apart. Not even breathing comes without the worry and anxiety.

It’s no secret that Maria is feeling depressed. Maria may not talk about it openly, but it’s obvious. They don’t need to talk about it to see it when it’s obvious, especially after such an event like last month. Anyone could see it. So much so that even Alma has been asking questions. She’s worried too.

What if things are worse than Pepa realises? What if Maria really is as bad as Julieta had been, and in her despair, she’s run away with Josefa? What if she’s tried to scale the mountains with her and they got hurt? What if things were worse? What if the depression had taken its toll on Maria and she didn’t know how to handle it anymore, so much that she ignored all the help in the house and this was the result of it? Pepa knows how bad things can become and just how unpredictable Maria has been in the past.

She sincerely hopes not; she hopes that it’s something as simple as Josefa taking longer to settle, and then Pepa can stop worrying. But it’s hard when her mind keeps tugging at her with worst case scenarios. Maria isn’t much to speak openly about feelings. Literally anything could be happening when Maria isn’t an emotional person at all, and has never cared enough to be one. She’s never tried to open up properly. She’s never really allowed them the option to support her, shutting them out instead.

Neither she nor Agustín speak as they walk towards town. They’re too tense to do so, and they wouldn’t know what to talk about anyway. Not when this reminds them both all too much about all of the times they had needed to search the entire Encanto for a drunk Maria trying to cause chaos and havoc to make her parents’ lives miserable for her own enjoyment. Rather than begin calling out for Maria right away, they’re going to walk a little further and hope that they spot Maria walking home. They don’t want an outburst if they call for her and she’s done nothing wrong, or if Josefa had ended up dozing off. Pepa knows first hand what it’s like waking Josefa up before she’s ready. She doesn’t want to repeat that mistake again, not when she’s learned her lesson there. Now she knows what Josefa needs and she doesn’t want to make her crankier.

As they get close to town, the pair of them begin to hear voices. Voices they know all too well; Pepa can recognise Raquel de Leon’s voice a mile away. And also the voices of her friends; Pepa can’t see them yet, but it’s obvious that they’re drunk by the slurring of words and the obnoxiously loud laughter. It’s already making her ears hurt, and if she wasn’t so worried she’d roll her eyes in the distance. They sound just as unpleasant as ever, even from just laughing, and Pepa dislikes them just as much as she’s ever done. It’s clear they’re all just the same as they had been back when Maria had been spending so much time with them as their leader and making everyone else’s lives hell. Their parents really should actually do something about their children and parent them properly, because this is embarrassing with how little they seem they’re trying to reign them in. This is clear lazy parenting, she and Agustín seems to have been the only ones putting in some effort with their kid, but what can one expect. Miguel as an example is the son of Helena, so it’s clear what kind of parenting is practiced in that household, especially with these drunken daylight antics.

This is typical of them; even without Maria in their group, they still party almost every night. They cause chaos in the streets, and there are still complaints from other residents about vandalism and excessive noise. No one likes them and it’s clearly for good reason, because this is absolutely unacceptable.

The only difference now is that Maria is no longer included in that group; she’s where she’s supposed to be at night. She’s tucked up in bed like she should be instead of making everyone’s lives difficult. She’s actually acting like a normal person now and she’s well behaved after years of ignoring her parents’ parenting. Having Josefa must have made Maria realize that she needs to be a role model or else Josefa will end up like this, so she’s improved even when Pepa and Agustín had given up hope. It’s really good, because Pepa absolutely despises all of these people, and it’s good that Maria has stopped talking about missing them now when she’s realized that she’s got a family that actually cares for her that actually matters. She doesn’t need them when she’s got actual love and actual family. Maria is so much better off without them. All these people do is being out drinking and disrupting everyone else. Not talking to them anymore is doing her a favor.

Still, it’s a little early even for the likes of Raquel and the others. It’s not even dark yet. 

Another sound in the crowd catches Pepa’s attention and makes her walk even faster. Actually, she and Agustín almost run. With what they’re hearing, they don’t even tense up first. It’s like pure instinct kicks in as their worries and fears about the worst happening somehow immediately becomes real.

They can hear Josefa crying. 

Loudly, high pitched. Clearly her cry. Even with so many babies in the Encanto, Pepa would recognize the cry of a family member immediately. There’s no mistaking this, which makes it so much worse. And also, who else could it be? Especially with previous track records. It makes no sense for another baby to be close to those people, which makes Pepa taste bile in her throat as she hates the conclusion she’s coming to. Once again, her life is turned upside down in the matter of half a second. It’s absolutely her cry, she’d recognize it anywhere.

Her body is cold. She feels the hair on her skin stand up as the shiver eats her alive along with the unease. For that half second, the world stands still, before everything plummets back down on her as if she’s been slapped with the entire weight of the world trying to crush her and make her plummet. Like she’s suddenly as heavy as several tons of pure iron.

Her mind is screaming. All she can think about is the possible danger. What she’s hearing.

A baby’s cry has never filled her with more dread in her entire life.

Josefa is there. 

Her mind is blank.

It’s not blank. It’s full. Overly full. Screaming. Shaking. Spinning. Assaulting her with thoughts and worries and emotions. Feeling nothing and everything at once as it holds her hostage. Like she’s suffocating. About to fall. About to drop down from unease and panic, like her mind can’t keep up. Making her feel like she’s about to pass out as she feels her heart speed up. Pushing, beating so quick it feels like she’s choking, like her throat is blocked and all she feels is the overly quick and insane thumping that makes her lightheaded while she curses internally, unable to form any words except the primal fear, worry, and immediate disappointment as she tries to register the coming danger.

Disbelief. All she feels is disbelief.

It’s as if it's suddenly the middle of the night, and she feels exhausted, terrified and vulnerable once more. Like she can feel the blisters on her feet, the insomnia eating her up and taunting her, and the panic inside of her as she’s about to explode and faint. The adrenaline, the ache in her joints, the stench from sweat as she was running, and the fear of always being too late. Of the danger, the worry, of Maria never listening and hurting herself and hurting everyone. The late nights, the tears and worry and torments and nothing ever being better. Of the stench of coffee and the taste of metal and blood and the pain of choking and feeling her throat torn open as blood pools into her mouth as she almost swallows those nails.

Of being threatened. Of feeling unsafe. Of only seeing Maria as a danger, or something to fear. Of someone not normal. Of someone who only saw joy in hurting others and nothing else. Someone who lived to personally torment Pepa and nothing else, as if that is all she was good for.

Just like before.

Always like before like nothing changed.

She tastes the blood on her mouth. The pain cuts into the back of her throat, into the tissue of the back of her tongue. The sound of rasping meat mixed together with dark coffee, Mingling with the insanity of sleep deprivation and salty tears. Loud violent pops of loud noises and laughter. So many people, people everywhere, in the dark alley behind the church. Words, so many words, more loud noises. Freaking out, panicking, rocking, crying. Blood in her mouth. Maria’s room, broken porcelain, the sound of heavy objects smashing against the wall, the gramophone playing. Loud bangs. Pain. Panic. Crying. Attack. The weight on her. Maria’s enraged face. Screaming, strong violent hands fighting. Of being hurt. Of being in danger. Spinning. The blackness. The fear. It’s all that goes through her mind. All of the torment and pain she’s gone through, how her daughter’s hands had been stained red in her own blood, fueled by misery.

All as she remembers everything so clearly. So many things she’d done her best to forget as she actually thought things had changed.

This can’t be happening. Not again. Maria doesn’t do this anymore. 

She couldn’t.

She couldn’t do this when she had finally gotten better and Pepa finally truly thought she could trust her. She couldn’t do this now when she was a mother and had someone to protect. Not even Maria would do this. Not even Maria would be so cruel. Not when she says that she cares about Josefa. When she says that she actually loves Josefa when she’s never loved anything at all before. Not when she says that she actually cares and wants to be good and a good mother.

Like she could actually change and become a good person who cares about people.

But what’s good with this? 

There’s nothing good with this. Only fear and worry. So much worry as she is eating alive. She thinks of Josefa. She thinks of the pain and hurt and worry that she’s been put in. She thinks of the physical danger she had to experience, and she’s terrified of Josefa becoming a victim of that too. Of being completely broken and shredded into pieces just like she had been. Of being completely ruined by Maria in her glee for tormenting. Pepa can’t do it, she can’t.

Now when she feels like this is going to make her break apart.

What Pepa sees upon turning the corner makes her blood run cold. It makes her snap out of her panic momentarily to fill her with rage instead. Quick intense rage burns intensely through all of her as she feels the anger bubble and pushes through her in a fury so strong that she could almost feel smoke coming through her ear. Something that makes her truly see red in an instant as nothing is the same anymore, and there’s only anger and nothing else. There’s nothing but anger because of this and this behavior and what she immediately sees. Nothing can explain it and it makes her blood boil with fury as everything breaks apart in one fourth of a second.

It’s all so intense. She can’t help it. She doesn’t want to either at this moment. Not when she needs to be here and actually do something. But right now she feels the anger as she takes in the scene, becoming more disgusted with each microsecond.

There’s no need to explain any of this when it’s all pretty clear as day. She’s not blind, she’s not stupid. She knows what this means. She’s got eyes for fucks sake.

All of Maria’s old gang of “friends” were there, very obviously blackout drunk, smoking cigarettes and throwing glass bottles at one another. Obviously they would, all things considered and with what kind of people they were. Absolutely the wrong kind for anyone to be close to, and this keeps proving it. They’ve not changed a bit, and seeing them now makes Pepa feel enraged and physically sick, but that’s only the beginning of it. If they had simply been the bottom of the barrel of what the village had to offer, that would have been it, but that’s not all, because of course it’s not. That’s why they’re here in the first place, because of course it couldn’t just be these people being idiots wasting their lives being absolute trash, because of course it couldn’t. Pepa couldn’t just be so lucky to run into some sore excuses of teenagers and call it a day. There had to be more of it, because there always was. She should have expected it, knowing exactly who these teenagers used to associate with in the past. Nothing is ever easy or uncomplicated, all things considered, so she shouldn’t have thought they would be this time when she knows the actual track record.

Namely what happens when Maria is involved, or with these people who were involved with Maria. She never makes things easy, and situations always become so much worse. It’s the one constant in their lives, one thing that has never changed ever since Maria was a toddler. She always makes things worse and ruins everything. Of course things are going to be more difficult, because Pepa couldn’t have an easy life. That was too much to ask. The rage is already too strong as she simply sees them like this, with her heart beating in her chest and her breath stuck in her throat.

And her rage completely boils over when she sees that Maria is right there with them, holding her infant daughter in her arms way too close to any of them. The rage she felt previously was a mild simmer compared to what this image unleashed inside of Pepa. It awakens a rage she’s never felt before in her entire life. She’s never felt like this towards Maria before, even in her most horrible and ridiculous moments. Now it’s everywhere, it boils over as nothing compares to this. The anger, but also the confusion rushing through her at the same time.

It’s as if she’s been slapped in the face a million times with a meat tenderizer.

At that moment, Pepa doesn’t know what to feel or what to think. That part of her thinking feels stuck and divided as if she’s swallowed whole by her emotions and confusion. A part of her feels relieved that Maria hasn’t run away. That they wouldn’t have to search the entire Encanto for her like before.

The rest of her feels an intense amount of anger and bitter disappointment in what she’s witnessing. And anger and disappointment like never before, like she’s swallowed whole by her angry judgment. Right now she feels disgust as she looks at Maria because of the circumstances. She can see the clear disrespect in her eyes like she always did, and it’s clear she’s completely disregarding safety. There’s no respect for Josefa, that’s absolutely clear from this. Josefa should not be anywhere near people like that, or exposed to anything like this. Maria obviously doesn’t care about that, only about what she wants, like always. It’s too foolish to think that she’d ever actually care about another person without it being a manipulation tactic of some sorts. She can tell this is it and how she’s grown bored of motherhood, like Josefa was only a toy and not her own person.

Any concern she had for Maria’s wellbeing is instantly replaced with resentment and contempt. It’s replaced with fury. Her sympathy can only extend so far. Especially when Maria had complained about her and Agustín making a mistake, while Maria bringing Josefa here is absolutely more dangerous than anything else, and with way worse intentions. With all the alcohol around, Pepa is terrified that Maria might have had a sip, not caring about how that would affect Josefa. If she did, she absolutely wouldn’t care about the consequences of what it would do to her breast milk.

Pepa’s mind panics and spirals as she’s already trying to figure out what people they know with infants and toddlers who are currently breastfeeding, because no way in hell they’d let Maria nurse Josefa when she’s filled her body with actual poison not caring about her daughter. It didn’t matter what Marta said on the matter if she protested, because she wasn’t the one who mattered here. She mattered the least out of anyone, Josefa was the one who mattered, and if Maria had been so stupid and careless and uncaring to drink then she had to deal with her own consequences and she couldn’t expect sympathy and a pat on the shoulder. This unhinged behavior wasn’t going to be rewarded. It’s clear she knew better than Maria about what was safe and what wasn’t. And what was actually okay to do.

Maria should know, so she’s ignoring it instead. She’s ignoring how vulnerable Josefa is. How dangerous this is. All as she’s gone here behind the back of everyone else.

None of this makes any sense.

Maria should know better than this. Which means that she did, and just didn’t fucking care. Like always.

She always only thought about herself, and not about how others would be affected.

The phantom taste of blood in her mouth assaults Pepa again, another quick and sharp reminder that poked at her and makes her feel unsteady as she remembers very clear evidence of what Maria is like as a person. All of the pain and misery that had been written because of her actions. So many consequences, so much misery all radiating from Maria’s action and presence.

This isn’t okay.

Maria being here isn’t okay, and will never be.

Even if she could understand Maria’s need to escape her own confusing and hurt feelings, to drag Josefa into this is completely unacceptable. Maria should know better than that. She should actually care about her daughter, especially if she wants to claim to do so. But this isn’t care. This is disregard. This is being plain fucking stupid and doing something completely senseless instead of doing something actually normal and mature like talking her parents who were always there. Yet she had always disregarded that alternative. She disregarded what was healthy and what she should have actually done if she wanted normal and honest help, because she and Agustín are the best help she could ever get, especially compared to those low lives she considered friends who only exaggerated her horrible traits and made her behavior worse. Those people only encouraged the undesirable. It’s clear that Maria somehow wants that with how sternly she ignores actually normal advice and support by not talking to her parents like she should. Like she’s too good for them and refuses to accept help because they’re not going to encourage the bad behavior. Maria probably doesn’t think there’s any point then, because she’s not going to try talking if she can’t get what she wants.

Just like things have always been. Maria purposely does something horrible to get under others skin or because she doesn’t care. But she also refuses to grow close to normalcy at the same time. It’s like pleading towards deaf ears.

Pepa doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand this at all. Her chest aches and the rain soaks her within seconds. It makes no sense when Maria seems to care about Josefa one second, and then suddenly not anymore. It makes no sense at all, especially with the danger Josefa had experienced so recently and with how angry and furious and protective Maria had been. It makes her mind spiral and panic as it’s impossible to make sense of it. How could she appear to be so caring one second only to change completely the next? Or had she only pretended to care this entire time? Had she just wanted to do things on her own terms to look good?

She doesn’t know.

The stress pulls at her. Making her feel like she’s slapped away. Like someone has dropped a bucket of water all over her, making each strand of hair on her skin stand up frozen. It’s as if she’s on the verge of vomiting, but her body won’t let her.

The weather reacts and shows her emotions when her own body doesn’t let her. Her body is physically paralyzed. The cloud makes it rain and makes her show everything as she’s physically unable to any other way. The downpour is already starting as she tastes the blood again. Stronger and more intense, almost making her choke as it quickly pools up. Warm and disgusting liquid, metallic and everywhere, filling her mouth with what feels like the pulse of her breathing.

Pepa has bitten down on her tongue she realizes. Pain, sharp pain is everywhere. More blood is pooling out as she had bit deep.

But she also tastes the coffee. The taste is so intense as if she’s just put a cup to her lips and drank. 

She hasn’t had coffee since breakfast, but with the blood she feels it stronger than ever. And the phantom pain of something sharp ripping her throat open from the inside. She wants to vomit but can’t. Of course she can’t. She’s not in control anymore.

Miguel Ramirez, Maria’s ex best friend, laughs loudly as he’s inches from Josefa, blowing cigarette smoke in her face as he tickles the baby under her chin.

It makes Pepa feel her heart skip a bit. Her throat snarls up as she panics. The lizard brain inside of her and her motherly instincts scream at her to run, no, bolt towards them and violently rip Josefa out of Maria’s hands to protect her. She’s in danger.

Pepa needs to run and make things better, but somehow she still can’t move. She’s paralyzed again with her legs locked in place as she’s all too aware of every single thing, like breathing and the beating of her own heart.

The smoke already smells disgusting from this far away. It worsens the panic as she can’t move. It’s as if she’s going to choke, her airways closing up at the presence of the disgusting and dangerous smell. Josefa is too close, she’s too close. But Pepa can’t move. She needs to do something before it’s too late.

“God, she’s a bit miserable, isn’t she? Not even a smile for her tío Miguel?” He scoffs. “She better be more fun when she’s old enough to drink.”

“At least she’s not as fucking ugly as she was.” Martina Ortega giggles. Her voice feels like daggers burying into Pepa’s ear holes and twisting. The giggles feel like a violent assault to her that she just wants to fucking stop.

This can’t be real, this can’t be real at all.

But it is real because of course it’s fucking real. Because what else could they expect from Maria of all people? It’s always Maria, it’s never anyone else but Maria. Maria is the one of her children who only brings dread no matter what she does, and here’s more living proof of it because she’s standing right there just letting Miguel and Martina talk to her like that when Josefa is too close and too exposed.

How can she just stand there and actually feel proud of herself when she’s got nothing to be proud of?

How come she even has the fucking audacity when Maria is absolutely complete aware of what she’s doing?

She’s got no fucking shame.

The disappointment grows stronger each passing second. She can’t take it. It’s as if it’s physically clawing inside of her chest as she witnesses this scenario from her nightmares. Of Maria just being Maria. Of her being a danger to her daughter, and who should be her top priority.

Pepa watches as Maria has the audacity to speak to these people as if everything is fucking normal and there wasn’t something deeply wrong with her.

“My baby was never ugly, you’re just too fucking stupid to realize what a newborn looks like. And she might be miserable because you’re all up in her space, so that’s on you.” Maria says, defensively as she moves to the side to obscure Josefa’s face. Pepa can’t think too much of Maria right now though. Not properly, only the scrambled and furious thoughts in her mind which she can’t turn off in her panic. She’s more worried about Josefa, who is here among a group of drunk teenagers, having cigarette smoke blown in her face when she should be at home in her crib, fast asleep. She doesn’t deserve any of this. She doesn’t deserve to have such a selfish, terrible mother. She deserves so much better, and she’s miserable. Pepa knows that she’s miserable from simply being near Maria. Who wouldn’t be? Especially an infant in a situation like this. She can absolutely pick up on not being properly cared for. Maria is absolutely the last thing she needs right now, and that realization makes Pepa’s blood boil as she clearly sees how badly Maria has failed as a parent. She would never do anything like this to her children, she would never get drunk and blackout and put them in harm's way and be so condescending and unloving and selfish and not thinking about what they’re seeing. She’d actually listen to her children’s needs and never do something so unsafe. It’s clear Maria hasn’t picked up how to actually be a parent since she’s completely different.

Josefa coughs and splutters, whimpering as she attempts to hide her face in Maria’s shoulder. She looks distressed and uncomfortable, and that’s all Pepa can think about as she stomps over to the crowd of teenagers, the cloud above her head thundering loudly as she can’t hold it back anymore. The paralysis she’s been under just breaks and she walks quickly, not even letting a second pass as she’s now in control of her body again, feeling like her emotions are going to make her explode. She’s furious, frightened and above all, feeling completely let down by the daughter she thought she’d finally learned to trust. Let down couldn’t even describe the utter anger and disgust she’s feeling. It’s as if she’s staring at a stranger because this isn’t the Maria the world wants or needs. This is the horrible Maria feeding on everyone’s misery and draining them dry. She’s nothing like her other children. She’s nothing like someone normal would be.

All there is is disappointment and dread. More than ever before. So much dread unearthing inside of her, everything crashing down like an avalanche that quickly buries her under the compact snow of emotions, making her suffocate.

Her whole world is turned upside down.

Maria had been doing so well, and Pepa had been stupid enough to think that the days of Maria getting drunk and putting herself in dangerous situations were over. She thought she was finally getting somewhere, growing up and started to act like a normal person. Someone who actually cared about other people and had emotions. She’d matured, and put her child first. She was finally someone people enjoyed being around. For the first time in over a decade she was a joy to raise. 

The scene before her makes her realise how wrong she was, and all she can feel is hurt and rage as she acts entirely on instinct, approaching the crowd of teens and fully prepared to give them a piece of her mind. The illusion of Maria being a good person and someone she could trust is completely shattered and will never be repaired. Maria won’t deserve that trust either, not after this. Now she truly knows what kind of person she is, and Pepa will never forget. Not again when all that Maria is good for is causing pain. Finding joy in tormenting others. She’s horrid and nothing else. Years and years of proof should have been enough because people like Maria don’t change.

Right now, her trust is completely broken, and all she feels is rage towards her daughter, and sympathy for Josefa who does not deserve any of this. She didn’t deserve to be born to such a terrible human being as her mother. She doesn’t deserve to be punished like this simply because of who birthed her. It’s all too unfair, and not something that Pepa can allow to continue.

Agustín is right there with her; he may not have the weather to tell everyone what he’s feeling, but his face says it all. His expression is one of anger, hurt and betrayal. That is the expression of someone about to lose it completely from the anger and disbelief at what they’re seeing.

Pepa feels all of that and more. 

She’ll go as far to say that she’s disgusted. 

And what’s more, it doesn’t even look like Maria cares. Not that she can stand to look at Maria for long; right now she’s far too angry. The black pool of spite and fury consumes her. Looking at her makes her feel unwell. She’s more furious and disappointed than she’s ever been in Maria, like she’s learned nothing. It’s as if all she could do was disappoint them over and over again, hitting a newer low each and every time, and as if that’s all that she’s good for. She’ll never learn because she doesn’t want to understand.

Everything they’ve worked on for months, and all of the trust that Pepa has put into Maria has been for nothing. It’s crumbled to dust with this one act. It’s completely shattered and it is never coming back. Not after something like this.

“Going for a walk, were you!?” Pepa snaps, her eyes full of fury as she glares at her daughter. She’s physically vibrating from the anger, feeling clicking inside of her body as if she’s crushed internally as her words explode with such intensity that her chest and throat hurts. “How could you!? We thought you were done with this shit! But no, you lied to my face and said you were going for a walk! Instead, you brought your five month old into this atmosphere to get drunk! Were you planning this? How long have you been planning this!? How fucking stupid did you take us for that we wouldn’t find out about this behavior? We wanted to think that you actually knew better and finally had some sense knocked into you but apparently the bare minimum is too much to ask!”

Maria blinks a few times at her mother, looking almost shocked at the accusation. The fact that Maria has the nerve to look shocked and offended at being called out only intensifies Pepa’s rage. She’s got no right at all. No fucking right when she knows just what the fuck she’s done. Pepa is the only one who is allowed to be offended right now, Maria has no right to feel anything at all, not when she’s in the wrong about literally everything like she’s always been. All she does is torment and put people in danger and Pepa has had enough. This is the final straw.

Does she not even care? Does she not see how fucked up this behaviour is? She absolutely has to but doesn’t care anyway which is exactly what’s wrong with her.

“I didn’t plan this! I- “ 

Maria isn’t given a chance to finish her sentence. She’s cut off by Agustín. She’s got no right to speak and come up with fake excuses to try to get out of this mess that she’s voluntarily put herself in. If she wanted to have the privilege to speak and be seen as responsible then she should have fucking behaved. She’s got no right to feel embarrassed and ashamed when that’s all she should feel after her stupidity. She’s lost the right to defend herself when it’s clear it’s all going to be horseshit. They know Maria. Any fucking excuse she comes up with is going to be horseshit. She never tries to take accountability and that’s ending now. She’s not even going to get the opportunity to try to lie to them and manipulate them anymore.

She’s the one who has put herself in this mess so she’s got no right to complain.

“Don’t you dare try and justify yourself! You know you have no defense here and you know it! Your mother is right! You lied to her and for what!? So you can go out and party and have your old life back!? We thought you’d grown up and taken responsibility for yourself, but obviously fucking not! You really think this is the right place for a baby!? Do you really think your need to be included and to have friends is more important than your daughter right now!? Do you have any fucking clue how much danger you’re putting her in!? Are you too fucking narcissistic to realize? Is fucking things up and only caring about yourself the only thing you’re good for? How are we ever going to trust you now? You know how hard it is for your mother to trust but obviously you don’t fucking care because you never do! It took a lot for her to start trusting you, and this is how you repay her!? This is how you repay me!? For everything we’ve helped you with when it’s absolutely clear you deserved none of it?!”

Agustín never usually curses this much; Pepa is the one without a filter, not him. Agustín doesn’t swear without a good enough reason, and right now, he has one; he’s so furious that he’s going red in the face. It’s a truly alien sight to her. One that is never experienced or shown publicly without good reason, truly showing how devastating and dangerous the situation really is. It shows how insane everything is, and how deeply in the wrong Maria was for all of this. Agustín is about to lose it, just like she is.

Pepa hates to see him like that. Seeing Agustín angry is frightening, simply because this level of anger doesn’t happen often. It more than startles her. There’s a level of venom to his voice that is outright terrifying. Though in this situation she understands it completely, she feels it too, along with how she feels her trust completely shattered.

“I’m not fucking stupid!” Maria scowls, holding Josefa close to her chest. All too close in Pepa’s opinion. She’s immediately terrified of Maria accidentally suffocating her from holding her too tightly. “You seriously think I planned this!? Everything I did for months to show you that I can be trusted means nothing to you now!? I would never put my baby in danger! I’m not you! You want to preach at me about fucking trust after what you did only weeks ago!? That’s rich!”

Pepa feels like she’s been punched in the stomach; she knows she was wrong. She’s spent weeks feeling guilty about it. She’s lost so much sleep over the mistake, and she’s shown so much regret. That should count for something because it wasn’t like she was doing it on purpose. She was trying, but Maria kept bringing up the same talking points to guilt them when she apologized and showed that she won’t do that again. It’s like she absolutely can’t let it go, because all she wants is to continue to shame Pepa and make her feel miserable and guilty about something that she’s already apologized about. It had been an accident, and the level of anger is not normal for something she genuinely hadn’t done on purpose, unlike Maria’s behavior who was absolutely not accidental in the slightest. She didn’t have the same leeway in accidents, which made Pepa even more furious.

Why is it okay for Maria to call her out, but not the other way around? She feels bile in her stomach and how the rage increases. It’s really not okay for her to play these different rules when Pepa’s intentions had never been bad, but Maria’s always clearly is? She wasn’t going to let Maria try to control her and guilt her again and again with the same story just because she refuses to accept that Pepa is sorry. She wants to be the center of attention and forever talk about the trauma of being a mother who had to experience and witness something horrible happening to her daughter, always blaming others instead of actually moving on. Pepa refuses to hear it because she wants to guilt them, that’s all. Especially not now when Maria is clearly more of a danger to Josefa than Pepa will ever be. Maria is too fucking delusional to see it right now, which makes the rage burn even brighter.

“You seriously think what we’re witnessing here is any better!? We’ve apologised to you countless times, but you don’t want to hear it! You’re not perfect either! Far from it! You fucked up by bringing her here! It’s obvious that this was planned and this is absolutely way worse! Your so called friends haven’t spoken to you in months! Why the sudden interest now!? You’re really the worst fucking liar there is! You really can’t see how this environment is bad!? Did you bring Josefa here to show off like she’s some kind of object? You thought that showing your friends a cute baby is some kind of way to win your friends back when it’s pretty fucking obvious why no one likes you? Because that’s sure as hell what it looks like! If you’re depressed, you could have talked to us! We would have been there for you unlike these people! Why do this!? Why stoop to this level and bring Josefa down with you!? You’re going to start drinking again, is that it!? That’s how you’re going to deal with your problems!? And you can tell us how much you’ve had to drink, because given the situation we’re in, you’ve definitely had something! Just tell the fucking truth for once in your life!”

Not that she can believe anything that Maria says anymore. Something has broken between them. She always lies anyway, she’s never going to trust her again, so she can just better spit out how much alcohol she’s had already so that she and Agustín can find someone to breastfeed Josefa in place of Maria since her milk is now going to be tainted and dangerous. It’ll be easier for everyone if they don’t have to deal with Maria’s bullshit and her lies, she has to just give in for once. But of course she’s not going to, because she never ever admits that she’s wrong. She’s completely incapable of ever thinking that she can be wrong, because in her broken head, Maria always assumes that she’s perfect and the best at everything and that she’s never to blame for anything. She’s absolutely already trying to come up with some way to twist this into her being the victim like she always does in order to try to manipulate her and Agustín into feeling horrible. Just like she always does and always has done. There’s going to be no difference this time, because nothing about Maria has clearly changed at all, and now she’s seeing it with clear eyes.

It’s like Pepa already suspected before. Something inside of Maria is broken. She’s not normal, and it’s hard to swallow. Unlike Karina, Nicolás, Diana and Camila, something is wrong with her. 

She’s not a normal person and has never been. She’s the only one out of Pepa’s children that she can say that she’s never felt genuinely proud of ever in her entire life, and this is just more proof of that. There’s nothing about Maria that anyone, not even her own parents, can ever be proud of. And if she continues behaving like this, that’s never going to change. There’s nothing to be proud of here. All that she’s ever felt is pure disappointment about her, and now more than ever. She’s not like her other children at all, and she’ll never be.

She just wants to get this all over with. She just wants this to be over.

Although she’s asked Maria for the truth, Pepa isn’t in the mood to hear Maria’s excuses; because that’s what they are. They’re excuses. Just rotten idiotic excuses that no one would ever fall for. It’s like she thinks that they’re all fucking stupid and don’t know how her schemes and lies work.

Maria goes on and on about how she had no plans to meet up with these people, that they’d spotted her and followed her and Josefa, cornering her when she’d tried to walk away. There’s no way she’d ever believe any of those pathetic lies, because Maria would never disengage from drama purposely when she wants to be the center of attention. It’s all she’s good for.

Maria’s friends aren’t backing her up; they’re laughing at the drama unfolding before them. That alone says enough about how Maria’s words are nothing but bullshit lies already cracking before them. Even her so-called friends think that she’s pathetic. People around the village are staring, but fuck, Pepa won’t stop them. Maria deserves to be properly humiliated for this unacceptable behavior. She won’t learn like any of the previous times, because by now it’s clear it’s impossible to teach her anything, but the least she deserves is to feel the pure humiliation and stares. If this is the only punishment that actually works, so be it. She’s all alone in this because she’s made her bed, especially as she keeps refusing to own up to her bullshit. Lying is more important than the truth, and it’s clear she has nothing but disrespect for her parents as she keeps lying. All that’s missing is that shit-eating grin she used to sport. Now it’s replaced with angry glares and fury as she keeps speaking, as if that new act is going to fool someone as she looks genuinely upset.

There’s nothing genuine about Maria. She can’t feel. She can’t love. She’s not fooling anyone.

How the fuck is she supposed to believe that she actually doesn’t want to be here? Maria’s gift is super speed, for god sake. She could easily have gotten Josefa out of there if she wanted, but she chose not to. She wanted to be here. The difference is, Josefa didn’t ask to be. Maria can make a mess of her own life all she wants, but Pepa will not allow Josefa to become collateral damage. She’s not going to let Maria destroy her just like how she’s chosen to destroy herself. Josefa is not going to be dragged down into this misery.

“I’ve not had anything to drink, you fucking idiot! I’m fucking breastfeeding! Smell my fucking mouth if you don’t believe me!” Maria is screaming. It’s clear that the hysteria is already building up inside her. Even if she keeps it contained for no, no one is fooled. She’s never been able to control her anger, she doesn’t know what a temper is and doesn’t care enough to control it. It’s only a matter of time, especially as she’s already screaming and insulting them when she’s got no right to. Pepa has seen these signs before, it’s all the same. She knows exactly how much of a danger Maria is. “Why is it so hard to believe that I only wanted to go for a walk!? There’s no point in telling you anything because you’ll clearly never fucking believe me anyway and you never listen! You think I’d ever talk to you about my feelings when you’ve proven yet again that you don’t listen! All the pair of you ever do is judge me and that’s never going to change no matter what I do so what’s the point?! And you wonder why I can’t stand to be around you!?”

Josefa is full on crying by now. This only makes Pepa even angrier. 

There’s no way that Maria is going to blame her for her reckless behaviour. Not when all she’s ever tried to do is love Maria and help her. She just doesn’t appreciate it. It makes her even more enraged. All she gets from Maria is disrespect when Pepa has loved and cared for her all her life even when she’s never deserved any of it. Maria didn't deserve her love, and she never had, yet she had given it to her anyway because she’s selfless unlike her daughter. So these words set her on fire. Even when Maria has never earned her love, she spits in her face after everything that she’s done to her that she shouldn’t even have felt obligated to do, especially not to someone just like her who never behaves or acts normal or would ever appreciate it.

Maria has no right to say that she can’t stand her, when she’s the person no one can fucking stand to be around. She’s always been difficult, Pepa hates being around her and always has, she always fucking has, yet she’s been there anyway. To say that she doesn’t care is the worst insult that she’s ever heard, and she’s not taken this when she’s sacrificed so much to someone who doesn’t care or doesn’t deserve it because she’s clearly already a lost cause. For a split second she wishes that she’s never been born, because her life would be so much easier without her in it.

She refuses to be seen as lower than these idiots that she surrounds herself with, when she’s actually a good person and has actually cared for her. But she spits in the face of anyone who actually wants to help her, and the people who will actually stand her and will actually love her even when she’s actually impossible to love. But she’s too stupid to realize that no one else will ever be able to love her and deal with her, and that she is no one and will have no one if she keeps pushing the family away. They’re the only ones who will ever love her. Maria is too stupid to realize that, and that she'll be completely alone without the family. They have to accept her, others don’t. They’re her only safety of not ending up alone yet she still doesn’t appreciate them for not abandoning her when she acts like this.

They’re everything she has. They’re the only thing she has. Yet she treats them all like this, as if all the sacrifice means nothing to her. After raising her even when she’s been the most difficult person that they’ve ever been around. Even when they kept wishing that they wouldn’t have to deal with her anymore because life was so much calmer without her, yet they hadn’t given up on her until now. That is something she should have appreciated because no one else would have given her this chance. But no, she will never realize it because that’s who she is, all as she keeps digging her own grave with reckless mistakes just to egg them on and hurt everyone with the way she’s behaving. It’s all just a big mockery to her. All she does is taunt them with every single decision she makes, it’s nothing but manipulation and targeted attack and it’s been this way since she was a girl.

Pepa feels herself snap with the rage bubbling up inside of her. She’s done. She’s fucking done with this bullshit. This is a new low even for Maria. A new low for someone that she didn’t even have any standards for. Maria has succeeded with the impossible.

“So you chose to be with them instead!? Is that it!? You’re sick of us doing our best for you, so you brought Josefa around a bunch of drunks!?” Agustín yells. “All your mother and I have ever wanted was for you to see how much we love you! But you throw it in our faces again and again!”

“Are you deaf!?” Maria screeches. “I told you, I didn’t come here to hang out with them! I was going for a fucking walk and they approached me! Not the other way around! Why the fuck do you think you have the right to just accuse me of something and scream at me in public before talking to me!?”

Pepa laughs, bitterly.

It’s impossible not to when she hears every word of delusion that Maria spews out. It’s all just a big fucking joke.

“Alright, well enlighten me! If you really wanted to get away from them, then why didn’t you just run away!? Your gift is super speed, for fuck sake! It’s not like they can follow you! I’m tired of the bullshit excuses!”

“I’m not going to use my gift with Josefa in my arms! How stupid are you!? Running with her at that speed can cause brain and spinal injury! Don’t you fucking remember what happened to those flowers when I was six? They got fucking mangled! ” 

“You still could have just said no and walked away but you clearly didn’t try hard enough! And that’s because you absolutely don’t care about Josefa like you should!”

“Think what you fucking want at this point!” Maria says, coldly. “You’re never going to believe me, so what’s the point? I know my truth and I just told you. If you don’t believe me, that’s not my fault.”

It really is like Maria doesn’t even care. She doesn’t care about anything at all except for herself and what she wants to do. Danger is not something she considers at all, it’s clear and has always been clear. Especially with how she spent her earlier teen years running away and drinking alcohol and partying and purposely putting herself in dangerous situations when she should know better. She’s never cared about the danger, she’s never actually used her brain and not cared when they warned her about anything. And then she went and ended up getting herself assaulted and pregnant after being blackout drunk because she didn’t actually care to think about how the other would treat her because she was too stupid and too impulsive to realize the consequences, and then she keeps doing these things anyway. She just wanted immoral fun and rage and alcohol and so much more for the fun of it to rebel out of spite without actually thinking of the consequences of any of it as she clearly didn’t respect herself at all enough to keep herself away from those places. None of this would have ever happened if she had actually just been normal and thought about any of this, but it was all her own fault for choosing not to listen and just wanting to put herself in dangerous situations for fun. Something she is still doing, because not even assault and a baby can make her realize the consequences of her actions.

How does she expect them to believe that she’s capable of caring for Josefa? She can’t. Especially not while there’s alcohol around, and they all know what disaster Maria gets up to when she’s drunk and stops caring. Who brings their baby to a party full of drunks? Maria, that’s who. 

Pepa is disappointed, but not surprised.

There’s no way she’d ever be surprised with all the hell she’d have gone through with her already. But she had been too stupid to ever think that the last of Maria’s foolishness had been her reckless spiteful partying and ending up having a baby without ever being able to know who the father was. And Josefa will be doomed to only have one emotionally absent parent because of her bad luck and horrible behavior and decisions of her mother.

Clearly she had been wrong, because it’s too much to ask for to actually have some expectations from her daughter.

“Well then we need to think about what’s best for Josefa.” Agustín says. “And right now, you’re not what’s best for her. Hand her over.”

The furious look on Maria’s face changes; it’s a look that Pepa has never seen on anyone before, even Maria. This is beyond anger; this is something much worse. The way that Maria is looking at them right now only confirms even further that she’s not safe to be around Josefa. The look on her face brings chills down her spine. It’s a look of someone who is seconds away from snapping, and someone who could commit murder with their bare hands. Maria is about to lose it completely, looking like a rabid dog ready to hurt and injure, to cause pain. She looks utterly delusional and hysterical as she sees her pupils shrink and become small black dots, truly showing the insanity on her face.

Pepa takes a step forward, but she barely even gets to touch Josefa before Maria starts shrieking. The sounds of Maria’s screams almost drown out the sounds of Pepa’s loud thunder. Josefa’s cries are completely drowned out by both. The tension in the air is all she feels, so is the panic as she needs Josefa, she needs to protect her from Maria. She needs to bring her to safety. She needs to rip her away from Maria before it’s too late, because all Maria will ever do is hurt and ruin her. She refuses to let Josefa have a miserable life when she’s got the chance to step in and make sure that she’ll actually be safe and happy when it’s clear that Maria will never be able to do any of that. Maria doesn’t deserve Josefa, she never has. She doesn’t deserve children, people like her don’t. She doesn’t deserve to be responsible for another person, especially when she doesn’t even deserve her child’s love. Josefa shouldn’t have to grow up loving someone who will never love her.

She’s going to end all of this and make everything better for Josefa. And that includes ripping her away from Maria, because Josefa is the one who matters. She’ll make everything better if it’s the last thing she does. Josefa is not going to be hurt the way Pepa has been hurt by Maria. It ends here. If Maria keeps her, Josefa will end up unloved and killed from her recklessness.

Pepa feels a sharp pain in the side of her head as Maria strikes her. She holds Josefa closer to herself. The pain aches and radiates through her as she keeps trying to trip Josefa from her as Maria screeches and makes her ears bleed. It’s like wrestling a jaguar out for blood, Maria unsheathing her claws and showing her true violent colors. It’s only a matter of time until someone dies because of her.

“Don’t you fucking touch my child, you fucking bitch! You’re not having her! You can’t take my child away from me like this! If you come any closer, you’re fucking dead!”

“Maria!” Pepa yells, trying to make herself heard over the sound of thunder, rain and Maria’s violent yelling. She always yells so loud that she makes her ears bleed and she hates it. Everything already spins, the insides of her ears feel like they’re about to explode as everything in her aches as if she’s lost control of her body, barely knowing what’s going on anymore but just knowing that she needs to keep Josefa safe and rip her from Maria before she escalates the situation. Before there’s more blood on her hands and Josefa lays dead on the ground just how Maria had tried to murder Pepa in cold blood that day she’ll never forget. “Don’t make this difficult! Just give her to me!”

Once more, she tries to take Josefa, which only fuels Maria’s rage even more. Pure, unfiltered rage. Maria looks like a caged animal, and Pepa instantly thinks back to the nails in her coffee once more and how she almost killed her. 

Almost killed her. Almost killed her.

She almost killed her once with her intentions clear. Maria has always been a violent emotionless killer and this is her true colors. They’re all a danger with someone like her around.

Just the memory of it makes her spiral and panic. She remembers the look in her face, a wild animal who lashed out to destroy. How close she had been to dying. How Maria would have laughed and celebrated and spit on her corpse if she had succeeded that day. Pepa knows there would have been no remorse.

Maria is out of control. It’s not safe. She’s not safe, and if she’s not safe, then Josefa isn’t safe. Pepa has frozen up when Josefa was in danger once before, she’s not going to let it happen again.

All she knows is that she has to get Josefa out of this situation; she needs to get her away from Maria and home to safety. Each time she tries, she’s assaulted by an out of control Maria as she tries to pry Josefa out of her hands, the two of them fighting over the baby as Maria screams at her to stop. She’s struck over and over again, and at one point, there’s a sharp pain in her arm and the unpleasant sensation of blood beginning to trickle from a wound as she feels her arm violently shaking. Like she’s hurt by a predator trying to pin her down and it makes her grit her teeth through the pain as she moves her body to defend herself without even realizing how. All with the confusion and anger at the realization of what’s happening as she feels warmth drip down her arm.

Maria has bitten her. 

She sees Maria spit the blood onto the ground.

Josefa sobs hysterically as somehow, Pepa manages to pry her from Maria’s grasp. It hadn’t been easy; Maria never lets go of anything without a fight. Pepa’s hands are aching, her fingernails feel like splinters, like they’re physically halfway pried off of her skin. She feels the pulsating ache and pain and the wet at her fingertips as she is stiff yet shaky, with what she thinks is Maria’s skin slightly buried under her nails from fighting. She sees the look in Maria’s eyes, like cracking lightning, like she’s running on adrenaline as she stares at them with gritted teeth. Her arms are red, bruises already forming from Pepa clawing at her. The blood seeps down just as intensely as on Pepa’s own, like they’re two animals in the middle of a violent battle for survival. But Pepa is the one fighting for her life, Maria is the predator only wanting to destroy.

But of course, Maria isn’t finished yet, and she lunges at Pepa in a desperate attempt to get Josefa back, like an animal hunting. But Maria doesn’t manage to reach her; she screeches in fright as she’s tackled to the ground by Agustín. While Maria is strong, Agustín is stronger. At least for now. 

In a year or two, it might be a different story. This is why they need to deal with this situation now. Josefa can’t be raised like this, Pepa won’t allow it. Or else this child will turn out even worse than Maria had, when Maria actually had loving stable parents, which is something that Josefa clearly doesn’t have. And she only has a mother, the ones Josefa has to fall back on instead are Pepa and Agustín. Maria has already given Josefa a horrible start in life from these circumstances alone, but that’s far from all of it.

This is too chaotic, too dysfunctional. No child deserves this. No child deserves to be their mother’s last priority. 

That’s all Maria has shown them tonight; Josefa isn’t her priority and she’s not ready for the responsibility of caring for a human being. She’s never going to be able to understand her either. She doesn’t know how. Josefa deserves a parent who can actually show emotion, instead of an unstable and violent wreck.

Pepa wonders if she really ever was; was Maria simply playing the long game, pretending to care about Josefa to gain her parents’ trust? Was this all some big plot to get her old life back, and to discard Josefa like she never mattered at all? Was it all just a manipulation tactic and fun games to her? Like Josefa was just a bargaining chip to make everyone drop their guard? Did she actually only have a baby as a long con and not because she actually wanted one, so that she could hurt them all in the way that hurt the most when they least expected it?

Pepa doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything anymore. Though she wouldn’t be surprised, because if someone could ever actually be so heartless as to not even loving their own baby but pretending she did in order to hurt others, it would be Maria. If someone has a baby they don’t want just to use them to hurt others, it’s Maria. If someone is unable to love, it’s Maria. Right now, she’s sure of it. She doesn’t know who she’s looking at, but it’s not her daughter. Not anymore.

This isn’t the somewhat pleasant version of Maria that Pepa thought she knew but had apparently been a lie all along to hurt her. This is pre-pregnancy Maria, but somehow even worse. 

It’s as if she’s looking at someone who has never been her daughter at all. As if she’s never actually been her daughter at all, but just been a violent stranger hiding her true self behind a mask of someone else. Like Maria has never existed, and only had the purpose of hurting others and creating havoc and spreading violence and misery. 

This isn’t her daughter. It’s as if she’s never had a daughter in the first place. She’s always had a monster masquerading as a human as she raised her instead.

She’ll always be a monster. She’s always been one, ever since she was born. There’s always been something wrong with her, and this is the proof.

Maria is wild eyed and screaming for all she’s worth; Agustín is struggling to contain her, even more so when Maria outright headbutts him in the face. Blood is pouring from his nose and drips down onto Maria’s dress as she viciously tries to kick him from below in the stomach and in the groin. Pepa wonders if his nose is broken. She shudders, remembering how Maria had broken her nose in a similar fashion when she was only two. They should have known something was off back then already. That should have been enough to show her cruelty, it should have shown what an evil person she was destined to become no matter how much they tried to intervene with love. Because a monster can’t be changed, even with all the love in the world. Not when there’s something broken inside. A normal child doesn’t hurt someone like that at such a young age.

She’s always been abnormal. She’s always been broken. There’s no hope of ever saving someone who can’t be saved, and was destined to torment. She was one of the people who you could only give up on, because nothing could ever redeem them. There’s no saving quality in someone like her.

Remembering it, and seeing it happen to Agustín makes her feel the pain in her nose all over again, even though it’s long healed. The scent of blood overpowers her, so does the sensation of suffocating as she feels hot and warm liquid, as if it’s leaking out her nose, clogging everything, dripping hotly down her face. The disgusting taste in the back of her throat every time she inhales as the blood is pulled back, pooling up into her mouth before she swallows. Making her tremble from the pain.

Like she’s back there. Back there again. With the blood and pain and fear of the monster sleeping under the same roof, sharing her name and her blood. 

She can’t believe they’re back here again, dealing with Maria being so angry and hostile that they can’t manage her. All the while, Maria is screaming obscenities as she lets out violent cries and trying to fight Agustín like her life depends on it while covering both of them in blood, and yelling at Pepa to give her baby back to her. 

No, not a chance. 

Not a fucking chance now when she’s truly umasked her true insanity and the monster she actually was. She’s not going near her ever again. Never fucking again, becomes monsters don’t deserve children, they don’t deserve happiness. They don’t deserve love, because all they can do is cause misery. It’s her own fucking fault.

Josefa is wailing, and the ground around them is soaking wet as the rainstorm is becoming dangerously out of control. Everyone is soaking wet, including Josefa, but Pepa can’t focus enough to notice that right now. Not when Maria is a danger to everyone here, not only Josefa. She’s always been a danger. She’s been a danger sleeping under the same roof as everyone, it was only a matter of time until she lost it completely and hurt everyone that Pepa loved and cared about out of spite and because of her pure joy for causing misery in others. She would have hurt them all without remorse, and it’s worse than anyone could have ever imagined.

They could have all ended up dead in the middle of the night.

All she feels is horror about the whole situation, and helplessness as she watches Maria try to kick Agustín off of her. Agustín stands his ground, pinning his daughter’s arms down so she can’t scratch his face as he tries to tire her out and make her give up because she ends up hurting even more people. If they let her loose, she’d hurt everyone.

He seems to be struggling to handle the kicking. She is truly fighting like a desperate animal as she tries to escape. In the stomach, in his knees, in his groins all to injure him to get the upper hand so that she could hurt him even more. He holds her tight as he keeps struggling but puts his body weight on her as his hands are digging violently into her wrists to the point his hands and her arms have grown pale white.

There’s a pop.

“Calm down!” He shouts at her. She keeps squirming under him, her face seeming to switch between red, to pure white, to blue as she stares and screams at him. Tears of horror and anger rush down her face as she tries to get loose and her kicking becomes more desperate, but Agustín grips her tighter. There’s another scream from Maria as Pepa hears the pop again. Like a longer crunch “This is for your own good! Stop fighting me!”

“Go to hell!” The teenager spits directly into her father’s face, then turns her head towards her mother once more. If looks could kill, Pepa would be dead and buried. She feels the fear inside of her, the chill washing through her entire body. At that moment, she’s genuinely terrified of her own daughter as she sees such an empty and unhinged and insane look on her face. Like she’s completely broken, feeling some type of animalistic horror from her own insanity as she sobs through her angry screams. “Give her back to me! I didn’t do anything wrong! I don’t deserve this! Josefa wants me! She needs me!”

“Is this what she needs!?” Pepa finds herself screaming back. “All you’re doing is proving that you are the last person she needs!” 

Everyone around them is staring; people have left their houses to see what all the noise and commotion is about, and even the drunken teenagers are quiet as they’re watching it all unfold. 

Thunder cracks above them as Pepa is in a state of complete overwhelm. It’s too loud, too chaotic, too much. Josefa is screaming in her ear and she can barely concentrate. Sensations blur together, her mind and aches nothing but a storm. Just like the one around them as she feels herself burst.

This feels like one of her nightmares; the ones that happen after she passes out from a bout of insomnia. She can’t escape them, she can’t wake up no matter how hard she tries, and no one else can help her either. 

She’s trapped. She feels like a cornered animal.

An animal having no way to escape death.

Behind her, she hears another voice. One that she isn’t sure is a blessing or a curse right now.

Things are about to get even more complicated.

“What is going on!?”

Mamá.

Alma has obviously heard the thunder, seen the rain and when it only worsened, showing no signs of stopping, she feared something terrible had happened.

And something terrible has happened. Maria is out of control. Yet again, they’re going to have to try to handle a child who has no remorse, no respect and no care for others. She’s a danger to everyone. Her insanity has evolved into something completely unmanageable.

Maria can hate them all she wants, that doesn’t matter, but now there’s Josefa to think about. Maria isn’t thinking of Josefa at all. Maria’s feelings are the last of her concerns when there’s Josefa. Right now, Josefa means more than Maria ever would.

Josefa, who is soaking wet and shivering all because Maria had caused this mess and made Pepa distressed. 

“She’s drinking again, mamá!” Pepa yells over the sound of the rain. She feels the pain in her voice from the power she needs to use to be heard. “We have to take Josefa from her! It’s for her own safety!”

“I wasn’t!” Maria wails. “ I fucking wasn’t! I didn’t drink anything and I told you I can prove it! You just attacked me and took her! I want my baby!”

Maria’s cries are weaker, and she’s barely moving anymore. She tries, she writhes and really does her best to get out, but it’s not working. The rage has clearly exhausted her, but Agustín still has her pinned as she sobs underneath him. She’s not getting out of there. She is not going to harm Josefa.

“She’s lying!” Pepa is as hysterical now as Maria had been mere minutes ago; she’s lost control, and she can’t regulate her emotions at all. She looks just like Maria when she’s throwing one of her fits, but she’s so desperate that she can’t stop herself. What’s more, the weather is practically at hurricane level. It’s a miracle that everyone is still standing in this wind. She’s shaking, she can barely stand straight as she shivers and feels her leg almost give out as she can’t focus. “Can’t you see that she’s lying!? She always is and you know it! That’s all she’s good for!”

Maria lied to her. She lied to her again. Pepa feels so betrayed that it physically hurts inside.

It hurts more than it’s ever hurt before.

Maria is going to keep lying. That’s all she’ll ever do. Maria doesn’t care about her or anyone else. She doesn’t know how to care for someone like a normal person. This is all just a game to her. And her favorite pastime is always hurting Pepa, no matter what. It’s her greatest ambition, her one goal. To always torment Pepa as much as she could for her own amusement, like she sees her own mother as subhuman.

Pepa will never be able to trust her. All she wanted was to be able to trust her. but she can't. It’s too much. This hurts too much. She’ll never be able to trust her ever again. Not after this breach of trust, and this level of violence. Pepa is never going to feel safe sleeping in the same house as her ever again, not when she’s seen what she really is deep down. She’s just a devil in disguise.

Maria is now still and unmoving; she’s passed out. She’d gone into a blackout rage and passed out; Pepa remembers the nails in her coffee, and Maria needing to be sedated after.

This feels so much like that, and it’s terrifying. Seeing the aftermath of her untamed rage as she spirals, truly showing what level of evil and cruel violence that she’s capable of when she loses it all. The true level of her lack of remorse, and just how far she’d go to hurt people she wants to torment. How she can’t control her emotions, and how everyone is a danger near her and will never be safe.

The blood is leaking from the puncture wounds in her arm. It leaks from the scratch marks where her nails have dug painfully into her skin and drawn blood.

She’s a fool. She’s a fool for thinking that Maria could change. She’s a fool for ever believing in a person like that, and she’s stupid for letting herself be manipulated when she should know better with Maria. She should have known someone as broken as her would never change, and that she’ll just suffer in the end. All trusting Maria has done is causing a complete mess.

And Josefa is paying the price. 

Alma assesses the situation, frowning as she looks up at the cloud above Pepa’s head. She looks worried. Why does she look so worried right now? When she looks at her and not Maria who is passed out in the mud?

“Give me the baby, Pepa.”

What?

What the hell is her mother trying to do? Why is Pepa suddenly being punished for this? For saving Josefa’s life?

“No!” Pepa holds Josefa closer to her. She can’t let Josefa go; she’s not safe with Maria. She isn’t safe with anyone else, not even Alma. If she was, then Alma would have scolded Maria and not fallen for her lies so easily. She would have let Pepa hold her because she would know that Pepa is the only one that Josefa is safe with right now. If Pepa hands Josefa to someone else then she is in danger and the world will crumble and everything will be for nothing. Josefa needs her, she needs to be there for Josefa. She needs to have her in her arms so she can protect her since no one else can. Can’t Alma tell that Maria is managing to manipulate her even when she’s passed out? That’s how good she is at it, that’s how good she’s at ruining everything and making people believe it when they shouldn’t.

Alma steps forward; her face is tight. Pepa can’t tell exactly what it is she’s feeling, but it’s obvious that she’s not happy. That in itself makes Pepa panic even more. What is she missing? Why is she looking at her like this? Why now when the threat is eliminated right now and she’s made sure that everyone is safe and happy?

Why is mamá trying to take Josefa away from Pepa when she’s the one doing the right thing? No one knows Maria the way that she and Agustín do. Only they know what’s right and what’s wrong. She holds Josefa tighter as she stares at her as she feels the confusion, not understanding any of it as she simply knows that she needs to protect Josefa at all cost.

“I wasn’t asking!” Alma yells, simply to make herself heard as the thunder and the rain is even louder. She can barely breathe through the thickness of the rain pouring down. Why is she yelling? Why is she yelling at her like this? “You’re in no fit state to be holding her, and I need to make sure she’s safe!”

What is she even hearing right now? She’s in no fit state!? She’s not the one who brought an infant into this mess! Maria did that, not her! 

Pepa is trying to protect Josefa, not harm her! She just saved her and she needs to keep her safe because no one else would and without her then Josefa would be in danger and she’d be hurt. She can’t let that happen. Josefa needs her. Josefa needs her more than ever before because Pepa is the only one who will ever understand and the only one who can actually protect her and give her what she needs. She knows that Josefa needs her. She has to keep her safe in this mess. She needs to keep her safe.

“No!” Pepa holds onto Josefa for dear life; she can’t trust anyone. She can’t even trust her own mother, not when she doesn’t know the whole story. She’s unsafe. She’s just as unsafe as everyone else. Just as unsafe as Maria. She can’t hold Josefa when she doesn’t understand. She’d just put her in danger and Pepa can’t have that. Not when Josefa needs to be safe. Not when she needs to protect her because no one else ever would.

Alma is persistent, and she tries to take the screaming child from Pepa’s arms as she keeps standing there shocked. For a split second she doesn’t understand what’s going on, then she tenses up as the panic wells up inside of her again as he feels the insane fear rush through her and turn into anger once more. It’s an anger born from a desperate fear, an ancient maternal instinct to protect no matter what as she feels herself lose herself to it and the pure terror. She’s Josefa’s lifeline, she can’t let go now.. Everything is a blur, and all Pepa knows is that she can’t let Josefa go. She can’t. She needs to keep her safe, and she doesn’t realise how the cloud above her head is starting to spark with electricity. 

All she can focus on is keeping Josefa where she will be the safest; right in the arms of her abuela. Nowhere else. No one else could protect her the same. No one else understands. She’ll be wrapped around her as she shields her from an outside world like a true mother would. Pepa fights for her and protects her just as desperately as she would any of her own children. It’s life or death, no one will take Josefa from her when she needs protection and safety.

And all Alma is trying to do is stop that from happening, and Pepa can’t let her do that. So she struggles, she struggles and she fights, going as far as trying to kick her mother away from her. With the full force of her back leg as adrenaline took over. Like a horse who has been cornered, threatened and with nowhere to go. Like prey ready to fight to escape and survive. Just like Maria had tried to fight her off. She’ll do anything, she’ll do anything to keep Josefa safe. That’s all that matters, all she thinks about. Keep her safe above all else, and keep everyone else away from her before it’s too late.

Suddenly, she feels a sharp pain as Alma’s hand collides with her cheek, and for a second, time stands still.

Confusion. Shock and confusion as the pain radiating. The loud noise rushing through the air, quick, finite, firm, and it takes her mind half a second to process truly where it came from, and the correlation to the pain.

And the shock grows. And so does the disgust and betrayal and the realization as the ache rushes through her cheek and makes everything feel warm and sore.

Mamá slapped her. 

Not a light slap, either. It had been hard. So hard that the sound of it had been clear, even over the torrential rain. That’s what she’s heard. Loud, violent, angry. With intention to hurt and injure. To make everything unsafe.

The shock of it is enough to stop the struggle, and Alma takes the sobbing infant from Pepa’s arms without issue as she temporarily loses function of her arms. Everything is too heavy, her arms are stiff. There’s no muscle. Nothing she can move. She’s just there, paralyzed. 

Alma manages to get Josefa out of the way just in time, as a lightning strike hits the ground. For half a second, she’s blinded as all of her vision goes pure white. So white that her eyes feel like they’re bleeding from the intensity of the unnatural whiteness, immediately followed by the loud boom that assaults her eardrums at the epicenter of the storm. Lightning is one of, if not the most dangerous drawback of Pepa’s gift.

It’s the hardest thing for Pepa to control, and it’s very hard to spot for people who don’t know her. And unfortunately, if Pepa is in a bad state, she can’t predict it either. Not until it’s already struck down right in front of her.

All Pepa can do is stare tearfully at her mother, her cheek stinging from the impact and the tears filling in her eyes as she doesn’t know what’s going on. All there is is sadness, and pure hurt and betrayal. It’s as if she’s felt her own mother stab her right in the heart, betraying her at her most vulnerable moment.

Mamá has yelled at her, scolded her, even outright berated her at times. More so in Pepa’s childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. 

Alma has a sharp tongue and a short fuse, capable of making grown men cry. Pepa has experienced her mother’s anger more times than she can count. She remembers being close to tears, or crying and feeling miserable for weeks. It’s a sensation she’ll never be able to forget.

But never in her life has she been hit by her mother, not even as a teenager and her rebellious streak had been at its worst. Neither Bruno nor Julieta had either. Never intentionally like this. The closest Alma had ever come to slap any of them was her slapping Bruno’s hand away from the open flame of the stove when they were like four, and that was out of fear to make sure he wasn’t burned. Other than that, none of them had ever been hit.

Pepa wouldn’t have been as surprised at receiving a slap back then; there are plenty of times where she’d have deserved it. Her attitude and backtalk had been ridiculous, and she had seen the anger in her mother’s eyes some of the times that had made her expect one, but it had never come. But now, she’s hurt, stunned and confused, because she doesn’t know what she’s done that’s so wrong. She doesn’t know why she’s been slapped after doing the only right thing and trying to keep Josefa safe. Pepa thought that Alma of all people would understand the importance of keeping family away from danger, and keeping danger far away no matter what.

Agustín is on his feet and by his wife’s side in an instant; his anger has reignited, triggered by seeing his mother-in-law slap his wife around the face. She sees the fury and worry on him as he looks at the scene. Blood is still dripping down his nose. His vest that Julieta and Félix had gotten him for Christmas is stained red from blood and brown from the mud, and ripped and torn from rubble and pure force. Pepa had gotten a matching dress, and now the set is ruined. The blood might not be able to be washed out, and the tears might make it impossible to repair.

He gently holds Pepa’s face as he inspects the damage; Pepa of course can’t see it for herself, but judging by how much it stings, her cheek is bound to be bright red. The look of horror and outrage on Agustín’s face confirms that.

“What the fuck was that!?” Agustín snaps, turning to glare at Alma. “What did you do that for!?”

Alma’s gaze is stern and authoritative; if she feels remorse for what she’s just done, she’s hiding it well. Right now, she looks furious. 

But not furious with Maria, as Pepa expected. 

No, she’s furious with her and Agustín. That much is clear when she speaks. Even when she shouldn’t be. It’s Maria who is in the wrong, not them.

“Pepa, Agustín, I don’t say this often and I do not like saying this and meaning it, but what in the actual world is wrong with you?!?”

Alma screams the last words as she holds Josefa in a tight grip like her life depends on it. Pepa still feels the pain and the panic from how Alma had needed to pry Josefa from Pepa’s hands. Her cheek feels numb and red, she’s too tense to even shake as the pain lingers and she suddenly feels small, terrified and defenseless, as she feels pure anger and pure betrayal at what has happened. She can barely comprehend it. Her mother has never laid a hand on her before, and feeling it now, even as an adult has awakened a new type of fear in her that makes her feel cold as ice, and as terrified as a paralyzed animal unable to do anything as the hurt grows stronger in her chest and makes her heart aches. All she feels is the pain, the ringing in her ear, and the disbelief as she sees anger in her mother’s face, anger she doesn’t understand as all she’s done is save Josefa, and instead her mother has hit her for it. The rain grows stronger, the panic is increasing, and she tenses up startled as lightning strikes between them, the very air smelling of static afterwards as she’s too tense and terrified to even cry. All she feels is shock and unease, and how all of this is a nightmare as she hears Josefa’s crying, feels the sting in her arms from Maria’s nails having dug into it so hard it drew blood, and she sees the disheveled look of Agustín, and sees Maria passed out on the ground.

The whispers of everyone around is too much, everyone is staring, too many eyes. Too many eyes have seen her being hit and she doesn’t know why, she doesn’t know why as she’s panicking, unable to contain anything as she’s afraid of conjuring a hurricane if this keeps up. She can’t even cry, she can’t even cry. It’s as if time stands still and all she can think about is the anger from her mother, and what she must have done wrong. Because she must have done something wrong. She’s always done something wrong and she can’t hide from it, even when she wants to help. It’s always her fault, it’s always her fault, it’s always her fault and now her mother has struck her in public and she’s panicking, and her daughter has passed out and has attacked everyone. She’s unsafe, she’s unsafe. She’s put Josefa in danger and she needed to protect her because Maria would have hurt her, she would have endangered her because Maria always does everything wrong and you can never trust her, all she does is hurt you over and over when you least expect it and when you think you’re finally safe because it’s all an act, it’s always an act and she doesn’t love anyone and she doesn’t love her daughter and will never change and she doesn’t care, all she does is hurt, she hurts others. Pepa is hurt, Pepa has been hurt by her again just like the nails and now her mother is like Maria, she doesn’t know why, she doesn’t know why when she’s the one hurt and Josefa is the one hurt and she just wants to protect her and Maria can’t be a mother at all.

Alma asks what’s wrong with her. Just like everyone else always had. Like decades of their relationship improving was all a lie. It’s all a lie, it’s always a lie. She can never trust anyone. Her mother has lied and acted just like Maria to make her believe she could trust her just to hurt her again, especially now when she’s hurt her in public. Pepa can’t trust anyone, she can never be loved, no one loves her, they all want to hurt her when she just wants people to be safe. It’s the same, it’s always the same, she feels the fear ache in her chest, her breathing becoming quicker as she feels the hatred her own mother absolutely has simply from Pepa existing, the same hatred she knows Maria has for her because that girl loves no one and has wanted Pepa dead for years she knows it, she knows not even her own family loves her and now the entire village will know. This is what they truly think of her and always would. She’s not wanted, she’s not loved. That’s never going to change.

Everything is a blur. It’s all a blur and she wants to die.

“What the fuck are you even on about? You hit Pepa for no reason!” Agustín shouts, looking like he’s ready to fight. Pepa shivers, she’s panicking. Josefa is still crying as Alma holds her. He’s the only one that gets it, somehow the entire world seems to want to hurt them, they don’t see how much they care about Josefa. It’s all thankless, it’s all violent. It’s all chaos and judgement when they’re only doing what’s best. They don’t see the danger. Maria has still fooled them all, they think she’s innocent, like she’s perfect and not a danger and now she and Agustín are the bad guys when they’re the parents who have raised children and know what’s dangerous and what’s not. They need to be listened to because they just know. This is just like when Alma invalidated everything and everything with Karina, she doesn’t get it, she really doesn't’ and tries to step in the way when they’re just protecting their granddaughter. If she doesn’t protect her then no one else will.

“Because I could see that Pepa was five seconds away from a lightning strike, and I was right! Do you think I wanted to hit her? Lightning was going to strike down and she was holding a baby and refused to give her to me! You know that she’s been struck by her own lightning too! Josefa is drenched in water already and she’s a baby and that could have killed her if she was closer! She was in danger and no one else did anything!”

“We did do something!” Pepa hears Agustín shout. She’s still too shocked to speak herself. Her mouth is tied. She can’t speak even if she wants to. Her body is telling her to scream, but nothing comes out. She wants to vomit, feeling bile in her throat, but she can’t do that either. All she hears is Agustín screaming. “Maria was a danger to Josefa, so we took her from her because we had to! I get the lightning but you can’t just say that we did nothing when we actually stepped in this time! You can’t tell we didn’t do something good in this mess!”

“Did you though? Did you actually do something good right now?”

Alma is holding Josefa close. Josefa is still crying. Pepa is in disbelief. What is happening? Why is this happening? Why are they screaming at each other? Why are they screaming? Why is she mad at them? She shouldn’t be mad when they’ve done the right thing all along. She’s kept her safe. All she’s done was keep Josefa safe.

“What is that supposed to mean? Of course we did! Maria is drinking again!”

“Is she?”

“Yes! It’s obvious she is! Just look at this mess! You know her!”

“Did you ask her?!”

“What’s there to ask! You can see it straight away!”

“All that I could see was the two of you attacking your daughter to the point of her bleeding and passing out and stealing her baby simply by accusations that she’s had no chance to defend herself against! She kept screaming that she hadn’t, and instead of letting her prove it you just assumed the worst and made a big mess everywhere outside and you escalated everything when there wasn’t a reason to do that yet!”

“Her friends are right here! They were drinking and smoking!”

“But you didn’t know for sure if she was! Did you even talk to her? No you didn’t, and now there’s a hurricane and we’re all wet and Julieta is going to need to mash some foods so that she won’t get a fever! You’re not in the right space to do anything right now, you’re acting erratic! You’re stuck in the moment and you don’t even realize that you’re frozen up and that you’re not good for Josefa right now! You can’t really tell what needs to be done right now or that you’re covered in your own daughter’s blood! This is just like when Josefa choked last month and you didn’t do anything! You didn’t see the danger then and not now either! And you already made Maria pass out, so now I had to step in because you made it so that she couldn’t when you weren’t even aware of the danger you put her in!”

“Well Maria passed out because she attacked me and Pepa when we’re only doing the right thing! If she was actually innocent she wouldn’t have attacked us! If she had nothing to lose she wouldn’t have fought! And her behavior was insane and erratic! Me and Pepa are bleeding because of her! She was like an animal!”

“Well anyone would have attacked and fought like a wild animal if their baby was about to be stolen! I know I would have if someone had tried to take my triplets from me like that! It’s obvious why she fought you! She’s a mother and you tried to take Josefa from her without even talking to her! Call her an animal, but that’s the truth! We’re all animals, and animals will kill if they need to defend their young! If she fought so hard that she literally passed out to protect Josefa, then it’s clear that you’ve done something wrong here! And you can’t use bleeding as an argument when she’s bleeding because of the both of you too!”

Pepa can’t fully take in everything that’s being said. It’s too many words, too many emotions. It’s so much that she feels like she’s going to pass out herself. 

No one listens, no one wants to listen. She isn’t important enough to listen to. No one cares. No one ever cares and never will. She’s left alone with the panic and the thoughts and the dread about swallowing her whole body, like she feels like she’ll suffocate and like her brain is about to explode. Like she’s choking on her own panic as she doesn’t even understand what is happening or where she is. Not really. All she knows is that she’s alone and worthless and hurt and that’s all she’s good for.

She can’t speak. Agustín is speaking for her. 

“We could have talked about it if she’d just calmed down!” Agustín says; his voice is raised and more violent. It makes Pepa tense up even more, pulling her arms towards her chest to prevent herself from hyperventilating. “But she resorted to violence like she always does! Did you really expect me to stand by and watch as Maria scratched and bit her mother!? You accuse us of making accusations and coming to conclusions, but that’s no different from what you’re doing to us right now! You weren’t here to witness the whole incident! I’m not going to let anyone assault my wife, be that Maria or you! Do you see the bite marks on Pepa’s arm!? The claws and scratches? Do you see how red her cheek is from where you slapped her!? If you think I’m going to stand for that, you’re fucking mistaken!”

“How did you think she was going to react to someone violently trying to rip her baby from her when Josefa almost died less than a month ago!? When you were the cause of that no less? And have you even seen that Maria is bleeding everywhere, that her lips are fucking blue and that her wrists are too and that they’re already getting fucking swollen? I think they’re broken! Did you just decide to ignore all of that too?!”

Pepa’s ability to speak has left her completely. She’s shaking and crying; her body doesn’t even feel like hers anymore. She feels like she’s not even here. She feels like one of the spectators in the crowd, except she’s the only one who isn’t whispering. 

Even the whispers are deafening to her. 

The comment about Maria’s swollen wrists makes her relieve the sound of the long pops and cracks, the slight loud tear in the air. The noise that almost made her lose her lunch. The crunch as if something was shattered.

It’s her fault. All her fault. Everything is always her fault. 

She just wants to go home and hide in bed. At least there, she’ll be out of the way and unable to cause any more problems. 

That’s all mamá thinks of her as, after all; a problem. That will never change, no matter what she does. She is not even wanted here and that’s clear. She’s never been.

What’s the point?

What’s the point when it’s clear that Alma only wants her to die? All she’s good for is causing pain and accidents and ruining everyone’s lives. It would be better if she just killed herself and got it over with. Then everyone would finally be happy. She’s not good for anything anyway. She’s not even good at being herself.

She’s just worthless. She’ll always be worthless. She’s never going to be loved. Her mere existence has always been regretted. She’s always been wrong. There’s no other way to ever explain any of this. And it makes her wish for death even more, just to end this misery and this ache and guilt inside of her. She’s tired of being in pain and hurt from simply living. From simply existing when no one wants her to.

“We apologised for that! We spoke to the triplets! We’ve let Maria supervise our every move!” Agustín says. “We’ve done literally everything that she’s asked of us! Why is it so wrong to want some respect in return? She doesn’t respect us at all! If she did, she wouldn’t have lied to us just now! You know how Maria is around these people! We know we fucked up, but that doesn’t mean she can do whatever she wants and we have to sit back and let her endanger Josefa! We had no other choice but to do this! You should have seen how she attacked Pepa!”

“But you don’t know that she was endangering her!” Alma snaps. “That’s the whole point! I can’t believe that I need to keep repeating myself! The fact you keep talking about respect when you’re not respecting her! You know how anxious she’s been after what happened! She can’t even leave Josefa’s side to use the bathroom! It’s obvious that she’s traumatised after witnessing her child almost die! In what world did you think it was a good idea to take her baby away when you know she’s been feeling like that!? And then attack her like that at the same time?!? How dare you! Both of you! She lost control because she felt like all control was being taken away from her! She felt unsafe and she felt like Josefa was unsafe! If that had happened to me when you were that age someone would have probably died without me even intending to cause harm! It’s absolutely terrifying after such a situation! The least you could have done is taken her home, sat her down and listened to her side of the story! There was no reason to take Josefa away like that! And after the way you’ve behaved, you’re not having Josefa anywhere near you for the rest of the night! You clearly can’t keep her safe and I can’t trust you not to hurt her either, and I am not going to let you near her either when it’s clear that Maria wouldn’t want to either! She will sleep in my room, only because Maria needs to rest and recover! Once Maria is feeling better, Josefa will be back with her, and I don’t care how much you argue about it! Agustín, pick Maria up and carry her. We’re going home.”

Mamá has spoken. The crowd is still whispering. 

Although Agustín looks like he wants to argue, he picks Maria up and begins to carry her. Similar to how he used to carry the children to bed when they’d been small.

The crowd is still whispering as they walk away. 

Well, almost all of them.

Miguel shouts what sounds like an obscenity in their general direction, and then bursts out laughing afterwards. 

Agustín is pale and silent, and Pepa’s legs feel wobbly as she starts to walk back to Casita. No one speaks; Josefa’s cries have weakened and she’s snuggled in Alma’s arms, sucking on her fist to comfort herself. It’s absolutely clear that she’s uncomfortable and miserable, but she’s cried herself out. It’s not a sight anyone wants to see on a baby.

Maria is still unconscious in Agustín’s arms.

No one speaks at all until they get home. 

And the first one to speak is Alma. 

“Agustín, put Maria to bed and come straight back. There’s no way this conversation is finished.” As Agustín does as he’s told, clearly too numb to argue, Alma turns to Pepa. “I am going to get Julieta to give you an arepa for your face and your arms, and you are going to eat it. Agustín will get one for his injuries too. And then you are going to listen to every word I say very carefully. I will be back after I move Josefa’s crib into my room and put her to bed.”

Pepa feels like she’s six years old again, being scolded and berated. She can’t talk even if she felt like she’d be allowed to. She’s never allowed to feel anything. She’s never allowed to think anything. She’s never allowed a voice or an opinion. She thought all of that had changed, but apparently not. It’s all the same. She’s not allowed to exist. She even gets living wrong.

She’s still that six year old little girl. She’s bad no matter what she does. She’s bad, and she’s not wanted around at all. Mamá hasn’t changed like she believed she had. It’s all been a lie. It’s always a lie. She’s never going to trust her again, not when she’s wounded her so irreparably. 

She doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. Her body feels so heavy and achy, and her soaking wet dress is clinging uncomfortably to her skin. She’s so distressed and uncomfortable that she can’t even cry right now. Even that act is too much as her insides are screaming.

She just wants to sleep and never wake up.

Still, she stays where she is. She isn’t strong enough to face the consequences of running away.

She barely registers Julieta showing up and putting an arepa into her hand.

“What happened?” Julieta asks. 

Pepa shakes her head. 

Can’t speak, can’t speak, can’t speak.

She bites into the arepa, but it’s dry, tasteless and hard to swallow. She almost chokes on it as it refuses to go down her throat at first. It feels like a big lump of nothing growing in her mouth, feeling uncomfortable as it finally slips down her throat. It’s almost impossible to not vomit it right back up.

Julieta doesn’t force the issue. She knows full well that her sister can’t speak right now, and there’s no point in forcing it. She leaves once she’s satisfied that Pepa’s wounds are healed. 

She’s alone for a few minutes, and during that time, she feels a little stronger. She’s pretty sure she’s regained the ability to speak.

She’s running on her own anger and feelings of injustice. 

She’s furious. She’s furious with Maria, and she’s furious with mamá. She tried to protect Josefa; she’d failed to protect her before. She thought she was doing the right thing, and all she got was bitten and clawed and hit and slapped for it. And worst of all, she got spoken down to like a child and made to feel like a piece of shit. 

Agustín and Alma return from upstairs at the same time. Agustín stands beside Pepa and slips his hand into hers, squeezing it lightly as Alma stands in front of them. It reminds Pepa of the time the pair of them broke her favourite vase when they were nine and ten, ready to be scolded.

They got a tongue lashing then, and they’re going to get one now. Alma is rarely one to disappoint. That scolding had been deserved and about being careful running around and mind of their surroundings. This scolding would not be like that. It wouldn’t be deserved at all. They would be scolded for helping to keep Josefa safe.

“You two should be ashamed of yourselves. What were you even thinking?”

And here goes mamá, going on and on about everything the two of them have done wrong. It’s constant, and she doesn’t seem to stop to even take a breath. And she’s repeating things that she’s already said several times tonight already, like she thinks that the message won’t sink  in unless she does. Like she thinks of them as some children who can’t actually understand anything.

How they were wrong, how they didn’t listen, how their actions had been unacceptable. 

She’s still going after what feels like hours.

“…and to do that in public no less. Think of the embarrassment!”

She finally stops talking, and Pepa feels her blood boil. 

Of course it’s all about what everyone else thinks. It’s about what the villagers think and no one else. Of course of it. She shouldn’t have expected any different from mamá. She’s not changed at all. She’s never going to change, not when she never actually thinks of family. She only thinks of what she wants. Family will never be prioritized, not if they’re not exactly like Alma wants them to be.

“Is that all you think about? How everyone watching is embarrassing for you and the family? As if it wasn’t embarrassing enough for us to have to do that.” Pepa says, the heat rising in her cheeks from the irritation and outright anger.

“No, I’m saying, think of the embarrassment that Maria was feeling.”

“Maria? What about us? That was more embarrassing than anything she’s ever done to us before.”

“This is not about you, and the only thing you have the right to be embarrassed about is your own behavior. Think of Maria. She had done nothing wrong that you knew of, and in there you went and started accusing her of the most heinous things imaginable and giving her an ungrounded lecture in front of the entire village! Out of nowhere and catching her off guard as you say such vile things that you should never say to your child. How do you think she felt having you spew all of that in front of the entire village.”

“And how do you know that Maria didn’t exaggerate everything?” Pepa says. “How do you know she wasn’t exaggerating everything to get sympathy from you and to make me and her father look like shit? She always does stuff like that! She hates us, so doing that would be a fun activity for her! You know she loves hurting us! It’s fun for her!” 

“I heard what you said right before I got there, Pepa. You said, and I quote: ‘Is this what she needs? All you are doing is proving that you’re the last person she needs’. In what universe is that okay to say to your own child? Yes, Maria has said unforgivable things to you in the past, but she’s the child, and you are the parent. She’s a teenager nonetheless, and I can remember your own foul mouth and anger issues as a teen. That doesn’t mean someone is a monster or a lost cause! It’s your job as her parent to set an example for her! And let's not forget what else you said. ‘She’s lying! Can’t you see that she’s lying! She always is and you know it! That’s all she’s good for!’. Don’t you remember how it felt when no one understood you, and how they made up their minds about you before even giving you a chance? I was guilty of that myself! I was until you were an adult and Agustín had to scream at me before I finally realized that I was the problem. I admit that and I’ve been doing my best for almost twenty years since then to be better and to listen to you and understand you and how you’re feeling while owning up to my mistakes because I know how it hurt you and I went to counseling for that too, but right now you’re being a hypocrite. You’re doing the very thing that you hated being done to you. Whatever Maria has done in the past, what you said to her isn’t okay and it never will be! What would you say if I still held your teenage rebellion against you to this day? And you did it in front of people who already judge her and think she isn’t capable! All you’ve done is given them more reason to think that! You’ve put a target on her back and made her life ten times harder! Now they have even more of a reason not to believe in her! She’s going to be even more of a scapegoat than she already is, and how do you think that she will feel about all of this as she gets older and wants to be her own person and you’ve already made the village define her for something? What I don’t understand is that up until this point, you and Agustín had her back and wanted everyone to see what a good mother you thought she was! Why does that change because of something that wasn’t even her fault in the first place?”

Pepa feels sick to her stomach. She’s can’t answer any of that. Hearing her own words repeated back to her makes her feel like she’s been punched in the stomach with an icy fist. It hurts. It hurts to know that she lost control to such a degree that she became the thing that she hated. 

She finds her voice again, but this time it’s small and feeble. 

“I was angry. I was upset. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“There was no other way you could have meant that, Pepa.” Alma says, flatly. She isn’t falling for this weak excuse. Because that’s what this is; a weak excuse. Deep down she knows that. “Again, you’re a hypocrite to use that as an excuse. Maria was upset and angry, so she lashed out just as you did. And when you took Josefa away from her, you escalated those feelings within her and turned them into something that she couldn’t control. She passed out. You fought and injured her in public. People were watching you making each other bleed. What I’m hearing from you is that it’s okay for you to be upset and angry and to lash out, but she can’t do the same when, unlike you, she had a legitimate reason for it. Especially when she literally said that she was willing to prove that she hadn’t been drinking, but you just ignored that too. We both know Maria, if she had been drinking she wouldn’t have told us that she’d be able to prove that she hadn’t. She never hid it when she was drinking when she got caught. She kept trying to prove it several times but it fell on deaf ears, that shows that you don’t trust her even when she’s willing to show you proof because you’ve already made up your mind about seeing her as a disappointment. You need to actually give her some trust.”

Agustín speaks up now; he seems to feel just as badly as Pepa does, but he still has some fight left in him. 

“And if she had been drinking, what then? How are we meant to immediately trust that kind of scenario when we know her history? She put nails in our coffee, she made our lives hell for years. You can’t expect us to forget that just because things have been better for about a year.”

“Why can’t I?” Alma replies. “You were willing to. You were willing to forget all of that as long as she was behaving in a way you deemed acceptable. As soon as you saw something you didn’t like, you withdrew your forgiveness and made her into the villain without even listening to her side of the story like she didn’t deserve sympathy at all. You think that’s a fair and acceptable way to treat someone? Because I certainly don’t. If, like you say, she had been drinking, you sit her down and ask her why and what made her feel like she had to turn to that. Especially since we’ve all been worried about her mental health, and you know what drinking could be a sign of then. You know how Julieta almost killed herself after Antonia was born. It would absolutely not be to spite someone in this scenario, you better believe that. You talk about it because that would be worrying, and you focus on why she feels like she had to turn to it. You don’t just scream at her in the street in front of everyone. You don’t start tackling her and fight her in the mud. That’s what children do.”

Pepa feels her eyes burning with tears. Everything she’s done tonight hits her all at once and weighs uncomfortably on her chest. It’s too much to handle and it’s getting harder to breathe.

“We really thought we knew what was going on. We thought she wasn’t keeping Josefa safe. We felt like we had to scream at her to make her realise what kind of danger Josefa was in.”

“You’re just expecting the worst of her.” Alma says. “Trust me, that won’t make your relationship any better. All it’s going to do is push her further away. That’s what happened to us. Think of this, you started fighting her, not only by screaming at her, but physically as well and caught her off guard when she was already vulnerable and angry. Now she can’t even trust that you’re not just going to start hitting her at random. How is that going to build trust?”

Pepa sniffs, and Agustín gives her hand another reassuring squeeze, even though his is shaking. Both their hands are shaking.

“If you actually want her to be better than you have to actually trust what she says until she gives you solid proof into why you shouldn’t. Just seeing her with a group of people you don’t like isn’t evidence, especially when she’s willing to prove that she’s not been drinking. Maria isn’t an extension of you, and she won’t always behave in the way you expect, and I mean that in either a good or a bad way. You need to respect her as a mother and an individual and stop assuming that she’s going to do everything wrong. That attitude is going to push her into bad behaviour even more. If her own parents don’t believe in her, what’s the point in being good? Especially if everyone is just going to believe that all she does is wrong and that she can never change, most of all her own parents. That’s like you’ve already given up on her, and she will pick up on that. She absolutely has. It’s not all on her to be better, you need to change your attitude and do it fast. Otherwise she’s not going to believe there’s a point in trying, and that’s not what we want when she has a baby.”

The tears flow freely now, and the cloud above her head drizzles. She feels like a five year old in time out, but not only that, she feels so lost. 

This isn’t the first time she’s fucked up since Josefa was born. This is one of the worst instances of it, but there have been several times where she’s not used her brain and felt remorse later. Not understanding Maria when she said she missed her friends, waking Josefa from her nap that time, the choking incident, and now this. 

She thought she was a good mother, but maybe she isn’t. Maybe she never was. Not with all of this evidence to go by. She’s horrible, she’s a danger. She shouldn’t have had children at all because all she’s doing is making their lives miserable. Why would anyone ever want to have her as a mother when she’s just such a big waste of space?

All she can do is stand there and cry.

“Pepa, why the tears?” Alma doesn’t sound overly angry anymore. She sounds tired and done with this. 

“I feel bad. I feel guilty and I feel like a bad mother.” Pepa sniffs. She knows she has no right to cry. She knows she’s making herself into the victim when she has no right. She’s made herself the laughingstock of the village again, and she’s set Maria up for failure again by making her even more of a scapegoat as well. She can’t help how she feels and right now, she feels so bad. Her emotions and the guilt are suffocating her. Right now, she doesn’t want to be herself. She wants to be someone else. Someone who doesn’t keep hurting the people she loves. “Julieta gets everything right all the time, and I bet you’re wishing how I was more like her right now. Just like you always did when I did something wrong.”

She knows she’s being ridiculous and selfish, but the way she’s been scolded has put her back into the place that deep down, she thinks she deserves. The fuck up, the one who gets it all wrong, a bad mother. If she was actually a good mother, she wouldn’t have gotten into this situation with Maria in the first place. She shouldn’t have had her own mother spell all of this out for her.

She hates herself. She hates herself for what happened and she hates herself for feeling sorry for herself, when in reality, this is all her fault to begin with. The way she’s acting even after realising her wrongs is appalling. 

There’s something wrong with her. No wonder mamá slapped her. She can be so fucking self centered sometimes and she hates it. She just wishes that she was normal.

She expects mamá to shout at her and tell her how selfish she’s being, but Alma barely raises her voice.

“I think you forget that I, and everyone else, scolded Julieta and gave her a hard time when Maria announced her pregnancy. She messed up and we all told her so. You were willing to defend Maria then, so why not now? It’s the same thing. Julieta was wrong and so we all told her off. Did it upset her? Yes. Did she feel like I’m sure you do right now? Yes. Do I regret telling her off? No. Do I regret telling you off? No. And do you know why I don’t? Because it’s important that you hear this. I don’t want Maria or you to be in this situation. I’m telling you this because I want it to get better. For her and for you. I’m under no illusions about any of my children. If you act like idiots, I’m going to tell you so. You’re not special. I’ve acted like an idiot for years too and no one was brave enough to tell me and I made you all miserable because I never got called out on my behavior and never got to learn from it until it was way too late! Do you think I want that to happen to you and your kids? And just because I’m furious with you, it doesn’t mean that I think you’re a bad mother. I never said that. Just look at me and how I raised you, that’s far from perfect. I said that the way you acted today was wrong and it shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry, but the way you behaved isn’t how a mother should behave. I’ve learned that the hard way too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to check on Maria.”

“Will… “ Pepa’s voice trembles. “Will you tell her I’m sorry?”

Of all the things she’s said this evening, “sorry” should have been the first thing she said, not the last thing. 

Alma nods, and disappears up the stairs, leaving Pepa and Agustín alone. 

She feels everything, yet nothing at the same time. She wants him close, she wants him to comfort her, but she doesn’t feel deserving of it. She wants to claw her own skin off, to fall off the face of the earth, unable to fuck up people’s lives anymore. 

Still, despite everything, Agustín is here. He’s not angry with her. He looks sad, but not angry. He’s here with her, just like he always is. 

He doesn’t hug her, but only because he can tell that Pepa doesn’t want to be embraced right now. A hug would be way too suffocating at the moment, especially when she feels suffocated by her own body. Instead, he reaches out and rubs her arm. Up and down in that soothing motion he knows she likes. 

He’s so kind to her. He’s so loving and affectionate and it makes her burst out crying again. She doesn’t deserve this kindness.

“I’m sorry.” She sobs. 

He looks confused, pulling his hand away and letting it fall to his side. 

“What for? You haven’t done anything to be sorry for. Not to me.” 

She shakes her head. She has. She really feels like she has. The guilt is eating her up.

“I keep fucking things up. This isn’t the first time I’ve done it. I just never realise it until it’s too late. It’s literally like I don’t learn anything. I feel so stupid because of it. Maria is never going to forgive me for what happened. We acted like a bunch of idiots. Each time I fuck up, it seems to be even worse than the time before. And now you’re going to suffer because she hates us both.” She sniffs. “I don’t want you to get hurt by this.”

“It isn’t all on you, Pepa. I was angry too. I came to the same conclusion as you, even before you stepped in. We both thought she’d been drinking. It’s just as much my fault as it is yours. Alma is right about us just expecting the worst.”

“I just feel so confused and mixed up. I know we should trust her more. Whenever I told her what a good mom she was, I really did mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. Now I’ve undone that within a matter of minutes because I act before thinking things through. Whatever confidence she had is probably gone and it’s my fault. It shouldn’t take mamá having to tell me off for me to realise what’s really going on. We’re in our mid forties, we should know this already. How am I meant to have any kind of relationship with her when I act like I did back there? I love her. I love her so much. I’ll always love her, but there’s no way she feels loved now. Not after everything I said. I’m starting to understand why she feels this way. I didn’t even realise how I sounded until it was repeated back to me. I didn’t even realize what I was feeling. I love her, but I don’t understand her, and it hurts so much.”

To her, it’s like there are two Marias; the one she knew for over a decade, the violent one who didn’t care about anyone, and the Maria she got to know when she fell pregnant with Josefa. Her relationship with the second Maria isn’t perfect, but she’s grown to love it. She doesn’t know which one is the real one anymore. It’s like her brain is constantly struggling to figure it out. It’s exhausting. She’s exhausted. 

She feels like she’s constantly in fight or flight, pushing Maria away in order to protect herself somehow. She’s so afraid of Maria’s old ways resurfacing that even the smallest sign of it (or as she just found out, perceived signs that aren’t signs at all) makes her put her guard up and act completely irrational. Her actions are some really fucked up way of self preservation. Her behaviour is completely driven by fear, and it’s not healthy in the slightest.

“It isn’t only you who doesn’t understand her. I don’t either.” Agustín admits. “It’s hard to completely trust when you’ve been hurt so many times. She’s our daughter, yes, but she has hurt us.”

“That doesn’t give us the right to hurt her back though, does it? Mamá was right.” Pepa sighs. “We’re still punishing her for things that happened years ago. All we’re doing is seeing the worst in her. We’re setting her up to fail because we think we’re protecting Josefa. But who protects Maria? It should be us. We’re her parents. I could have killed Josefa today because I was too wrapped up in myself and being right to realise I was seconds away from the lightning strike. We absolutely weren’t protecting her if Maria freaked out like that. And it’s all very well realising that now, but the damage is done.”

Why couldn’t this kind of thinking have happened earlier? Preferably before she lashed out and ruined everything again. Her brain doesn’t work that way. It never has.

Actions first, questions later. That’s how she operates, and who wins in the end? No one. She wished that she and Agustín had actually talked to Maria, and confronted the people around her instead of actually just assuming that she was part of it. She kept repeating that she didn’t plan it. What kind of parents are they to not even question her old friends to see if they were antagonizing her and Josefa?

Agustín doesn’t seem to know what to say to that. He knows as well as Pepa that they’ve fucked up. She keeps thinking about how she could have been the reason that Maria might have needed to bury her child before she was even a toddler. And as she remembers the pain of losing Cristóbal, it makes her hate herself even more as she thinks of Maria having to go through that because of her.

There’s nothing else for them to say to one another, so they just co-exist together in silence. Several minutes pass, and Agustín eventually wraps his arms around Pepa, and she doesn't pull away, finding comfort in his embrace at last. 

She doesn’t know who needed the hug more; her or Agustín. Either way, she’s grateful for it, even if she still feels completely and utterly wretched. 

Eventually, mamá returns.

“Is she okay?” Pepa asks; she dreads the answer.

“Not really.” Alma says, honestly. “Josefa is still going to stay with me tonight, although it took a lot of convincing. She isn’t happy about it, but she’s still too tired to argue too much. She gave in when I promised that I wouldn’t let you near Josefa, and because I said I would have reacted even worse if a baby was taken from me like that. She’ll allow me because right now she can trust me to understand and because my head is not clouded with things. I told her she can have Josefa back tomorrow night or the night after, but she needs to rest. I’m not taking Josefa from her, it’s not a punishment. I’m giving her the opportunity to get the rest she desperately needs, and when she feels ready, Josefa will be handed back without question. I’m just a babysitter, she’s the mother. She agreed to it because she also knows that she needs rest in order to care for Josefa properly. I gave her your apology, but you won’t be surprised to hear that she hasn’t accepted it. She’s absolutely furious with both of you, and her lack of swearing when she called you out is honestly concerning me even more. If you’d listened to her before, this whole thing could have been solved in three minutes or less. And she wasn’t drinking, by the way. There was no hint of alcohol on her breath. She’s stone cold sober. Something she tried to prove to you several times. It takes no genius to see that her trust would be wounded from this. All you had to do was let her prove it.”

Pepa feels her heart sink into the pit of her stomach.

Maria had been telling the truth. 

She feels like shit. But Alma isn’t done speaking

“Instead you caused a scene, which, by the way, I needed to give her an arepa to heal her injuries. Both her wrists were in fact broken from how you held her down, and she was cowered in wounds. I want you to think about that, and how she had literally been sobbing when you pinned her down. She looked absolutely terrified the entire time as she tried to get out, and you pinned her down so hard you broke some of her bones while she was sobbing because she was trapped. I want you to very much think of the implications of that reaction because it seems that you’ve somehow forgotten that Maria has been sexually assaulted god knows how many times, and why she might have sobbed and passed out from being restrained like that. I know that reaction, I’ve seen it first hand all around me the day you were born. It might take years before she trusts you again if things are like I fear.”

In that moment, she feels herself freeze to ice.

No.

No no no.

No no no no no no.

Her face grows pale as the fear immediately consumes her as the words. Complete and pure horror unlike anything she’s felt before overtakes her as she wants to scream and vomit. The implications are already eating her alive as the fear is everywhere. The absolute horror of the implications and what they mean.

Suddenly, all she can think of is the sobbing, and the raw terrified fear on Maria’s face as she tries to wrestle herself away from Agustín by any means necessary, only to be pinned down until she passes out.

At first she’s too stunned to speak. Her voice fails her when she tries.

Agustín doesn’t look present anymore. He’s staring into thin space, shaking as his eyes don't focus on anything.

Suddenly, the nightmare is even worse than before. She wants to wake up from this, for it all to be okay, but she knows she can’t. Not like this.

“Now what?” Pepa says in a small voice, almost choking on her own spit. She can’t say anything about what Alma has just said. She feels like she’ll faint if she does. She can’t. Not when it feels like her heart is already trying to implode.

“Now you go to bed.” Alma says, plainly, the conversation is over when it feels like it shouldn’t be. Not after that last sentence. But it is, it somehow is, and despair is all there is as nothing feels normal again. “Get some sleep and I will talk to you more about this tomorrow. Goodnight.”

As Pepa watches her mother walk away towards the stairs, she knows that she won’t sleep at all. 

The guilt won’t let her.