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They were still children when it started, this thing between them.
It was after the Sludge Villain attack, the moment when Izuku thought he was about to lose Kacchan and realised that wasn’t a reality he wanted to see. Even if the other boy hated him forever, his heart would never allow him to stay put.
The words didn’t come. In fact, they stopped altogether.
No more hurtful comments or jabs, no more shoves, no more bullying.
No more Kacchan.
He no longer interacted with Izuku at all. Not at school, and not during the walk home, which they shared. Maybe this was his way of apologising for how he had treated him. Izuku knew Kacchan was too proud to ever say “I’m sorry”, but you could always see the intention behind his actions if you knew what to look for. Izuku had spent his whole life analysing Kacchan, cataloguing his every move and expression, so he knew this distance was probably that. An apology.
And it was making Izuku miserable.
If Kacchan had bothered to watch Izuku with a tenth of the care Izuku spent watching him, he would have known that distance was the last thing he ever wanted from the other boy. He liked that the bullying stopped, sure, since all the other kids had followed Katsuki’s lead and left the green-haired boy alone, but what Izuku had always wanted, above anything else, even above becoming a hero, was to have Kacchan as a friend again.
Funny how life works. He was now closer to his dream of being a hero than he ever was, but Kacchan had become the impossible pipedream. He, who had always been right there in front of him, blinding in his glory.
Izuku couldn’t help but miss him. This felt like a final nail on the coffin of their friendship, which had been built for some time now, despite his vehement denials. There was nothing keeping them together anymore. Never again would there be a “Deku and Kacchan.” They were just strangers walking along the same path.
At least, that’s what they were supposed to be. Izuku could never feel so indifferent about Kacchan. He could never be normal about him.
It’s why he notices it when no one else does, not even Katsuki’s so-called “friends.”
Katsuki had always been an explosion: bright, loud, and destructive, but oh, so beautiful, as breathtaking as a thousand fireworks. But his light had dimmed these past few months. He still snapped and swore, but none of it felt genuine. He was going through the motions, putting on a mask and playing as himself, and no one else could see it.
Something was wrong. Izuku was certain of it. Some might think it is a hasty assessment to make: How could he possibly know what his normal was like when they don’t even spend that much time together, and the time they do is hardly ever meaningful?
Perhaps he had always been like this, and Izuku was only now seeing this side of the boy because their dynamic was no longer hostile. Still, if there’s one thing Izuku knows for sure he is never wrong about, that thing would be Kacchan.
Izuku didn’t comment on it with anyone. He knew they would call him crazy, and, most importantly, Kacchan would hate him for it, but something was hurting Kacchan, and he had to fix it.
After a week of no change, Izuku decided to approach the boy himself. He would never have tried it before, but what was the worst that could happen? Izuku knew he wouldn’t transfer schools in the middle of his last school year in Aldera lest it raise suspicion on future employers, and his parents would have never agreed to it anyway. The worst he could do was going back to bullying Izuku which… wouldn’t be that bad.
He waited until they were walking home to bring it up. The other boy was walking a few paces ahead of him, never looking back.
“Ahem”, he cleared his throat. No reaction.
He tried again. Still nothing.
“Kacchan,” he called, to no avail.
He knew he had to have heard him, so he decided to continue. “Are you okay? I-I know something is wrong with you. You’ve seemed a bit down these past couple of months, and it’s not like you. Did something happen after the Sludge Villain attack? Is there something I can do to h—”
Izuku was slammed against a wall, almost tumbling to the floor, but the arm pressed against his throat kept him up as it also cut off his air supply. Kacchan’s other hand was twisted on the fabric of his school uniform, and his face was red with fury.
“You always do this, huh, Deku?! ” He spat in his face, his voice loud and ringing in the empty street. “I was leaving you alone but you can never let it go, huh? You think you’re so much better than me? Who do you think you are? You are nobody! Just a quirkless , pathetic little boy who doesn’t know when to shut up! What makes you think you know anything about me, huh? Who do you think you are?! ”
Izuku’s vision grew hazy as tears streamed down his face. He didn’t think Kacchan knew how hard he was pressing his arm against his neck.
Maybe he did, and just didn’t care.
Trying to breathe, he answered. “Nobody! I’m nobody! I’m sorry Kacchan, I just want to h—”
A hot mouth crashed against his. For the first couple of seconds, he couldn’t understand what was happening. His brain couldn’t make sense of it. But as a tongue forced his way into his mouth, it hit him.
Oh, he thought. Kacchan is kissing me .
His mind was running a mile a minute. Was this some kind of trick? Was he waiting for Izuku to kiss him back so he could call him a fag and make fun of him for ever thinking Katsuki would do this for real?
Did he care?
Izuku was running out of breath, but he relaxed against Katsuki, taking him in willingly. Their kiss was not gentle or kind. He would never even dare say it was good . It was clear neither of them had any experience with this sort of thing, but it hardly mattered. This wasn’t a romantic kiss. It was a battle. It was rough, had too much teeth, and it hurt when Kacchan bit his lip hard enough to draw blood. He wasn’t being kissed. He was being devoured . So, he decided to devour back, to take as much as he was giving.
Izuku doesn’t know how long this battle of mouths lasted, but he was on the verge of passing out when they finally broke apart, panting into each other’s still open mouths.
Their eyes met. There was an indescribable mix of emotions running behind those vermillion eyes, too fast for him to read.
“I hate you”, Katsuki said.
“I know”, Izuku answered.
Katsuki dove back in, like he couldn’t help himself. Everytime they emerged for air, he would spit out cruel words, proclaim his hate for the green-haired boy. Izuku took it all in stride, keeping those words close to his heart as if they were declarations of love.
When they finally separated, the sun had already gone down.
All Might scolded him for slacking off and made him train extra hard the next few days to make up for it, yet all thoughts of his training left his mind when Kacchan cornered him near an abandoned stairwell in school and kissed him again. And again.
I’d rather die stuffed than keep a desire to myself
Soon, it became routine, these secret make-out sessions of theirs. Kacchan was always the one to initiate them, and Izuku eagerly awaited the next ones. There was never more than two weeks between them. He knew they were coming the more troubled Katsuki looked, as if he was fighting himself and trying to resist the temptation.
If I eat, but I don’t eat you, I feel hungry
But he always gave in. For the first time in their life, when Kacchan told him he hated him, Izuku knew that he meant it.
He was fine with that.
Izuku knew that he would never get Kacchan the way he dreamed of. But hate was close enough.
If I can’t change you, my love, I can work with this
Getting into high school didn’t change things between them. At least, not much.
When Kacchan found out Izuku had a quirk, he was livid. Izuku tried to calm him down, to explain, but the boy didn’t give him a chance to. The heat in his eyes was always a mix of fury and want when he looked at Izuku. This time Izuku caught a glimpse of something else in there. Hurt.
When Katsuki kissed him, right there at the entrance to UA where anyone could see, Izuku thought he was trying to kill him. To make him bleed and hurt. A hysterical part of himself thought he might die.
He still didn’t stop him.
That was the first time they ever did anything at UA. They both knew this thing between them was to be kept a secret, which was harder to do now that each of them had a group of nosy but well-meaning friends. Izuku knew that Katsuki especially would not like this little secret of theirs to come to life, so, for a while, he couldn’t understand the fury Kacchan must have felt to act on impulse like that and jeopardise everything.
Izuku understood it now.
He was already high on adrenaline and running himself ragged because of the villain attack on their training camp. Unfortunately, being threatened by villains had become commonplace by then. But when he heard that Kacchan was the villains' target…
Izuku doesn’t know what overcame him. Even now, looking back, his memories of that night are hazy and foggy. All he remembers is the cold fury that overtook him when he learned that someone was trying to take his Kacchan away.
He didn’t think straight. He doesn’t think he could’ve. He just pushed himself way past his limit, an increasingly frantic chant of Kacchan Kacchan Kacchan getting louder and louder in his mind.
Izuku still blames himself for what happened. If only he had been stronger, faster, better , he could have reached Kacchan and saved him. Maybe if he had been clearer about who Kacchan is the teachers would have been able to get him to safety quicker.
Everyone that I know, whether they live far or close, knows your name.
He will never know. But he did know guilt, and it was eating him alive. The feeling of wrongness was corroding him from the inside, as if his stomach had been perforated and was now leaking acid into the soft tissues of his belly, which were slowly and painfully turning to mush.
He needed Kacchan. He needed to save him. He didn’t care about the consequences, saving Kacchan was never a choice or a conscious decision. There is no universe in which Midoriya Izuku wouldn’t crawl till the end of Hell for Bakugou Katsuki.
Izuku was glad that Kirishima had suggested going after Kacchan. He didn’t think he could bring it up and not let everyone know how deeply Kacchan was etched in him. He was barely holding himself together, just a pile of sharp porcelain shards held together by cheap duct tape.
One of these pieces was the burning jealousy he felt towards the red-haired boy. Who did he think he is? When did they get so close? Why does he care so much? What does he have that I don’t?
He wanted to Smash Kirishima into a pulp to stop him from ever even thinking about Kacchan again. He wanted to thank him for caring for Kacchan too.
He knew Kacchan deserved all the friends in the world. He was amazing, and Izuku was glad more people were finally seeing that and liking Kacchan for who he was, not just for his quirk. He deserved real friends, and he was so glad Kacchan finally found that. That’s all he ever wished for the other boy.
He just didn’t expect his wish to taste so bitter on his tongue.
Why wasn’t he enough? Why did Kacchan accept Kirishima’s friendship so easily when Izuku had to fight tooth and nail for every scrap of the other boy’s attention, even now that he had a quirk?
What does Kirishima have that I don’t? Why aren’t I enough ?
He knew he was not being fair. People can have more than one friend, and there’s more than one kind of way people can love. One relationship doesn’t take anything from another.
But he still wished he could keep Kacchan all to himself. He’d earned it.
He’d earned the companionship and camaraderie that Kirishima seemed to share with Kacchan. Why did Izuku get all the harsh parts of Kacchan’s love?
He told Kirishima to extend his hand to Katsuki because Izuku knew Kacchan wouldn’t accept his own.
The shards pierce his skin.
They do it. They save him.
It wasn’t enough.
That night, he couldn't sleep. So, he did something he’d never done before.
He snuck out of his apartment, crossed the streets to the Bakugou residence, and then climbed in through Kacchan’s window. He always leaves it open at night.
For a while, he just stared at Kacchan’s sleeping form, admiring the way that his chest rises and falls with every breath.
I don’t want you forever, I just want you always
Kacchan stirred, as if alerted to the foreign presence in his room, and opened his eyes.
For a few seconds, they just stared at each other. And then, Izuku moved. Not away, but towards him.
When Izuku kissed him, it wasn't pretty or sweet. It was forceful, and it took the air out of their lungs. But Kacchan didn’t push him away.
Izuku was almost feral with the want, the need to be with Katsuki, to devour him, to make them one so they never have to be separated again.
He knew that was not possible, so he contented himself with the next best thing. He let his lips trail down from the other’s mouth, down his jaw, his neck, his chest, kissing and biting as he made his way down, leaving his mark, his claim, on the other’s body.
When he got to Kacchan’s most intimate part, Izuku didn’t hesitate and swallowed him whole.
The shards finally stop biting into his skin.
This is how they should always be. He craves Kacchan like an addiction, needs him to always be on him, around him, in him .
Watching over your body, I think: it would look beautiful around me.
He swallowed him that first time, and every time after that. He hoped that, if he swallowed enough, he could replace every cell in his body with Kacchan.
They didn’t fuck until a few weeks after that, though. Not until Kacchan dragged him to Ground Beta and cried about how he ended All Might.
How could he let his love ever think that? He needed to know how he was cherished and treasured.
It still was not gentle. Izuku doubts they could ever be. But it was surprisingly sweet. Maybe it was the nerves betraying them both.
When Kacchan started treating him like an equal after that weekend, when he helped him train and get stronger, Izuku doubts he could hide the stars in his eyes whenever he looked at the other boy. His addiction got worse now that he knew the taste of those small comments and backhanded compliments.
He knows it is not love, but it is close enough for him.
I don’t want money, nor a sincere love
Just you saying: You are stronger
Izuku thought he knew what pain was, but this was unlike anything he ever felt before. He had broken his arms and legs and pulverised his bones, but none of it compared to the feeling that burst in his chest when he got to the Coffin in the Sky and learned what All For One had done to Kacchan. What he had done because Shigaraki knew it would hurt him .
They are fine now. The battle is over, the day is saved, the war is won.
But every time he closes his eyes, that’s the only thing he sees.
He can’t sleep knowing that only nightmares await him.
Seeking him out was not a conscious decision. It never really is. His feet carried him silently up the stairs and to the explosive boy’s bedroom. He stops at the door and tries to listen.
Silence.
His logical mind knows it’s probably because the door is too thick to let any sound through, especially the gentle sounds of breathing and sleep. He still can’t help but worry if Kacchan isn’t on the other side lying in a pool of blood because he was too slow to get to him. Again.
He looks down. No blood is seeping beneath the door, but he can feel the phantom stickiness in his socks.
He knocks to stop his hands from twitching.
At first, nothing happened. He’s raising his fist to knock again when the door opens.
Kacchan stands there in a rumpled sleepshirt and loose shorts, squinting his eyes against the light that suddenly flooded his bedroom. Though his hair looks soft and tousled, Izuku can’t help but notice the eyebags under his eyes. Had he been having trouble sleeping too?
“Izuku?” Katsuki asks, his sleep-rough voice making Izuku’s heart stop in his chest for a moment. But then again, that happened every time he heard the other boy call him by his name.
Izuku opens his mouth to answer, but words don’t come. How could he possibly explain what has been whirling inside his head for weeks? All the worry, the doubt, the need? How could he do that without letting out the confession that has been sitting on his tongue ever since the other boy’s apology?
So, he does what they have been doing for almost two years. He reaches for Kacchan’s face, scarred hands against scarred cheeks, and lets his body talk for him. The kiss is sweet, but desperate.
It begs, please don’t leave me .
It screams, I need you by my side .
It asks, do you feel the same?
The door closes behind them, shrouding the room in darkness once again, only the faint light of the moon offering any guidance. But they don’t need light or to open their eyes to guide them to bed, for their bodies have already memorised the path they need to take to each other.
They tumble onto the mattress and Izuku straddles him comfortably. Kacchan’s hands, which had found home on his waist, travel beneath his shirt, re-exploring his body for the millionth time. For the first time, his hands aren’t rushed or eager. They take their time, fingertips grazing every nook and cranny carefully, gently, as if he is trying to imprint every minute detail to his mind.
Izuku does the same to him. His hands shake as they free the other boy from his shirt, revealing his pale and scarred chest. It is heaving with exertion and seems to shimmer in the moonlight. Izuku lowers his lips to Katsuki’s chest and plants a reverent kiss atop his heart.
The scar is rough under his lips.
He kisses him again, lower, and takes a pink nipple into his mouth. He lathers it with his tongue and rolls it gently until it is hardened with desire.
He repeats his ministrations on the other side while his hands travel down his body to palm him through his sleep shorts. Izuku revels in the sounds he makes, tiny moans betraying his nonchalant façade.
He remembers learning how the usually loud boy fell quiet in bed, too lost in the things his body was experiencing to verbalise any thought. Izuku also remembers how he learned to treasure all the moans and soft curses he did get. He loved working for them.
A hand at the back of his head interrupts him, bringing him back up for another kiss. This one is hungrier, filthier, but the way Kacchan holds his head with both hands, pulling gently at his curls and cradling his jaw, still makes him feel treasured. Does Kacchan feel treasured too? Does he know how much Izuku loves him? It’s obvious in his every action, is it not?
Has it not always been?
Izuku thought he would’ve been fine with this arrangement of theirs. If he could never have Katsuki’s heart, he was content in having his body, in knowing no one else knew his intimate sounds, or the taste of his kisses.
Or, at least, that he had been the first to know them.
Now that he has experienced what it is like to lose Kacchan… he’s selfish. He wants all of him, all to himself.
Everything would go so right if I didn’t have any plans when I’m awake
Oh, my god… the sad thing is that I love you
Can he keep doing this? Could he bear giving him up someday?
He doesn’t think he could.
Izuku breaks their kiss. A string of saliva still connects their mouths.
He looks into Kacchan’s eyes, green on red, and lets their gravity pull him in until their lips and noses are brushing again. They graze their mouths in this almost kiss, but he stops himself from going further. Izuku holds Katsuki’s gaze and does the hardest thing he’s ever done.
“I love you”, he says.
Emotions flash behind crimson eyes, too fast for Izuku to parse them, except— relief. And then overwhelmingly…
Love.
Katsuki cradles his face, thumb gently caressing the scar on his cheek, right where his freckles used to sit. Katsuki’s expression gets so impossibly soft and full of love that Izuku can feel his own eyes fill with tears. Is this real?
“I love you too, nerd.” Kacchan’s voice breaks under the weight of his emotions, and Izuku falls, sobbing into the crook of his lover’s neck.
This is what happiness must feel like.
They still have a lot to talk about. Their wounds are still fresh and healing. But for tonight, they keep each other in a warm embrace, and when they make love, it is soft, gentle, and full of love. They don’t need to fight it or try to hide it anymore.
Tonight, they are in love, and that is enough.