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Benjamin Jacob Grimm, the Ever-Lovin’ Blue-Eyed Thing, was in the clouds. Soaring miles in the air, he floated like a graceful bird. Nothing could top the experience.
And then he woke up to the sound of his window crashing inward.
“Howdy, Thing!” Deadpool shouted. “Wade Wilson here, cracking windows as I often do in New York City!”
“Who are you and how did you get into our room?” Alicia shouted from next to Ben.
“Oh, me? I’m just the ever-lovin’, fast-talkin’, verse-spittin’ merc with a mouth, here to say funny things and cause problems!” Deadpool continued.
“Wade, it’s 6 in the morning,” Ben said exhaustedly. “Whaddya want?”
“I heard you had a job for me,” Deadpool said. “And I don’t know about you, but I hate wasting time.”
“I just wanted someone who could deliver some invitations to weird places,” Ben said. “Ya didn’t need to break in!”
“Whoa, slow your roll there, boulder bro,” Deadpool said. “We can take this nice and slow. Why don’t we relax, sit back, and think about things before getting to business.”
“Next time, I’m callin’ Jen.”
Deadpool froze.
“Right, you can’t see because of the mask. I’m comedically holding my mouth open to indicate that I’m stunned by that comment. It’s so difficult getting these jokes across in a non-visual medium.” Deadpool turned back to face Ben. “So, anywhoosers, what’s the job? What’s the gig?”
Ben groaned and palmed his face. He stood up and picked up a pile of envelopes.
“Here,” Ben said. “I need someone to deliver some invitations to some weird places. I’m doin’ a Hannukah thing and I’ve got some friends.”
Deadpool bowed politely, taking the envelope with both hands. “That’s what they do in Nippon,” he said. “I know this because the person currently writing me knows very specific things about Japan.” He returned to standing. “You’ve got it, you beautiful clobberer. I’ll deliver your invitations. But - you’ve gotta invite me too.”
Ben frowned and snorted. “Fine.”
“Score!” Deadpool shouted. “I love Jewish holiday parties. It’s so much easier to rig a dreidel than a roulette wheel.”
—
The man known as Daredevil was hard at work, sweeping his way through some muggers with his billy clubs in hand. He smelled the oil and swerved out of the way before he could hear the gun go off. There was no heartbeat to save, so instead Daredevil focused on trying to identify the shooter.
The unique smell of burning flesh, Canadian bacon, and a mediocre brand of gin could only mean one thing.
“Deadpool,” Daredevil grunted.
“Hiya, Charlie Cocksucker!” Deadpool said. “No shame there, I love a good hot dog in the evening. Also, for the record, Ryan Reynolds’ gin is not mediocre. It is the liquor of the gods.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Daredevil said.
“So many things. But I’m being paid handsomely to give you this.”
Daredevil felt something move closer to him, and on instinct, he landed a blow on Deadpool’s wrist.
“Dude, that was a fancy envelope! Ben Grimm did calligraphy! Do you know how hard that is for a guy with giant monster hands?”
“Sorry,” Daredevil said awkwardly. “Um…”
“Yeah,” Deadpool said. He shifted, picking up the envelope and offering it to Daredevil again. Daredevil plucked it, opened it, and ran his finger along the text.
“Thing knows I’m Catholic, right?” he said.
“I did warn him,” Deadpool said. “I figure as long as you don’t make an inquisition out of it, you’ll be fine.”
—-
“Kaladin Stormbastard!” Deadpool shouted. “You’re needed- hang on, is this a spaceship?”
“Yeah?” a white-haired gentleman in a proper business suit said. “Can I help you?”
“I’m supposed to deliver an invitation to the specialest guy on planet Rumor in the Cosmopolitan universe?”
The man groaned.
“If you’re talking about Roshar in the Cosmere, that’s sealed off right now.”
“That’s a convenient way to get around the fact that the guy in charge of that universe is taking his sweet-ass time,” Deadpool said.
—
Etienne Lux was sipping his fifth coffee of the hour, reading his copy of Newsweek and thinking about the concept of predestination and whether or not it applied. Suddenly, he got a sickening migraine and clamped his eyes shut.
As Foxy Shazam’s “Oh Lord” blared in his head, Lux realized that something had gone horribly wrong.
“Jacky?” he called out. “Is this some new kind of psychic terrorism?”
“Jacky, that’s a new one,” Deadpool said. “If people are going to riff on Joker actors with me, I usually get the guy from Fight Club.” He sat down on the park bench next to Etienne. “Hi, Deadpool, very cool guy, I was warned that you’re a telepathic prick who can never leave well enough alone.”
“How are you generating this much interference?” Etienne said.
“John Cena did a fabulous impression of me. Trust me, this is better for you than actually knowing what goes on in here,” Deadpool said. “Here’s your invite to a Hannukah party in another dimension, hope to see you there.”
Valentina dropped down next to them in perfect superhero landing position.
"Hey there, Angel Girl," Deadpool said. "How about you and me get out of here and make our own Third Summer of Lovin'?"
Valentina punted Deadpool into space.
—
Laura Kinney climbed through her apartment window.
“Gabby, I’m-”
“Hey there, Tarantino’s Wolverine!” Deadpool said. “By the way, that was a compliment. I loved Once Upon A Time In Hollywood.”
“I already stabbed him,” Logan said. “He won’t leave.”
“I can’t leave!” Deadpool said. “Not until I deliver this invite to you!” He placed the invite in Laura’s hand.
“Out.” Laura said.
“Oh, and bring your boyfriend! I’ve got a dozen jokes about the Adam West show for him!” He leapt out the open window.
“Boyfriend?” Logan asked.
“Don’t.”
—
“Ferb, I know what we’re going to do today!” Phineas exclaimed, holding up a wrench. “We’re going to make an entire city out of rubber bands!” He looked around. “Hey, where’s Perry?”
Ferb pointed to Deadpool, who was flipping Perry repeatedly.
“I was just going to scratch him behind the ears, but his model doesn’t have any,” Deadpool said. “So now I just have more questions about how biology works here.”
“Hi!” Phineas said.
“I’m just here to drop off some invites, but can you and Silent Bob over here explain why I feel like I’m never looking at you from the front?”
—
Joel crept backwards towards his base, guiding some more of the devilish creatures commonly known as “horses” to their doom.
“Ah, there’s a man who knows what it is to be fine and normal!” Deadpool said.
“Blummin’ hell!” Joel screamed. The horses fled from their grisly fate.
“Relax, amigo. I’m just doing what that asshole Skizzleman said he could and hacking on to your server,” Deadpool said. “Did you know that the author has been trying to get a story together about how you and I are basically interchangeable for the last year and a half?”
“I have. No idea. What the fuck. You are talking about.”
“Eh, I need to go find MumboJumbo anyway. Tell ya what, when I’m done here, we set up a thing for our kids to hang out!” Deadpool sprinted down the road, leaving Joel horseless and very confused.
—
Deadpool stepped out of a stone pyramid on a distant world. Surrounded by busy pilots, he exhaled loudly.
“Finally! I’m back in the loving and sensual embrace of my corporate masters!” he shouted. “Praise be to Mickey Mouse!”
“What’s a ‘mouse?’” some unimportant kid with a shiny medal on his chest said.
“Go kiss your sister, space Jesus!” Deadpool said. “I’m here for the Rogue One nostalgia.”
“Rogue One? Those guys that died right before I showed up?”
“Fine, I don’t need to riff on Pete Hegseth again, he does that to himself often enough.”
—
“Hey, Mumbo!” Gem said.
Mumbo fell off the roof of his Grian-shaped house in surprise.
“How did you get in there without me noticing?” he shouted, exasperated.
“I’m just that good,” Gem said. “I came by to bother you because Etho was busy!”
“You came by because you knew I’d be here,” Cleo said, striding out of Mumbo’s front door.
“Where did you come from?” Mumbo asked.
“I needed some gunpowder,” Cleo said.
“Did someone say guns????”
“Oh shit,” Cleo said. “Who is that?”
“I’m Deadpool, shitgivers!” Deadpool said. “Don’t worry, I’m just here to deliver some invitations.”
“Not this again,” Mumbo said.
“Again?” Cleo said. “This shit has happened before?”
“Remember when I got kidnapped by that Romanian wizard last season?” Mumbo said.
“Actually, Doctor Doom is Romani, and it’s a bit racist to get those mixed up,” Deadpool said. “I wouldn’t normally get involved, but Kevin Feige made the same mistake and everyone’s a bit too fashy right now to call him out on it.”
He got no response from the room.
“You know, I’ve never been 100% sure how much you guys know about the real world anyways,” Deadpool said after an extended silence. He turned to Cleo. “Hey, you wanna do one last horrible thing?”
Cleo kicked Deadpool in the groin.
“Ooh, right in the Apokunas!” he whined.
—
Subcommander T’Pol saw an unusual reading on the Enterprise’s scanners.
“Captain,” she called. “I have detected an abnormality.”
Archer spun around.
“Any guesses on what it is?” he asked.
“Captain, I do not believe we should be making rash conclusions-”
“Rash conclusions?” Deadpool said, entering the bridge. “I didn’t know you wrote the Picard finale!”
One of the ensigns pulled out a phaser and fired.
“Ensign, get a hold of yourself!” Archer shouted.
“No, I’m fine,” Deadpool said, already recovered. “If anything, I’m surprised we’re about 1,600 words into this thing and it took this long for someone to shoot me. Hi, Daniels, BTDubs. Nice seeing you earlier in the place with the thing.”
“What is he talking about?” Archer asked Daniels, who still had his phaser aimed.
“Don’t ask,” Daniels said.
“I’m just here to drop off some invites to a party, no need to get shooty.” Deadpool produced an invitation and set it on the floor. “My dimension. 2025. Good times all around.” A blue, rippling portal appeared behind him, and he stepped through.
Travis picked up the invite and examined it.
“I think that guy scribbled on this in crayon.”
—
Susan Storm-Richards found Ben in the living room, delicately laying out trays of hors-d’ouevres.
“Ben!” Sue said excitedly. “Did you make these yourself?”
“Nah,” Ben said. “A coupla caterers owed me some favors.”
“Oh,” Sue said. “Johnny wanted me to check - do you want us out of the way for your party? We can go visit the Avengers or something.”
“No,” Ben said. “You should stay. That’s part of the point of this.
“People get a lot of things wrong about Hannukah. They think it’s about the candles or the games or the presents. But, really, it’s about surviving. You, me, all of us. It’s been a rough year. But we’re still here, ain’t we?”
“And that’s what we’re celebrating?” Sue asked.
“Yup, and we’re doin’ it together.”
The elevator chimed, and Deadpool ran in with a banner:
HAPPY HANNUKAH ONE AND ALL